Semi Charmed Life

Empty

2011-10-17T15:27:00.001-04:00

Our house is too quiet, too still. Our family is too small. With just the three of us, it's too lonely.

Even though I know how much he loved her, it amazes me and touches me and hurts me to see Brad grieve so hard for Raina. It hasn't even been 3 days but it feels like 3 seconds and 3 lifetimes all at once.

Where is the clicking of the paws on the hardwood? Where is my shadow who follows me out to the garage when I do the laundry? Where is the little black blur who rushes to the kitchen every time I drop a crumb of food?

We miss her is such an understatement. There is an empty hole in our hearts, our home, our lives where she once was. She's been with me/us since before Brad and I were married. She's moved with us 3 times, she's seen us fight, she's seen our happy times, all of our milestones. She was waiting to greet Katie the day she came home from the hospital. She was part of our engagement pictures. In every family photo, in every Christmas card. She was a huge part of our every day.

I know a lot of people would think we are ridiculous for mourning the loss of a dog so bitterly. To be so heartbroken at the loss of an animal. But can you really call a creature "just" an animal when she's THAT much a part of your family, your life, your history?

We love you so much Raina. We hope you know what a wonderful, sweet dog you were and how much better you made our lives.

The day the clatter died

2011-10-15T01:36:00.000-04:00

Just a few short hours ago we lost a big piece of our family. In fact, she was a huge piece of our family and yet she was the smallest member.

Tonight, Raina got out of our yard while she was outside going potty. It was dark and we didn't realize she was gone for a few minutes. Once we realized, I handed Katie over to some friends that were visiting and Brad and I grabbed flashlights and treats and went out looking for her.

She loved to bolt. No matter how careful we were or how close an eye we'd keep on her, she'd manage a way. We'd been through this routine before SEVERAL times. Yet, she seemed to always find a way out of the house/yard/garage/etc. I was no less terrified when it happened but she was always found, she always came back.

But not this time.

We have a field on the other side of our back fence that is behind a church that sits on a very busy road. After we had been looking for Raina for a few minutes I saw Brad running toward me across the church parking lot. I was screaming, "Did you find her? Raina? Where is she?"

He wouldn't answer me. I kept screaming, assuming that he couldn't' hear me. I just wanted answers. Why was he running? He didn't say anything he just kept running toward me. When he finally got to me he said she was gone, she'd been hit by a car and was gone. I dropped the lantern and treats and went running toward her, not believing. From that point, it's a blur that I'd rather not recount.
I got Raina in December of 2003. She was my first dog that was all my own. I had pets at home growing up but after I went away to school I always felt like, no matter where I lived, it wasn't a home because I didn't have a dog. Once she came into our lives, she was part of our family and "home" was where Brad and Raina and I were.

I can't explain to you what it felt like saying goodbye. It doesn't seem real. We had just gotten back from dinner. It was late, 9 or 10 o'clock when it happened. We brought her body back home and got her settled so that we could take her to the vet in the morning. By the time we said goodbye to our friends, put Katie to bed, cleaned ourselves up and composed ourselves, it was midnight. I lay in the bed, not able to sleep.

I missed the snoring from Raina's crate. I missed her scratching her bed into a comfortable position. The room was too quiet. I tried to think of something else but nothing came. Just thoughts of Raina. All of them revolved around her. I thought of food and I wondered who would beg for scraps. I thought of Halloween and remembered her costume that she would never were. I thought of work and realized that since Katie is in daycare when I work the weekdays, I would have to come home to an empty house after work. So I'm blogging. I have so many thoughts and memories and what-ifs swirling around my head but I just needed to get some of them out. I looked on the computer and these are some of the last pics we took of Raina. Lazing about the house in her favorite spot, keeping guard and napping (above). And one of Raina's recent (and patient) attempts to befriend Katie.

I think this will do for tonight. I'm paralyzed. Numb. And yet, at the same time, in too much pain for words. I hope it's a bad dream. What will we do tomorrow without Raina? Who will bug us during our meals for scraps of food? Who will wake us up with impatient scratching on her crate in the morning? Who will greet us with crazed excitement at the door when we come home? Mostly the house is just too quiet. Who's little claws will clatter and making click-clack noises on the wood floors while Katie is sleeping and the rest of the house is quiet? Where will the lazy clattering of her claws be as she meanders through the house decided which bed she will lounge in? I'll miss the clattering. The silence is a deafening reminder of what our home and our family has lost.

Friday Five: Confessions

2011-07-15T18:46:00.004-04:00

This week I'm following a blogger fave of mine and linking up to her Friday Five. This week is "Confessions" and my first should be that I got most of my inspiration for my confessions from Kat. Oh well, here are my real confessions:

1. I feel like a slacker for still not having a handle on the post-pregnancy diabetes game. When I was pregnant I was sure that by now, I'd have a new routine established and my sugars would have stabilized. To be fair, post-pregnancy hormones, starting my to have my period again and continuing to breastfeed are all big factors in why my sugars are still so unpredictable. But it's still frustrating to never know what to expect from my blood sugars, especially since they are definitely not behaving the way they did pre-pregnancy. My A1C is still good (5.8!) but I think that's mostly due to all the lows I've been having. Oh well, just gotta keep on keepin' on.

2. The pregnancy pounds (which I actually didn't gain a lot of) are being stubborn. In April, I decided I was finally sick of all the extra weight I was carrying around and changed two big things. I started counting calories and working out twice a week. I've lost about 10 pounds and then STALLED. The last couple of weeks I only worked out 2 times total and we've been eating out so much my calorie counts are slipping. But this week I'm doing my best to get back on the wagon!

3. I know what Pinterest is but I'm doing my best to avoid it. I'm trying not to investigate too thoroughly because I've heard it's addictive. Proceed at your own risk.

4. I am totally chicken about breastfeeding in public. I think the more women breastfeed in public, talk about breastfeeding and advocate in general, the better it will be for everyone else. The more people are exposed (hopefully) the less weird/easier it will be to actually go out in public and breastfeed without feeling like all eyes are on you or like you might be getting judged. Because, seriously, why can't people just get over themselves? When did everyone in America turn into a teenage boy about breasts and breastfeeding? To the extent that they can't be used in public (or for some people at all) for their biologically intended purposes without inducing flushed cheeks, muffled giggles, uncomfortable looks or disgusted expressions. Grow up people. So the more women who are brave and do it in public the better, as far as I'm concerned.

The problem with my soapbox is that I can stand on it but when the bandwagon comes along I'm too chicken to hop on board. I have a nursing cover that I love. It provides tons of cover and privacy while still allowing me to keep an eye on Katie. And I use it when people come over to my house. But when it comes to breastfeeding in public, I'm nervous about getting judged. I'm embarrassed that people might be staring at me or giving me disgusted looks. Yes, it's their problem. It's the best thing for my daughter so why can't I be one of those brave souls who is an advocate by not hiding in public? Like I said, I'm a chicken. And it makes things super inconvenient. I have no desire to use a bottle when otherwise it's perfectly convenient to feed her myself. Who wants to pump more than necessary? Not me! Occasionally I'll feed her in a restaurant if we are in a quiet obscure booth. Otherwise, I end up nursing her in my car in between errands. And it's July in Florida, so that's not much fun. I really need to get over myself. Grrr.

5. Not all my home-cooked meals are low-calorie. The best thing about the calorie counting and not eating out had been some of the AWESOME new recipes I've tried. I've been better about grocery shopping and meal planning so not only do we have have great home-cooked dinners during the week but we also don't feel deprived by not going out to eat. The problem with that is that just because these meals are home-cooked doesn't mean they are "healthy." They aren't unhealthy, just not particularly low calorie. I justify this two ways: First, my husband is a very picky eater and I really ought to make something he will eat. And second, I watch my breakfast and lunch calories like a hawk and figure I'm allowed to splurge for dinner. But I am on the hunt for tasty, low-cal meals so if you can suggest any, please do! In the meantime, here are a few of the yummy meals I've been making:

Broiled Tilapia with Mustard-Chive Sauce

Homemade Pizza (I've also been mixing it up with Chicken Pesto Pizza, usually with store-bought dough)
Beef and Two Bean Chili (Brad had a chili craving)
PW's BBQ Chicken (seriously tasty!)
Tacos, Homemade Salsa (PW's recipe, of course) and Kat's Spanish Rice

I'm working tomorrow (YUCK!), but I hope everyone else has a great weekend!
~Layne

D-Blog Week: Saturday Snapshots

2011-05-14T16:07:00.008-04:00

Oh what a difference a year makes.
Last year for D-Blog Week I posted pics of my diabetes drawer:

. .which was housed in a chest of drawers
in a room that once looked like this . .

. . . and now looks like this . . .

Since then, the extra supplies got shoved here
(in that same room):

And my go-to stash has found a place in my nightstand drawer:

Oh what a difference a year makes.

Major Malfunction!

2011-05-13T15:33:00.003-04:00

Blogger went down yesterday afternoon for maintenance but was still available as read-only. As many of you know, this little maintenance issue did not go smoothly. Posts were taken down and comments were deleted. Major bummer! Bad Blogger! BAD!

So I've re-posted the posts from yesterday and today, in case anyone missed them. This post will have to be short and sweet because I'm at work and it's raining babies. TGIF!!

D-Blog Week: 10 Things I Hate About You

2011-05-13T13:28:00.001-04:00

1. That diabetes comes with so many (false) stereotypes.

Aren't diabetics fat? Doesn't diabetes mean you'll die? Can you have a baby without going into kidney failure? ::cough:: Steel Magnolias ::cough:: All diabetes is the same and it means you can't eat sugar, right? If you are on an insulin pump, that must mean you have really bad diabetes. You're an adult, so that means you can't have juvenile diabetes! Guess what! If you lose wait/eat a special diet/ take a pill full of lizard spit you'll be cured!

Huh? WTF?!?

Some days I'm so fed up with all the media hype and falsehoods and stereotypes that run rampant about diabetes. It seems like everyone is stuck in the 80s when it comes to diabetes management and complications. Can someone please explain to the media and the public at large about insulin pumps? And the differences between Type 1 and Type 2? And that I didn't do this to myself? I try to be patient and I really do want to educate people but some times I feel like I just can't it explain it one more time! And even worse are the days when I try to educate people and they just smile and nod and I can tell they are thinking I'm the one who doesn't know anything about my own condition! Arggh!

2. Meters that make you wait before you put the blood on the strip.

Because inevitably, I'm going to screw up and put the blood on before its ready and I'm going to get a big fat ERROR and I will have wasted my $1.20 strip. Grrr!! I loved my Freestyle that was ready for blood the second you put the strip in, it was so nice. Unfortunately, my Ping meter is a One Touch and it is constantly out to get me!

3. The fear that creeps up unexpectedly.

Most days I don't think about my mortality. But there are days (usually during one of my annual appointments) when I worry that the other shoe is going to drop and my first complication will crop up. And I get this image in my head that one tiny complication will blow up into my entire body falling apart. And with Katie here, the idea of diabetes getting the better of me or slowing me down in any way just scares me that much more.

4. It's ALL THE TIME.

Ok, most diseases are all the time as in, they never technically go away. But asthmatics don't wheeze every couple of hours. People with sickle cell don't hurt every day. Epileptics don't have a seizure every time they want to eat something. I'm not saying that ANY of these folks have it easy or that I would want to trade. But for me one of the worst parts of diabetes is that there is no remission. It's not like if you get your blood sugar under control you can sail for a few days or even a few hours. Diabetes is an every-hour-of-the-day kinda disease. Blood sugar seems to be one one thing in your body that is affected by every single, tiny, little thing you do. With every bite. With every physical activity. With almost every decision, you have to be aware of diabetes and plan for it. It's mentally exhausting! And some days I just want a frickin' break!

5. The math SUCKS.

The are some days I'm just sick of all the equations. There are the "easy" ones that I can almost do in my sleep: Insulin sensitivity + carb ratios -blood sugar correction=bolus. And for those I feel very lucky that God invented the bolus wizard on my pump. Amen! But then there is all the extraneous stuff that doesn't have a hard and fast value assigned to it like exercise + hormones + sickness + how old is the insulin in my cartridge? + could my site be going bad? + breastfeeding = who knows how much insulin and who knows what blood sugars! Good luck and have fun with that. GAH!

If you don't know what I'm talking, about here's a great video from George and Scott about the suckage that is diabetes math and a post from Kare n about how complicated and unpredictable that math can be! What? You didn't know that sometimes 1+1 doesn't equal 2? Well, with diabetes, sometimes it doesn't!

6. That it can take me out of my life when I least expect it to!

It doesn't matter if I'm at work or (more importantly) at home with my little one, I have no desire to be forced to put my life on hold because I'm groggy and low and need OJ. It's not fair. Sometimes I can squeeze out a few extra minutes of coherence but eventually the foggy mind and tingly lips will overtake me and, whether I like or not, I need a time out. And for a Type A like me who doesn't like to be told what to do (even by my body!) that's rough. :-(

7. The horribly misplaced guilt.

Every blood sugar seems to have the potential to serve up a big plate of guilt. I can't believe I guessed the wrong carbs? (But how could I have known that a side salad would have 80 carbs?!?) Maybe I shouldn't have had that dessert. (But it was my birthday!?!) Maybe I should have replaced that site instead of keeping it another day longer. (But it looked and felt great and it was a really inconvenient time to put another one in!?!)

How is it that a disease that is so unfair and unpredictable can still make us feel so guilty for every decision and/or indiscretion? Guess what?!? Most people don't have to Google every carb they eat just to double check it for accuracy. And most people don't have to feel guilty about a piece of cake on their birthday. And most people don't have to worry about slinking away to the bathroom so that they can hoist up their shirt, rip out one site and jab another one in themselves just in case it goes bad.

This is WAY out of the realm of what most people call normal. But "normal" for a diabetic is what most people would call over-the-line, hyper-awareness combined with incredible patience and willpower. But we don't see it that way because it's just what we have to do to be healthy and feel good. Yet I still berate myself every time I "am bad" like I am such a horrible person for not having the willpower to power through all the crap. Well, I call BULLSH!T.

8. It always crops up at the worst time.

How does a cartridge that last 3 days always need to be changed during an hour-long errand when you didn't bring extra supplies? Why do the low symptoms crop up the second before I'm about to breastfeed my frantically hungry baby girl? Why does my site go bad during the 5 hours I actually sleep at night and not during the day when it's SO much more convenient to fix? It's like Murphy's Law of Diabetes!

9. It totally messes with my fashion and gets in the way.

I'm so super sick of the little rectangular, pager-shaped protrusion that juts out of my right pocket every day of my life. (Yes, I always wear my pump on the right side no matter where my site happens to be. Yes, I've tried to change it up but it just doesn't feel right anywhere else. No, I don't know why.)

I hate that I can't seem to hide it in my cleavage on my favorite dresses and if I clip it to my underwear it pokes out and gives me freakishly pokey/angular/uneven hips. It's so obvious and it drives me insane. I hate that I have to think about where I'm going to put my little pink external pancreas with every fashion decision. And that sometimes wearing a skirt or a pretty sundress (and as a result trying to find a place to secure my pump) is sometimes a hassle that I'm not willing to deal with. Oh! And I hate that my tubing seems to jump out of my pocket and lasso every knob/door handle/baby's foot that is within reach. Gah! Cut it out!

10. That with all the bads of diabetes, it's not just me in this boat.

That's right. I really don't like that diabetes has to drag my loved ones down with it. It's bad enough that it can make me a crazy person some days but it sucks that it has a way of affecting everyone around me as well. Whether it's because I'm super grouchy because my blood sugar is high and taking it out on the nearest loved one. Or because super needy and loopy because my blood sugar is low and need the closest friend/relative/husband to drop what they are doing and help me procure some fast-acting carbs ASAP.

But mostly I hate seeing the look of worry flicker over my mom's face. I hate that when I'm upset about a day of unrelentingly high blood sugars and worrying aloud to my husband about what havoc they might have wreaked on my eyes/kidneys/heart, that he has to worry along with me. I hate that maybe he (and later, Katie) may worry about how they will take care of me if anything goes wrong. Or, God forbid, what they would do without me. That's not something that husbands, mother's and children should have to worry about with any regularity. The people around me shouldn't feel responsible for taking care of their adult wife/daughter/mother and it breaks my heart that for my loved ones it's a thought that is sometimes forced to cross their minds.

One Year Ago Today

2011-05-12T10:49:00.006-04:00

I am taking a break from D-Blog week today because I can't help but want to acknowledge something mind-boggling, life changing and completely amazing today. So I'm pushing back today's topic by one day so that I can comment on something more important.

A year ago today, I wrote this letter. I didn't post it that day but I did write it last year on May 12th. I can't believe it has been one year. So much has happened. Our lives have changed in wonderful ways. It has been a challenging, awe-inspiring, wonderful, exhausting journey and a year later we have amazing things to show for it. Well, mostly just this little amazing girl. (Though my several A1C's in the 5's ain't nuthin' to sneeze at neither but mostly I'm just happy about the little girl. The A1C's just remind me that I gave her a nice, safe oven to bake in! ;-)

May 12th is branded into my mind as the day that Brad and I knew our life would change. As the anniversary of that day has approached it's made me so happy to remember back to what we were feeling that morning and think of everything we've gone through since then. It's amazing how quickly it's flown by and yet how far we've come!

D-Blog Week: D-Bloopers

2011-05-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

Today's topic is about our diabetes blooper moments. And, alright, this one is another cop-out for me, kinda like yesterday's D-blog Post . . . but I seriously couldn't think of any other diabetes-related blooper! (Cut me some slack, will you? I have a tiny-needy-yet-completely-adorable human that I'm dealing with at the moment!)

The only d-related "Oop's" that were popping into my noggin' were the ones that are usually followed by four-letter words. And I'm thinking this topic is geared more toward the smack-yourself-in-the-forehead-Homer-Simpson-style blunders rather than the R-rated, furry-inducing kind.

And since I had already written a post about the only d-blooper I could think of I'm just going to reference it here. Ironically, this post was written during last year's D-Blog Week.

D-Blog Week: Letter Writing Day

2011-05-10T10:11:00.000-04:00

Today we are supposed to write a letter. The letter could be directed to your pancreas to tell it off for being so lazy for the last fill-in-the-blank years (that's 20, for me). Or to your endocrinologist as a thank you for the support. (Or to your endocrinologist as a tell-off for all the crap you've been given over the years.) Or a letter to the company that makes your meter or pump describing the diabetes gizmo of your dreams and how the company could tweak their machines/customer service/software/etc to make your diabetes life easier. . . .

Wait. Stop there. I just did that.

Recently I got fired up when I heard that Medtronic had hosted a forum for a group DOC bloggers to get their input on how they could improve their services and products and, in turn, to give a few of their consumers the inside scoop on how their company/product development/customer service operates and why things happen the way they do. The reason that I was fired up was because I so desperately wanted my pump company (Animas) to do something like this for it's customers. Even if I'm not a part of it, it would be great if they would invite a group of Ping users to a forum that would allow them to offer opinions on the pump and meter, ask why certain changes or upgrades can't be made and get to know how the company works and what can be expected for the future. Not only would they get great feedback that I'm sure would help all of their customers, but the bloggers who were invited could spread the word on what was shared at this meeting.

Since it seems pointless to rehash the entire letter again, please go here to see what I wrote to Animas.

D-Blog Week: Admiration and Inspiration

2011-05-09T13:41:00.004-04:00

For me one of the best things about the DOC is the encouragement and inspiration it offers. Even when you don't realize you're doing it, some of you bloggers offer so much to buffer my hope and my spirit. As a community I learn a lot from all the Type 2's, parents of PWD and adults with LADA. It's been so nice to hear other perspectives and hear other's stories.

I know that today we are supposed to pick a group of bloggers with a totally different perspective and tell why we admire them and how they inspire us. But as much as I've learned from bloggers with T2 or LADA or spouses/parents of PWD, it wouldn't come close to how much I've learned from or been inspired by other bloggers with Type 1 diabetes. These T1's have shown me how much we can really accomplish. When I've thought I was the only person struggling with something, they've shown me I wasn't alone. When I thought I'd found a diabetes-related hurdle that I couldn't overcome, they've proved me wrong.

And even though we share the same form of diabetes, the T1 bloggers who inspire me the most are the ones who've done things that I aspire to do. Not just done them but done them well. Truly excelled. It's so inspiring to be able to look a few steps ahead and see how other T1's have prepared for or dealt with life's challenges. Pregnancy, for example, is something that I was really looking forward to in life but was very scared to endure because of my diabetes. But it was amazing to follow other bloggers' journeys and see the ups and downs and witness them come out on the other side as healthy moms of healthy babies. Even though I knew it could be done, following these bloggers showed me it could be done. Proved that it could be done well, not with results that were okay for a diabetic but with results that were great even for a non-diabetic! It also showed me that there could be bumps along the way, a bad blood sugar here or there, and that there could still be a happy, healthy ending.

And now that I'm a mom, it's so wonderful to follow the journey's of other new-mom T1's. How are they handling their blood sugars and their babies at the same time? Are they packing their meters in with the diapers? Is breastfeeding making their blood sugars go crazy too? It's so nice to have such a wealth of inspiration and information from other T1's who are going through the same things I am, just to know that it can be done!

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T14:59:00.003-04:00

I would like to thank my Mom . . .

and my Grandmother for being the awesome, strong, wonderful women who raised me.

But I would also like to take a minute on my first Mother's Day to thank the amazing, beautiful baby girl who made me a Mama . . .
I love you Katie! Happy Mother's Day!

Second Annual Diabetes Blog Week

2011-05-07T19:42:00.001-04:00

For the second year in a row, Karen over at Bittersweet has organized Diabetes Blog Week. I loved being involved last year and I'm going to do my best to be involved this year . . . in between feeding, changing and wrangling my little one!

For those of you who don't know, Diabetes Blog Week is basically NaBloPoMo but shorter (thank-the-Lord!) and Karen has assigned each day a topic. In addition, (obviously) each topic is related in some way to diabetes. So while it's nice not to have to think of a topic to blog about it will still be a bit of a task finding the time. But because I really love being part of the DOC and had such fun doing it last year. . . here goes nuthin'. See you Monday!

Kate’s First Month: The Unexpected

2011-05-06T09:52:00.002-04:00

After this I have just one more post about our first month home with Kate. This post in particular was the hardest to write and I feel a lot of guilt writing it. I follow a lot of blogs and several of them are new moms or I'm reading posts from back when the bloggers I follow have had their babies. And I'm not hearing a drop of bad. But I know out there somewhere, there has to be someone who's having a rough time. Not postpartum depression bad. But not all unicorns and gumdrops all the time either. And that was me. So, even though I'm a little ashamed and embarrassed to be putting this out there when it seems like no one else is, I'm doing it because I have to believe that I'm not the only one who feels like this. And it makes it worse thinking that I am. So here it goes.

I love Kate, more than I can express in words. In fact, the first couple of weeks I was blissfully happy, though tired. I mostly stared at her. I couldn't believe she was mine! But as the weeks passed and she grew more active and the lack of sleep piled up, things started getting harder. I was trying to get over some serious bad mojo from my delivery and felt a lot of guilt and shame about the way it went. In addition, Kate had some rough nights and the occasional rough day that would leave me exhausted and praying for something to help her because obviously I wasn't enough.

Once we got home with Katie it was so strange to have her there. Bringing her home was an amazing, wonderful change. But it was definitely a change. Also, I think I was especially worn out leading up to her arrival for several reasons. First, I had been so sore and uncomfortable the week leading up to the delivery and had been unable to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time for weeks. Not to mention that the week before her birth had been Christmas and was packed with a lot of activity. Add to that an exhausting delivery and stressful hospital stay and I was so overwhelmed and discouraged. I was sure all I needed was to get home and everything would be ok.

Instead, I was surprised how I continued to feel overwhelmed by everything. For the longest time it had just been Brad and I and now there was this beautiful little creature living with us who needed us for everything. And (surprise, surprise!) being there for another little human 24 hours a day is kind of a lot of work! And it didn't leave a whole lot of room for anything else to get done. The first couple of weeks I was lost in baby bliss and totally fine with that. (What dishes? Laundry who? What clutter?) But as I slowly crawled out of my new mama haze and looked around at my wreck of a house I started to twitch.

You see, I'm a little bit of a neat freak. Even my messes and my piles have to be organized. When I go out to dinner, I'm one of those people who stacks the used dishes in a pile for the waiter and puts them near the edge of the table in a not so subtle, please-take-them-away-now gesture. Being Type A and a neat freak and not being able to get anything done or cross anything off my growing to-do list was so stressful for me.

People offered to do stuff for me but who wants people doing their laundry if it means digging through their unmentionables?? Plus I'm kind of particular about housework and I had a feeling I'd end up re-folding or re-doing whatever anyone else did. (I'm becoming more and more annoying as I drone on, aren't I?) And as much as I LONGED for people to bring over food so I didn't have to cook every night, I hated asking for it. And while there were a few people who asked if we needed anything, very few actually offered specific help. No one said "I'm coming over and doing your laundry" or "I'm coming over and bringing you dinner." They just asked if there was anything they could do. And the thought of saying "Why yes, would you be so kind as to spend your money and drive your butt all over town to grab us take out?" Or even better: "How about spending your money and slaving over a hot stove to make my family dinner while I'm sitting on my butt, not working, ogling my own baby?" I hated to outright ask for help! It seemed so selfish of me, not to mention embarrassing! So instead I told them how sweet it was for them to offer and politely declined.

Even though the housework was piling up, you might think the baby was the easy part. I know I thought it would be! I expected that since I've worked with infants for years that having one of my own would be a breeze. Shoot, I was used to having 3-5 babies at a time as a nurse and 8-12 patients as a nurse practitioner! Surely one baby was nothing! I definitely expected to have just as much free time during the day as I would between patients at work, if not more since I would only have ONE baby and wouldn't be taking her vitals or charting her assessment! But when people say it's different with your own child, I never realized how right they were. Somehow my entire day was eaten up by diaper changes and breastfeeding (not to mention feeding myself). It seemed like my entire day revolved around a continuous cycle of changing and feeding. And it seemed like I barely finished when it would be time to start all over again! And it just made it all the worse when people would come up to me and say "Wow this must be so easy for you since you work with babies all the time!" Um, no, and now I feel like even more of a loser. Ugh.

Not to mention the constant worry and wonder. Is there something wrong? Is there a way to do this better? There has GOT to be an explanation for this that I'm not thinking of? Why is this so stinking difficult? And in an effort to answer these questions, I found myself Googling things I already knew the answer to. Wondering if I could find some golden nugget of information that would make our lives easier. And I had to laugh out loud every time I would stumble upon an article that would answer a question using the same words I would use to answer the same question asked to me by parents of my patients.

It knocked me back and made me realize that I needed to relax and trust in what I knew. And what I knew was how to care for newborns. I'd been doing it for several years and rethinking everything just because this particular newborn was mine was just stupid. I found myself falling into the trap of so many new parents that I counsel at work; thinking there HAD to be an answer to every question, a way to make everything better and a reason for every little thing. After a while, I realized that I had to have more faith in myself and (again) trust in my own knowledge. And when there wasn't a clear answer, I had to tell myself what I tell my patient's parents: trust your instinct and don't overreact. Sometimes babies just cry. And sometimes they sleep. And sometimes they spit up. There isn't always an answer to every tiny thing. There's no magic bullet that will make life with a baby easier. But you'll know when something's wrong.

In general, I'm a pretty on-top-of-it kinda girl. I'm used to crossing things off my "To Do" list and never getting too far behind. My house is neat, my life is organized and everything is in order. And when things do get a little behind and life starts getting messy, I can only take it for so long before I go on a cleaning/organizing/catching up binge and all is right with the world again. (Yes, I have been accused of being psychotic by my husband, why do you ask?) I don't necessarily need to be the best at everything but I'm used to at least being good at things and doing well. One of the reasons that I think that first month was so hard on me was that it felt like the standard that I held myself up to was now completely unreachable. I prided myself at being on top of things and now that I (really, really) wasn't, my confidence and self-worth crumbled.

As much as I wanted to go on a cleaning binge and try to catch up with everything that needed to be done, I just couldn't. There wasn't enough time. And I certainly wasn't going to make Katie sacrifice because Mama didn't have her sh!t together. And sitting in the middle of that mess and knowing everything that I had to do (for work, at home, for Kate, etc) just made me more and more miserable. As for me, I averaged a shower every other day to every third day or so. Not only was it hard to get away from Katie (even more so when Brad went back to work) but recovering from a C-section made showering more difficult and uncomfortable. My house was a mess, I was a mess and it's not like I as doing one thing well to the exclusion of everything else! Nope, I felt like I was letting everyone down and not doing anything well. Crappy wife, lousy mother, shoddy homemaker. Why couldn't I handle this?

That first month we had to learn how to do every thing differently. Things took longer to get done, we were slower. The house was a mess for a while and it was mid-January before our Christmas tree came down (which is a big no-no for this Type-A-by-the-rules girl who always has her tree down the day after New Year's) and even longer before all the Christmas presents were put away. Brad was amazing the first time I told him how I felt. He said that he'd love to help but he didn't know what needed to be done. He told me to write a list of everything that needed doing and he would work on it. Even after he went back to work, he wanted me to be with Katie so he would come home and do some chores at night. Bless that wonderful man.

It felt like our house was a disaster but we slowly got through it. Laundry always needed doing but it got done eventually, and we even switched to paper plates so that we didn't have to do dishes as often. Also, I started ASKING FOR HELP! I still couldn't bring myself to ask friends but I did ask family to help with meals when they offered (aka I asked if Brad would ask when they offered). And I also asked my family if someone could come over and sit with Kate while I got some stuff done. That way I could be crossing stuff off my "To Do" list and Katie could still be getting the attention she needed. That, in and of itself, was a huge help and made me feel productive and worthwhile again. It was so nice to be on my feet bustling around the house, cleaning up, folding laundry, etc. I can't explain the high I feel when I'm being productive and getting things done. Whether it's at home or at work, I really enjoy being busy and accomplishing things. Brad calls it a sickness but I love it!

By the end of the first 4 to 6 weeks, we had gotten our rhythm down. And gradually I needed less and less help staying on top of things. And by the time I headed back to work Katie and I had worked out our own rhythm and we were able to get all our tasks done without any help. I was even back to getting home-cooked meals on the table most nights of the week. And since I love cooking, I was so happy to be doing it again.

My biggest piece of advice for new moms is not to be afraid (or in my case, embarrassed) to ask for help. And I will remember in the future that instead of asking new parents if they need anything I'm going to TELL THEM what I want to do for them and ask if they need anything else, that way they don't have to feel bad about asking. Also, as hard as this lesson has been for ME to learn, it is so important not to judge your worth based on the length of your "To Do" list.

I read somewhere that as a new mom, you have to think of your baby as your "job." Priority #1 is the baby, priority #2 if the baby is fine and you have free time is doing chores related to the baby (laundry, preparing feeds, cleaning bottles, etc) and priority #3 is taking care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of priorities #1 and #2 (eat, shower, sleep, etc). Very far down the list falls housework and the like. Looking at things like this made it a lot easier for me because it helped me realize that by taking care of Kate I was getting things done, the most important things.

Of course, this far out we are doing fine. Even better than that, we are amazing. Kate is such a joy to take care of and she is so full of smiles and personality. She loves going out. It's no big deal to run to the grocery store or to Target or out to meet her Daddy for lunch during the day. And I can do almost all my household chores while she's napping or if she's awake I just put her in her bouncer in the room with me and she'll happily play and keep me company. She sleeps better at night but somehow I'm still tired ALL THE TIME . . . but the best part is I've never been happier.

Kate’s First Month: The Love

2011-04-20T16:11:00.005-04:00

The first month with Kate seems like such a whirlwind. I remember when it was happening it seemed like time was passing so slowly. Long days and even longer nights. Those first few weeks I remember just staring at Kate. All. The. Time. I would sit down to eat and take a glance at her and before I knew it I had been gazing at her for several minutes. Or I would be holding her in front of the TV, catching up on a few shows and when my eyes would drift down to her face, I found myself completely unable to look away. I studied her features. Looked over her little hands, her knees, her face. I looked for similarities between Kate and I and Kate and Brad. I wondered who she looked like. I found myself getting choked up as I looked at her.
In fact, that whole first month, Brad caught me teary-eyed more times than I'd like to admit. My mom even asked if I had the "baby blues" because normally I'm not a crier. Even throughout the pregnancy I remained pretty level-headed. I would have to say that during my pregnancy I was even happier than normal. Now I'm sure that post-partum hormones played their role in my teariness, but mostly I just felt so overwhelmed with love for this little creature. When I looked at her I saw so many gorgeous things about her. This may sound odd, but over the years I've seen LOTS of babies and, absent-mindedly, I found myself categorizing them. The fair ones, the round-faced ones, the ones with pretty almond-shaped eyes, the not-so-cute ones, the ones with pretty hair, and the ones with cute little noses, etc. I always wondered what Brad and my baby would look like one day and I found myself drawn to the babies that had features similar to the ones I imagined our baby would have. Dark hair, round face, small nose, almond-shaped eyes. I always thought those babies were the cutest, probably because it was so easy to imagine that is how my baby would look. Of course, I had no idea what my baby would one day look like and I always said that no matter what he/she looked like I'd love her more than anything.
But now that she was here and as I looked at her for hours upon hours those first weeks, I realized that everything I'd ever asked for in a child was right here in this little girl. Since I was a little girl, I'd always wanted a daughter and here she was. A dark-haired, brown-eyed girl and here she was. The pretty, bright, almond-shaped eyes. The mass of straight, dark hair. The gorgeous, pouty lips. The tiny, petite nose. All the features I'd found so pretty in this baby or that baby, they were all here in this one little package that was my daughter. All the attributes I'd ever wished for in a baby . . . in my baby . . . had all come together in a beautiful, healthy, little girl. How did I get so lucky? And I was not just lucky because my daughter was a beauty but also because she was the picture of health. I see so many babies with bad hearts, bad lungs, even bad blood sugars. But I had been blessed with a perfect baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, and everything about her functioned just like it should. How in the world could I not get teary thinking of what a blessing I had been given? These were not sad tears. Not baby blues tears. Not tears of depression. These tears that flowed freely down my cheeks were tears of wonder and awe. Tears of the joy that I couldn't contain.

Kate’s First Month

2011-04-18T16:39:00.013-04:00

Even though I am so FAR behind, I have been keeping notes on Katie's developments and our life these first few months. So I'm finally going to start sharing monthly updates on her. There will actually be several posts regarding Katie's first month with us. Because as I sat down to write about it, I found that I had a lot to say. Not only was Kate here and we were becoming a new family but there were so many other adjustments. Finding out who we were as parents, how we coped, new habits, new activities, a new diabetes routine . . . a whole new normal. I had so many thoughts buzzing in my head as we tried to regain our footing and find sure ground that first month. So I broke it up into several posts based on the different things I was thinking those first few weeks. Of course, the first post will be devoted entirely to Miss Kate:

It's amazing how much we could learn about Kate in just a few weeks. It's hard to imagine back when we first found out that we were pregnant and she was just a tiny cluster of cells. Now she's this big, beautiful baby with likes and dislikes and habits and characteristics all her own. It’s hard to believe there was ever a time when we didn't know about her, when she didn't exist, when we weren't expecting her and preparing for her. These are just a few of the things we've picked up on about Kate so far:

* She picked up on breastfeeding pretty quickly (especially compared to some horror stories I've heard). She needed a little help with her latch and we used a nipple shield at first but were able to wean off that by about 2 weeks and she's been doing great ever since! And she doesn't spit up at all . . . we got really lucky!

* As far as feedings go, the only hiccup we had was when Kate was about a week old. She was getting too much foremilk and not enough hindmilk (the creamy, fattier milk that is released toward the end of the feeding). As a result, she was fussier, passing some loose green stools and not remaining satisfied as long between feeds. All we did to clear this up was to change from offering both breasts at each feeding to only offering one per feed, that way she would drain it completely and get plenty of hindmilk with each feeding. It also helped that the engorgement that I experienced around this time (OUCH!) cleared up in a few days. (FYI: When a mom is engorged it takes baby longer to get to the hindmilk which is fattier and keeps babies full longer.)

* She experimented with a couple of bottles of breastmilk during this first month. First, because I was pumping and bottle feeding just in case she wasn't getting enough, especially in the hospital. And second, because I wanted to make sure Brad had a chance to practice bottle feeding her for when I would go back to work. She was a CHAMP! A little bit of a messy eater (like most breastfed babies) but she took to the bottle great. She never had any trouble with nipple confusion and has even been on a paci since the beginning without issues!

* She doesn't have too much of a schedule for the first few weeks. She likes to eat every 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours and may go as long as 4 hours overnight. Mostly we are just on a rotating schedule of sleep-change-eat-awake-wash-rinse-repeat.

* She had some battles with erythema toxicum (aka newborn rash) that came and went from about 5 days old until she was about 2 weeks old and then cropped up again at about 4-6 weeks old. Very transient. I kept telling him not to sweat it but her dad worried about it a lot. I decided to try some Aveeno sensitive skin bath soap and it helped a little but really we just had to wait it out and it went away.

* We had LOADS of visitors the first few weeks. It seemed like everyone flocked to see our Katie girl. Which was fine by us because we LOVED showing her off . . .uh, I mean introducing her to everyone. Her grandmas, in particular, became crazy for her right away.

* It took us a while to venture out in the world. We did go to Target when Kate was 5 days old but that was because we needed a few necessities. But after that it was a couple weeks before we ventured out again. Brad was nervous to go anywhere with a newborn, afraid she'd cry and everyone would stare. Or that she would hate the car. But what we found instead was that she LOVED her car seat. It seemed to be a drug for her. She was always calm in it and usually drifted off to sleep shortly after being buckled in. Restaurants and stores didn't faze her. We were still hesitant to do too much but were relieved to find that if we needed to go out, Katie was amenable!!

* She started being vocal around 3 weeks with soft coos and short vowel sounds.

* She has a habit of grinning and smiling in her sleep and toward the end of the first month she even starts to show us her open-mouth, gummy, on-purpose smiles.

* She hated baths and diaper changes, but we quickly learned that her binky can help her (and Brad and I) get through unscarred. ;-)

* She loves laying on Mama's chest and it almost always put her to sleep.

* She also likes when Daddy walks around the house with her. "Doing laps" around the house almost always calms her down.

* She is generally a very happy baby and during the day spends her time laying in her Mama and Daddy's arms, looking around and only getting fussy when she needs changing or is hungry. Until, at about 1 1/2 weeks old, she started on her "sun-downing" trick where she got fussy every night once it got dark but still nothing a feeding or some cuddles couldn't soothe. Around 3 weeks, she decided that night-time (between around 9 to around midnight) was not her friend and just wailed every night during this time. Her dad discovered that making laps around the house was about the only thing that helped.

* Fortunately, I was able to get out of witnessing these awful spells because Brad took the "first shift" of the night, which allowed me to go to bed early and get some uninterrupted sleep. He usually stayed up with her until about midnight or so. Then he would bring her in and set her in the pack and play next to the bed (where she slept for the first 8 weeks) and go to bed. From that point on I would feed her and get her back to sleep so that he could rest up for work the next day. (More details on our night time routine here.)
* She wore Newborn sized clothes and diapers for her whole first month (and well into her second!) I was so surprised because I've heard so many parents say that their babies only wore NB size for a very short time or skipped that size all together! So we only had a handful of NB size outfits and actually had to run out and buy more!!

* Brad went back to work on January 17th. I think we were both a little worried about it! Brad had been such a huge help around the house while I was focused on Katie and it had been so nice to have him around that I couldn't imagine him being out of the house all day. And, of course, he didn't want to leave his girls behind. But it all worked out in the end and as hard as it was saying goodbye in the morning, it was always great to see him walk through that door every night! And he's so excited to be home. This is how he greeted Katie one night:

* As much as everyone says their baby loves the swing, sadly, Kate does not. She doesn't hate it but it isn't the cure-all for us that it seems to be for other parents. We also tried to put her on her playmat at about 2 or 3 weeks old to see if she was interested in the mobile and lights and music. Uh . . . not so much.

* She does what we call the "Ole!" It's where she has one fist up by her face and the fist curled up at the opposite elbow, kind of like a flamenco dancer. And you can just see "Ole!" in a thought bubble above her head. ;-)

* She got dressed up in her first official outfit and attended her first official outing, a bridal shower, on January 30th.

* At an appointment she had shortly after turning 1 month old she weighed 9 lbs 8 oz. Yay for good weight gain!

That's about it for my girl in her first month. It really was an amazing time for our little family. Next up: How this tiny girl stole a little more of our hearts every day.

My little tax break

2011-04-15T15:53:00.006-04:00

Happy Tax Day everyone!! We filed back in February but this year there was one BIG change in our return. Since our girly was born on December 31st people like to remind us that she is our little tax deduction. Well, then she is definitely the CUTEST tax deduction I've ever seen. ;-)~

Chillaxin' w/ her Dad

Giving her Grandma BIG smiles!

OMG!

2011-04-13T21:32:00.003-04:00

So, I'm seriously ashamed. No joke, call the mommy police! Recently, my friend Annie (also Type 1 and also recently had an adorable baby of her own) pointed out that there is something missing on my blog!

Notice that I have a picture of myself, my husband and our dog along the left-hand navigation side of the blog. In the past this was just to show off my family, the people (and dog) that I write about. Well, we recently had a very important addition to that family and she was nowhere to be seen! That's right folks, I forgot to add my daughter to my blog. Sure I talk about her all the time to everyone I meet and show an inordinate amount of pictures to anyone that even kind of asks about her. But how could I forget to add her to our little cast of characters along the side of my blog?!?

Well, I felt downright ashamed, so here she is in all her naked glory. (I know, let the therapy begin, right?) Hopefully I'll remember to update the picture relatively regularly as she grows. But, for now, I just feel better that she's up there. :-)

Looking ROUGH

2011-04-09T16:57:00.004-04:00

No! I am not referring to my body after baby. Why? You mean I can't wear my maternity jeans until Katie goes to kindergarten? It's not currently in style to be squishy? Ugh. Bummer. That is still a sore subject and I'm working on it, dammit!

Seriously, though. Kerri recently posted about the trials and tribulations her poor pump has seen. And, honestly, after reading it I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank the Lord above I'm not the only adult diabetic who beats their pump up like Mike Tyson on a bad day! Every so often when I look down I my pump, I really see it and I realize that it is looking more and more hit up every day. And I am forced to wonder, how do these giant scratches and deep gouges get there? It's finding a giant bruise on your body and having NO CLUE how it got there? What could I be doing that would inflict this level of carnage and destruction on my poor little pump??

I wasn't a terribly active person until recently (I told you, I'm working on it!!) and even still, how dangerous is the treadmill for a device that's tucked into your bra?!? During the day, I tend to store my pump in the pocket of my pants/jeans and clipped in a cami under my scrubs for work. Now, I am the rather clumsy and I tend to take sharp corners that result in me clipping my hips/toes/etc on walls and door frames. (DOH!) But my pump usually remains safely in my pocket/cami. The only time it's clipped to my waistband and is exposed is when I'm at home in my PJ's since they have no pocket. So sure, every now and then my pump gets a beating when I walk into a wall, but how often is that really?

When I was pregnant and on my feet for 24 hours straight at work, I tended to get pretty hot and sweaty. Gross, I know, but stay with me here. One day at work when I pulled my pump out of my cami, I noticed that the rubber cover over the up/down arrows stayed stuck to my skin as I pulled my pump away. It wasn't completely torn but it looked like the glue had melted and the rubber was coming up. I could only assume that this was because I had been hot and the pump was restingd against my skin. Luckily since Animas' warranty and customer support was awesome, they overnighted me another pump for free and I shipped the sweaty one back. Eww for them! Yay for me!

So I've technically only had my current pump for 6 months or so. I've gone through 3 pumps in 15 months?!? WHY?!? I will say that the screen on the Animas Ping is pretty soft and any kind of rough rubbing (like getting scuffed on the rivets of my jeans as I shove it into my pocket, say?) will create a white-ish scar over the screen. And it's pretty hard to see through if it's in the wrong spot. They offer a replacement screen film but I have no desire to pay $10 for it (plus shipping) when I can just as easily squint or use my meter remote. Call me cheap, I don't care, not doin' it !

Anyway, other than the hot-and-sweaty-business (which is gone now that I'm not dragging Katie around with me at work) and the screen, I can't for the life of me figure out why the rest of my pump looks like it's been through the garbage disposal. And I think I'll just have to live with the fact that I just may never know.

Anybody out there in that boat with me? Any other battered and bruised pumps?

PS: For those curious, I took these pics at work. And when I dug my pump out of my cami I had to dig everything else out of my shirt pocket/neckline to reach it. So it's dumped next my other work-time essentials that I carry on my person: my patient census with all my patients and their details (otherwise known as my "brain"), my ID badge and key to the call room/office, the delivery phone (that I would love to throw out the nearest window at 4am), a Diet Coke and cash for the vending machines. You know, the must-haves! ;-)

Dear Animas

2011-04-08T15:27:00.005-04:00

Sent today via their website:

"Dear Animas,

I wanted to contact Animas about an unfulfilled opportunity on their part. I am part of the diabetes blogging community and a user of the Animas Ping. I had my daughter 3 months ago and started using the Animas Ping prior to and during my pregnancy to get better control for my health and my baby's health during the pregnancy.

I like the Animas Ping and am much more satisfied with it compared to the pumps I was using several years ago. They were so bad that I went back to daily injections and was much happier for a time WITHOUT an insulin pump. Currently, I am so satisfied with the Ping that, for now, I have decided to continue using it despite my pregnancy having ended. That being said, I still believe that there is A LOT of room for improvement. Perhaps there are technical reasons for certain flaws that I've found with the Ping. But there are so many (what I see as) simple changes that could be made that would HUGELY improve my experience with this product.

This is where I see an opportunity on your part. I have recently read about many of the members of the diabetes blogging community who attended the Medtronic Diabetes Advocate Forum. And, longer ago, the Roche Summit. Medtronic and Roche invited them to attend a conference not only to educate them on their products, development and upcoming technologies but also to get their feedback on what could be done on their part to improve their service in areas like marketing, product features, improvements and customer service. They are showing that they understood the importance of gaining feedback from their users and that they find value in our perspective. The diabetes community has a big voice. We are strong-minded and outspoken about how we care for ourselves and what we expect in our treatment modalities. And we can easily see through attempts to manufacture products for our treatment by individuals who don't know our disease. (In fact, I feel like the Ping is largely focused toward the child pump-user and as an adult pumper I'm wondering why there aren't more features for me!)

If efforts are already being made by Animas to organize a seminar for their users then I am not aware of it and I want to say "Kudos!" to you. If not, I would like to strongly suggest that you consider inviting a sampling of your pump users to a conference that would provide an opportunity for an open back-and-forth between company and client. I know that for me there are so many times throughout the day when I think to myself, "Ugh! Why does this pump do THIS when it would be so much better if it did THAT?" Or something along those lines. These thoughts extend not just to Ping but also to the management software (ezManager Max) and the infusion sets, packaging and accessories that go with it.

I'm sure that I'm not alone in my desires for certain tweaks and adjustments in the current products offered by Animas. I also have a feeling that most Animas pumpers tend to run into the same issues and annoyances with the Ping. So I think that providing a forum for discussion with a sampling of Ping users would be invaluable for both the diabetes community of pump users as a whole and for Animas. And, for my part, I would be very interested to hear the process behind development and why perhaps things aren't as easy to change as I might think. And even get answers to my questions about certain Ping features, ie "why in the world would they design it like THAT?"

For example, during my pregnancy I had 3 basal programs. One for work, one for at home and one for my pre-pregnancy rates so that I could store them for after I delivered. However, since the Ping doesn't allow you to label your basal rates I had to store these rates under the pre-programmed names of "weekday," "other," and "weekend." It seems to me that being able to label my own basal programs would be an obvious and simple fix but, who knows? Maybe not. There are several small issues like this and other larger issues that I have concerns about. And I would like to know that Animas knows about these concerns and is making an effort to address them.

So many of your competing companies that manufacture technologies and supplies for the diabetes community (including Medtronic and Roche) are finding the value in a face to face exchange between them and their users. I do hope that you would consider hosting a handful (or more) of your Ping users at forum for discussion between you and us. In the meantime, if I can provide any additional information or be of any further assistance to facilitate this, please do not hesitate to contact me. I really look forward to the opportunity to sit down with representatives from Animas and share my story and I'm sure that there are many others who would relish this chance as well.

Sincerely,
Layne Petrino
Type 1 Diabetic and insulin pumper, diagnosed in 1991"

Girls' Day Out

2011-03-20T16:35:00.001-04:00

I promise that this is my last cop out post! :-) My computer just got fixed so I FINALLY have access to all my stuff again. Turned out my memory was fried but since it was under warranty Dell replaced it for free and even had the technician come out to my house to fix it! Whew . . close call!

But for now I thought I'd post a pic from Katie's first girls day out. One of my girlfriends just got married last weekend (YAY!) and had her bridal shower at the end of January. Since Katie wasn't even a month old and is a breastfeeder, I wasn't excited about leaving her at home all afternoon for the first time. So I got up the nerve to ask my girlfriend if she would mind if I brought her to the shower and she was super sweet and said of course not.

So, being the slacker that I am, up to that point I had not dressed her in a "real outfit." We would just put her in a cute onesie and maybe add some socks. I couldn't figure out why we should go to all that trouble when we were just chilling out at home. So instead I chose easy access (snap at the crotch onesies are the best, btw), comfortable no-muss, no-fuss outfits.

BUT this was her first party! And that was a different story. So of course I had to dress her up! And I was so excited. I knew exactly what I wanted her to wear. It was an adorable outfit I saw pretty early on in my pregnancy. Right away it stood out to me and I loved it. The thing I loved so much was that it was a cute, girly dress without being overrun with pink. I don't have a problem with pink but it seems like there is a rule somewhere that baby girl clothing must contain pink somewhere!?!? WTF? So I mentioned it to my mom and, of course, she ran out and bought it. I'm SO GLAD that we had it and got a chance to show Katie off in it. And being the obsessive picture-taking fool that I am, I made sure to document this adorable outfit for posterity!

Adorable! And one of the best parts? Her matching blue "Mary Jane" socks!! I have a set of these in six (!?!) colors. They are also a gift from Nana (my mom) and I love them. They are always a hit with everyone who sees them.

FYI: Yes, this is a picture from January and no, we are not crazy-cruel parents allowing our daughter out in the cold with bare legs. We live in Florida and it was in the high 70s that day so she got to wear her dress sans leggings.

Please, excuse my husband, her modeling "coach." She had just been bathed, fed and dressed and, as a result, was a little bit of a limp noodle. ;-)

Hallelujah!

2011-03-16T21:10:00.002-04:00

I seriously hope this doesn't put a hex on the whole damn thing but here goes. . .

I just couldn't help it. I had to brag that my girl Katie has discovered how to go 6 hours in between feedings overnight! And this habit has stuck THREE nights in a row! And this morning, which would have been the fourth night, she went over 8 1/2 hours!

So, here's the story: Last night when she woke up, Brad went to grab her from her crib and change her while I tested my blood sugar (our normal routine, see below). I looked at the clock and I just about fell outta bed! It was 6:33am?!?! I grabbed her timer and, sure enough, it had been 8 hours and 49 minutes since her last feeding.

Naturally, the first thing I did was panic. Why is it that just when you get what you are wishing for as a parent (the baby to mellow out, the baby to sleep more, etc) the first thing you do is worry?? I even considered testing her bloodsugar to make sure she hadn't gone low. (Which I did, by the way, within the first week or so after bringing her home when she slept 6 1/2 hours in between feedings out of the blue! Of course her sugar was fine (94) and I felt stupid. Although it made me feel slightly better that she didn't even blink when I pricked her little heel.) Anyway I quickly reminded myself that if she was hungry she would have let us know and one look at her big grin confirmed that she was fine. The only down side was that she wasn't really interested in going back to sleep this morning after she was fed. But after getting 7 hours of sleep in a row, who am I to complain??

So proud of my girl . . lets just hope it sticks!!

Taking a nap on daddy is so comfy!

My sleeping beauty!

FYI: You may notice that I'm going out of my say how long she went "in between feeds" rather than how long she slept. I'm doing that because technically, she doesn't sleep this whole time. I start the timer at the beginning of her last feeding of the night but she usually doesn't go down for the night for another hour or two after that. For example, I usually feed her for the last time of the night around 9 or 10pm. At this point, I hand her over to Brad who takes over for the rest of the night until she goes to sleep.

I'm usually up for a little bit winding down before I go to bed. Katie is also up for a little bit before she's goes to bed and then Brad joins me. (This routine usually allows me to get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep during the night, since I'm SUCH a light sleeper otherwise and Katie takes a while stirring and sleeping off and on until she's down for the night.) Overnight, I take over so that Brad can sleep since he has to work. When Katie wakes up his only job is to grab her from her crib and change her while I test my blood sugar and grab a drink. (When you're breastfeeding you gotta stay hydrated!) Then he hands her over and goes back to bed, while I feed her and get her back to sleep. This process can take anywhere from 20 minutes to over an hour.

Anyway, my point is just because she goes 6-8 hours between feedings doesn't mean I sleep that whole time. Usually if you shave an hour or two off that you'll be close to how long I got to sleep! ;-)

Derailed

2011-03-09T16:12:00.005-05:00

So even with all my good intentions unfortunately there won't be a real post for a while. Why? Because just recently my laptop decided to die. I'm going to contact Dell since we just got it last summer and it's still under warranty. Hopefully it's fixable because all of Katie's pics are on there! Worst case scenario, we'll have to ghost the hard drive to get all our info off it. But what a PAIN!!!

In the mean time, without my laptop it feels like I'm missing a limb. All my documents are on there . . . my budget spreadsheet (don't laugh, I know I'm a nerd), our pictures, my documents for work, my mock-ups for her birth announcements (again, don't laugh), etc. I feel like all my "to do's" are on hold. Including blogging . . . since what self-respecting new-mom blogger with a 10-week-old could stand to write a real post without pictures (especially her monthly milestones posts)?!?

So it may be longer than expected before the next post. Sorry! So to hold you over, here are a couple of pics of Katie that are stored on Brad's computer.

Enjoy!

Katie, about 5 days old, after her first bath at home . . a little dazed. ;-D

Skip to 3 weeks old and a pic of our girl sleeping. ::sigh::
I had just gotten my new camera and we spent some time playing with it!
It took a couple more weeks to get the hang of it but the pics were still great from day one.

And finally two of the professional pics we had taken of Katie as a "newborn."
She was actually 3 weeks old.

A whole new life

2011-03-05T14:38:00.006-05:00

I know, I know . . . long time, no blog. In case you haven't heard, I've kinda had some stuff going on. :-) I hate that I've spent the last 2 months not blogging. Not because I'm one of those folks who just-has-to-post!! (I'm not but you know there are folks like that out there.) I hate it partly because I feel like I've grown close to the blogging community as they journeyed through my pregnancy (and as I've journeyed with them). So I hate that that connection has been temporarily severed. When I got home from the hospital I had 200+ unread posts in my Google Reader and they continued to pile up. It took me forever to get back to reading and it was slow going through them all but eventually I did catch up. And it's made me feel better to be up-to-date on how my peeps in the blogosphere are doing. I missed you folks! And I really want to get back in the game! I want to share all the new, wonderful, crazy, funny, scary things that have happened in my life.

But really, there's more to it than that. As much as I blog to be part of a community, I also blog to document my life for me. I love how my whole pregnancy is documented. How I looked and felt is all written down. All my thoughts and fears and hopes and daydreams. The pregnancy is quickly fading from my memory which is crazy because at the time I felt like it was going so slowly! So now I'm loving having my experience written down somewhere.

But now that Katie is here, and I have precious little time to blog, I feel like her little life is flying by and I so desperately want to document it. Now, mind you, I've taken NO SHORTAGE of pictures with my beloved new camera that I got with Christmas money. (Sidenote: Best. Idea. Ever. If you are about to become a parent, invest in a nice camera. Mine is really nice but idiot-proof. I'm setting it to "Auto" and every pic I take of her is beautiful and frame-worthy. But it's also the kind of camera that as I learn more about it I can actually do more with it to get even better pics. I'm so glad I invested in this. The memories it has documented are priceless and I would recommend it to every new parent I see!) But most of the pictures have remained on the camera's memory card. Much like all of our life experiences and Katie's milestones over the last 9 weeks have remained in my memory banks.

I want to cherish this time. But it's going so fast despite me trying to savor it. Today is my first day back at work and I left most of my heart (and my brain) at home with my little girl and her dad. But as I think about them I realize, I actually have time to blog at work! Because at work I actually have both hands free! And as I sit here and think of Katie and catch up on some posts in my Reader, I've decided to dive back it to blogging. I'm sure it won't happen as much as I want it to (and probably mostly on days that I'm at work) but I'm going to do my best. My first posts will be Katie's monthly milestones. The first month is long past (::sniff::sniff::) and the second month just ended a few days ago. But I'm going to go ahead and blog about them (and other things that have past) because not only do I want to catch you up, but also because I want some things written down for myself and my family.

So, hello again! I missed you all!
~Layne

PS: Since I just have to share a picture I'll share one of the few that I have with me at work. I took this with my phone yesterday so the quality is crap. But she was so happy and smiley that I had to document it. Plus I knew that I wanted to have pics of her to gaze at while I was at work. Enjoy!

And baby makes three . . .

2011-01-06T17:51:00.005-05:00

Sorry for the absence folks . . . but we have a bit of news to share. Last Thursday night (December 30th), Brad and I headed out to the hospital at 8pm for my induction. We were both actually kinda nervous but also super excited. We knew life was about to change big time but had no clue what the next hours and days had in store for us. Before leaving home, I decided to snap one more picture of the belly before the little girl made her appearance:

37 weeks pregnant

We also practiced strapping an unsuspecting teddy bear into Katie's car seat, just to make sure we were prepared:

And we snapped one last picture of our family looking like this:

Brad, Raina and I

Then, on December 31st at 1:53pm, we welcomed Miss Kate Autumn into our world and our hearts. She is 6 pounds, 13 ounces of wonderful. And 19 1/2 inches of beautiful. And she was perfect in every way. Life has been very different since then. And our life and family has been looking more like this:

Katie and Mommy skin-to-skin after giving her her first bath.

Katie and Daddy snuggling at home.

Little Miss Katie in a milk coma in Mommy's arms after a feeding.

My beautiful Kate first thing in the morning. What a wonderful thing to wake up to.

The last week has been so different and so wonderful and every moment has had me counting my blessings in more ways than one. My daughter is the sweetest, prettiest baby I've ever seen (and I've seen quite a few!) and my husband is the most wonderful man and the best father that I could have ever asked for for my child. And our friends and family are the kindest most supportive group of folks I can imagine. I'm an tear-y, sappy mess right now (thanks, hormones!) but I can say without a doubt that I can't imagine life any way other than how it is right now.

Needless to say, I'll be posting less for now. But I promise to post about my birth experience (less than optimal), how my diabetes has been affected post-pregnancy (talk about doing a 180!) and a few other things I meant to post before Miss Kate's arrival that just didn't happen.

Until then, I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy New Year. Now I'm off to snuggle (and feed) the most beautiful little girl in the world.

~Layne, Brad and Katie

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!

2010-12-26T07:32:00.004-05:00

I know I'm late but I couldn't let Christmas pass without wishing you all a very Merry Christmas! I officially finished my last shift of work on Christmas Eve and Ill be off from now until the baby is here! And thank the Lord, too, because, WOWZA, was that last shift crazy busy! I spent most of Christmas Eve sleeping and recovering!

Christmas Day was a very happy one for my little family! We all made out really well in the present department and spent a happy (relatively) mellow day with family. And since Miss Katie turns another week "older" every Friday, I thought it would be appropriate to post a belly update, wince Christmas Eve/Christmas falls on a Friday/Saturday this year. So here is our little girl (and my big 'ol belly) at 36 weeks!

Also, even though I'm planning to do an update to give more Christmas details and to show off a few of the goodies we received this year (I told you we really made out!), I still thought I'd show you my favorite gift of all! :-)

I know, I know. Brad kept telling me it was super cheesy but I just couldn't help myself! What can I say, it made me grin!

I hope you and your loved one all had a wonderful, magical, happy Christmas!
~Layne

Holiday Cooking and Baking

2010-12-22T10:44:00.002-05:00

Normally, I love and adore cooking and baking for the holidays. I love the sweets and I love making fancy dinners for my husband and family. If you don't believe me here's the evidence. Oh! And here, here and here. There's more, but I'm sure you get the point. BUT this year has been a little different. First, I'm huge. And I work 2 hours away and pull 24-hour shifts. And I'm huge. And I've been putting up Christmas decorations. And shopping for presents. And wrapping presents. And I don't sleep that well at night anymore. And I'm getting ready for this new little perso n who will be joining our house soon. And I'm huge . . and sore. In short, I'm seriously beat!

::Wow, I just re-read that and, dude, I'm being such a whiner! Sheesh!::

In holidays past, I did all that stuff (minus the baby thing) and still powered through all the cooking and baking. This year, it's not working out that way. I want to bake. I want to cook and make something yummy. But I seriously cannot muster up the energy. Dinner during the week has still been happening (barely) but unfortunately the cooking and baking marathons that I'm used to for the holidays have fallen by the wayside. And, really, I'm bummed about that. Especially since I've been seeing some awesome looking treats for the holidays that, normally, I'd be all about trying!! Like this yummy chocolate gingerbread, or this white chocolate marshmallow fudge, and these chocolate chip tea cookies, butter cookies and peanut brittle. They all look so delicious and simple but I just can't decide! And even if I could, when do I have the time to do it? And usually I try to make some holiday treats as gifts for coworkers (here are some great ideas that I've tried some of and bookmarked others), because people who work in hospitals like to EAT, let me tell you! But again, no time and no energy. Though, in all truth my blood-sugars are probably thanking me and I know my feet and back are too.

So, we are going the lazy route this year. As much as I enjoyed preparing and hosting Thanksgiving, we won't be repeating that for Christmas. For my family's holiday, we will be doing pasta. They are bringing the sauce and dessert over (because they are angels and offered to do it at my place so we wouldn't have to travel . . . have I mentioned how much I love them?) and I am making the noodles, (bagged) salad, and (frozen, pre-made) dinner rolls. Can you say cop-out? My in-laws always host something separate at their house and like to be in charge of the food for their get together. I also celebrate every year with my best friend and our husbands (usually by cooking a gourmet dinner with/for our husbands for the holidays).

This is one of my favorite holiday meals because we come up with stuff that sounds yummy and awesome and we've been dying to try and we go to town in the kitchen all day. And since we are in there together, it feels like fun instead of work. But this year, she knows how whipped I've been and actually offered to order pizza. Pizza?!? It was really sweet of her but I just couldn't do it. I'd seen some ridiculously easy but yummy-looking recipes that I'd thought about trying for a weeknight meal and thought of a few more that I'd used for weeknight meals and know are delicious and quick and simple and suggested those instead . . . with few pre-made stuff thrown in. So, we've decided on grilled steaks with an easy blue cheese sauce (think heavy cream + blue cheese = done), roasted asparagus (again, seriously easy), salad (bagged), doctored-up pre-made mashed potatoes (I'm thinking of adding some cream and goat cheese or marscapone . . yummm) and dinner rolls (frozen, pre-made) . Maybe we'll buy a yummy dessert from the bakery? Or maybe we'll make monkey bread . . . I mean, it's practically a holiday staple right?

Why am I writing this post? Is it to whine about pregnancy. No, but it sorta came out that way, didn't it? Is it to kvetch about the holidays? Not really, I love Christmas and actually miss all the activities that I feel too tired to do! I think it's mostly to remind myself about all the fun I've had in the past with my holiday cooking and baking adventures. Because looking through old posts of mine and bookmarking posts of others has made it feel like I did kinda get to experience the baking fun! And it will be a great reference for next year to remember all the fun treats I wanted to try! And then I'll have a little kitchen helper with me who I'm sure will also function as my supervisor for "quality control." :-)

So what are your cooking and baking plans for the holidays? Do you enjoy it and try to find ways to fit it into the hectic holiday schedule? Or do you leave it up to others and enjoy the spoils? Are you hosting this year? Participating in a pot luck? I'd love to hear what everyone else has planned!

In conclusion, right now I'm 9 months pregnant and cooking a baby girl . . . and I think that will about do it for this weekend! The end. ;-)

Christmas Card

2010-12-21T16:16:00.005-05:00

As you probably remember, this year we were so excited about getting our FREE Christmas cards from Shutterfly. We usually do photocards for our holiday cards but I was SUPER excited about it this year because I knew that I wanted to include Katie in some way. Even if she won't be here-here this Christmas, she is still part of the family and I wanted to find a way to include her in our holiday greeting.

I also have a friend who is a great photographer and has shot some adorable maternity pics so I asked her to shoot a few for Brad and I (and Katie). Both as a keepsake and for us to use in the Christmas cards.

So here is the finished product! Please consider this my Christmas card to all of you in the DOC and the blogosphere. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful, happy New Year! I know that (for me) 2011 is lining up to be one of the BEST, happiest years of my life! :-D

Katie's Nursery!

2010-12-19T14:00:00.001-05:00

We've been putting a few finishing touches on it for the last week . . . trying to find a few decorative storage bins, washing her linens and clothes (it took 3 loads!?!) so that we could dress her bed and pack her hospital bag, hang up a few things on the wall. But there will always be stuff to do. I still have a couple of projects in mind to decorate and we have to build some shelves to help organize her closet . . . but, really, I couldn't be happier with it.

But first, I should probably share a bit about our baby girl. We decided on her name a couple of months ago. We love it and think it's such a sweet, simple name and we decided to incorporate into the decoration of her room (and her baby shower). And, to my complete surprise and delight, so many of our friends and family gave us things with her name monogrammed on them. For some reason, this amazed me. It was such a thrill seeing her name on things (hooded towels, blankets, cards, clothes) and it was just a reminder of how real she is and how soon she'll be here! So, I wanted to share her name with everyone since you'll be seeing it splashed all over her room!

Our baby girl will be named Kate Autumn and, as you can probably tell by the title of this post, we've taken to calling her "Katie." So, without further ado, here's a quick tour of Miss Katie's room!

Here is a quick reminder of how it looked before we re-vamped it into her nursery. It was our old guestroom (see also: Raina's room). During the remodel, we removed the weird crown-molding that was about a foot and a half below the ceiling and added new (real) crown molding. We also spackled, painted, hung a new fan and new closet doors.

This is her bookcase. This is the first thing you see as you look into her room, right across from the doorway. More than anything, I wanted a bookcase in her room. I have such wonderful memories of being read to and learning to read when I was younger. Brad is just excited about reading to her as I am and we plan on starting as soon as possible. So far the bookcase is filled with books from my childhood and from Brad's. Over time, we'll get her books of her own. I just hope she'll develop the love of reading and learning that her dad and I have.

Another view of her bookcase. Her diaper bag is resting on the floor at the foot of the bookcase and is packed and ready for us to take to the hospital. On top of the bookcase is a topiary that one of my shower hosts made from washcloths and baby socks, curled up to look like roses. How adorable is that?!? I can't bear to take it apart! And you can see a few of her stuffed animals hanging out in the bookcase with her books.

Moving over, on the other side of the window is her glider. It's so comfy and I can't wait to rock her and feed her in it! Next to it is her hamper which is conveniently located in between her crib and her glider so that I can dump spitty burp cloths in it after feeds or dirty linens from her crib.

Again, here's a view of the corner of her room with her glider in it. And you can see the stripe affect that we painted on her wall.

Her bedding and her crib. I'm not a huge girly girl. (I know, I know, but it's true, despite all the pink!) So rather than go with flowers or butterflies, I really liked the idea of clean lines and geometric shapes. Her dad ::cough::cough:: is a big fan of gender-specific color and so, in addition to all the pink, I added in touches of brown and green. And the bedding incorperates this color scheme and the stripes and polka dots from the rest of the room.

And, of course, we couldn't resist adding her name to the wall above her crib. Her birth certificate will say "Kate" but ever since we decided on her name she's been our "Katie" girl, so we went with that. I just bought these wooden letters at a craft store and painted them the same brown from the stripes on the wall and hung them over her crib.

And, to prove I'm not a girly girl, you can see one of my stuffed toys from childhood . . a football! Brad thinks it's the weirdest thing ever but I love it. And I wanted Katie to have it. I also love puppies (hence my "Puppy Love" Christmas ornaments) and thought this was one of the cutest stuffed puppies I'd seen and had to have it for her. Also in her bed is her "going home" outfit. A cute but simple, soft cotton dress. We'll probably need to add BabyLegs or a sweater or bundle her up nice and tight since she will be born in December/January but I really loved this outfit for her to come home in. I kept it on the hanger rather than in her diaper bag so it wouldn't get wrinkled . . . now, hopefully I won't forget it!

And here is her changing table. It's to the right of the door as you walk in and on the opposite side of the room as the bookcase. The only wall I've left out just has her closet on it, not very exciting. I fell in love with an adorable diaper caddy that I got but wasn't able to use, since this is a small changing table and it didn't fit. So the storage bins underneath hold all of the supplies for diaper changes as well as a few odds and ends like lotions, pacifiers, thermometers, bath supplies, etc. Hopefully it will be pretty convenient, even though it can't go on top of the changer like I had envisioned.

And, as you can see in the above two pictures, Katie's older sister, Raina, had to come in and investigate while I was taking pictures of her room. I know she's been scratching her little head, wondering what in the world we've been doing to "her" room. She's very curious about it but since there isn't a big ol' bed for her to hop on and no covers for her to burrow under, I think she's a little underwhelmed with the remodel. ;-)

So, that's her room. I can't wait until there is a little girl here to put in it!

Doctor vs. Doctor

2010-12-15T19:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is something that I could have gone into on my most recent rant but I was getting ramble-y already and, it really is a separate issue. I'm not sure if this is a common problem in diabetic pregnancies but it's been pretty frustrating for me so I thought I'd put it out there and see what others' experiences were. . .

Over the past few months as the doctors appointments have really ramped up, I've been getting more and more frustrated with all these crazy doctors! Individually, I actually really like all the MDs that I see. But all together, they seem to be one of my biggest hurdles right now. Mostly emotionally. For instance, it doesn't help certain bloodsugar-related matters that my Endo is freaking out over every single low blood sugar. And, of course, I'm super worried about the highs. But I feel like I have to go super slow with any adjustments I make for fear of being lectured again about over-doing it. ("You don't want to have a seizure, do you? You know, that wouldn't be good for the baby either, would it?") And it seems like going so slow just means my numbers stay out-of-whack for longer.

Meanwhile, my OB and perinatologist freak out anytime my fasting sugars are over 95. Even a morning blood-sugar of 105 draws sideways glances from them. Seriously? My Endo says that the OB's just don't get diabetes and aren't realistic but my OB's say that pregnancy is a totally different animal that just can't follow the same rules. No one can agree and in the mean time, it seems like no one cares what I think. Which is especially frustrating because not only have I been diabetic for 20 years but I'm medical and work in the NICU and deal with pregnant ladies and babies all the time. I kinda know what I'm talking about here and wish everyone would stop patronizing me and just listen! Add to it that I have to hear these opinions multiple times a week because that's how often I'm seeing random doctors, and I feel like my head is going to explode.

On a brighter note, the tweaks to my carb ratio made a huge difference in my sugars. The week of bad sugars that I was talking about in my recent rant happened a while ago and things have definitely made a turn for the better since then. Also, my Endo said something to me that (::gasp::) actually helped. He explained that as pregnancy progresses, gastric emptying time increases. Meaning that as I get further along, the food I eat doesn't exit my stomach and actually start getting absorbed until more and more time has elapsed. This really helps explain why I'm not spiking until 2-3 hours after I eat. It was so annoying to see my blood sugars stay pretty steady initially after a meal and actually think that I'd actually managed to bolus correctly . . . until 3 hours later, when I'd randomly spike into the 250s. He also suggested since I'm having to go up so much on my car ratio that maybe I should try grazing throughout the day rather than eating 3 larger meals.

I'm not really a fan of grazing because I feel like I end up eating a lot more. At a meal, I plan out what I eat, sit down, eat it and when it's gone, I'm done. But if I have to graze and eat more often, I feel like I lose the regimen and the willpower and overeat. But I'm trying it anyway. The plan is no more than 30-35 carbs at a time, with lots of protein (hard for me because I'm more of a fruit and veggie girl than a meat-eater) and eating every 3-ish hours. So far, combining these two things (grazing and taking the slower gastric emptying time into account) with increasing my carb ratio has proved very helpful in reigning in my numbers!!! I haven't seen anything in the 200s in several days!! :-D And even the 170s and 180s have only cropped up a couple of times.

Anyway, I know that each doctor has me and the baby in mind but my Endo's tend to put a lot of focus on me and my OB's/perinatologists put way more focus on the baby. I tend to be somewhere in the middle but, truthfully, lean more toward my OBs way of thinking. Mostly because I've been lucky enough (::knocking on wood::) that I haven't ever had lows that were scary. No passing out. No inability to think straight. I've always been with it enough to eat and check my sugar if I need to. And no issues with hypoglycemia unawareness. So I'm not really afraid of lows. I'd rather just air on the lower side and protect the little girl rather than air on the higher end of the spectrum.

But that's just me. And I really do get both sides of the argument.

I spoke with my Endo's nurse today because I'm still waiting on the labs from my last appointment. My fructosamine 207) and my microalbumin (7) look great (YAY!) but still no word on the A1C. Anyway, I told her a little bit about the tug-of-war that I feel like I'm in the middle of and she said that this was very common in their Type 1 pregnant patients. She said that most OB's just don't understand that there is a difference between Type 1's and Type 2's/Gestational diabetics. I get that and I tend to agree. Mostly I was just glad to hear that this is something other patients had to deal with and not just me.

Anyone else out there having this issue? Just curious.

(Another) Blood Sugar Rant

2010-12-14T19:11:00.003-05:00

Okay, brace yourselves because I had a bit of a bumpy ride about a week ago and I'm kinda ready to rant. Here it goes . . .

So my sugars have been driving me crazy lately. Recently, for my entire 32nd week of pregnancy, I saw way too many numbers in the 200s and even a couple in the 300s. At first, I thought no big deal. It keeps happening throughout my second and third trimester. I'll go along thinking I've got this whole pregancy-with-diabetes-and-stupid-insulin-resistance-thing down and then I'll have the week from hell. This is where my sugars suck no matter what I do. And since this whole insulin resistance thing seems to wax and wane a bit (ie what works one day won't work the next) I don't want to adjust too quickly and bottom out. Instead, I slowly tweak things here and there and eventually get everything under control again. But it's torture waiting until I see those numbers come down and all I can think is "I'm the worst mother/incubator ever and I'm frying my poor child with awful sugars!!!"

Can you tell this is making me a little manic? Anyway, this past week of bad sugars was probably the worst one yet. Not only were my blood sugars higher than they'd ever been but they were so resistant to anything I did and it made me want to scream. I was trying sooo hard and it was so frustrating that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to help. Recently, my biggest issue seems to be that I have trouble getting my numbers back down after meals. I can't help but to spike into the 180s or 200s (sometimes even mid-200s) after meals. But not right after meals, more like 2-3 hours later and then my sugars just won't come back down despite bolus after bolus. Then, randomly, 3 hours later I'll check and I'm 45. And I'm really careful about not stacking boluses so what gives?!?!

I've tweaked my basals and my sensitivity factor but it barely made a dent. And you might wonder why I didn't just up my carb ratio. Well, its easier said then done. I've always had a pretty high carb ratio and before pregnancy it was 1:5. Obviuosly, with a carb ratio that high (or low? depending on how you think about it) it's hard to tweak things. For example, the smallest increment I can go by is one, so my next move would be to 1:4. (Oh, how I wish I could do increments of 0.5 on my pump for my carb ratio!) Anyway, that's the smallest amount I can increase it and yet its a 20% change! That's a huge jump?!? So, I actually did end up going to a ratio of 1:4 a few weeks ago and I was very hesitant to bump it anymore because (again) the next jump would be going to 1:3 and now we're talking a 25% jump. It really blows having such a low carb ratios because they become really hard to tweak. Pretty soon I might have to give up on my bolus wizard and whip out a calculator so that I can do ridiculous carb ratios, like 1 unit of insuling for every 2.75 carbs.

Another thing that's making this whole insulin resistance thing even more frustrating is that some days my total daily dose is as high as 130 units!?! And since my reservoir only holds 200 units (really 180 after priming) I'm changing it CONSTANTLY and always at really inconvenient times (think middle of the night, at work or even better, during my own baby shower). Most days I'm only around 105 or so units per day but, again, every day is different. As it is, I can barely go 2 full days changing my cartridge which also means I'm changing my site with it. Ugh. Super annoying.

Anyway, I had such a meltdown the other day. I was up in the 200s, feeling like crap, couldn't get my sugar down, running out of insulin, my CGM was screaming at me and I just started to lose it. I started crying iin front of my husband and couldn't make myself stop. I think I totally freaked him out. I could tell Brad felt awful and totally didn't expect the meltdown. He kept telling me how good I was doing and how hard I was working and that he was so proud of me. But all I could think to myself (because I was too verklempt to speak) is that it doesn't matter how hard I try, if I can't get my blood sugars under control the baby and I both suffer. I can't tell my placenta that I'm trying hard, so can you please take it easy on me? No. All that matters are the numbers . . if they suck, bad things happen. Period.

And going into this pregnancy, I knew I'd have to stay on top of it and there would be a lot of hard work and changes, especially towards to end. What I didn't expect was to actually be super vigilant and on top of things, making adjustments constantly and still NOT see any response. To bolus and bolus and bolus and have my blood sugars just stare back at me, unmoving. Or even better . . . keep going up!

I feel like I'm trying so hard to be the "good diabetic" pregnant lady who has great blood sugars, great A1Cs and whose baby comes out weighing a normal amount and has no complications. It can be done. I know it can. And yet no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep up with my body. So it seems like even though I know it can be done, apparently I'm the schmuck who can't do it. And worst of all is that the baby could suffer because of it. It's infuriating! I hate feeling like I have no control, especially over something so important. And I really hate feeling so helpless!

Anyway, I finally bit the bullet and went to 1:3 for my carb ratio over a week ago. I was totally freaked that I would be low all the time but so far so good. In fact, the last several days my sugars have been pretty great. ::knock on wood:: I am actually having a few more lows now but I think those can be fixed by dialing my basals a bit since I was jacking them way up in a feable attempt to avoid messing with my carb ratio. I think things are getting better . . . slowly. But I'm not sure that I'll still have my sanity by the end of this pregnancy!

I hope that wasn't too much venting. And I hope that I'm not the only freak out there who feels this way, or worse, has this much trouble with her sugars. I think my biggest fear is that it's ME, not the DIABETES that is doing this to myself and my baby. That it's my fault and that I'm missing something or doing something wrong. I know this disease can totally psych a person out and make them feel guilty for stuff that they can't control so I'm hoping that's what this is . . . and not just an excuse.

32 Week Update

2010-12-12T16:36:00.007-05:00

So I never did a 32 week update and now I'm over 34 weeks!! So I thought I'd just combine the two. So far everything is still going well . . . ish. I don't know what has happened over the last week or so but I'm definitely feeling huge and out of breath all the time. And even though they say that the baby's movements should calm down (since she's quickly running out of room) and get less intense . . . this little girl does NOT seem to know that! She still bounces all around in there and now she packs a punch!

But it's still so cool to be able to see her from the outside and feel her so strongly. One thing that started happening maybe 3-4 weeks ago is that she got the hiccups for the first time. And now she gets them ALL the time! I feel kinda bad for her because she probably gets them once a day or so and they last a good 5-10 minutes! But it's also pretty cute!

Another change is that the sugars are starting to misbehave again. I'll probably do a whole other post on that because it just about broke me. Suffice it to say, the going was rough for about a week and that seemed to also be the week that the pregnancy hormones kicked in (up until then I'd been holding my own on the emotional front) because that week of crappy control really got to me.

As far as the doctors are concerned, everything is going to plan. Her overall growth is still in the mid-40th percentile but her abdominal growth jumped from 50th to 70th percentile. That TOTALLY freaked me out but I was assured it's not worrisome at this point. But since then, I've been working overtime to get these sugars under control so that she is affected as little as possible. I saw my endo last week but he hadn't received my test results from the lab yet, so I don't know my most recent A1C. Hopefully he'll call soon with that. Anyway, on to belly pics!

Here's a reminder of the belly at 29 weeks . . .

And here's the belly at 32 weeks. . .

And here it is today at 34 weeks and 3 days. Whew! It seems like the last 2 weeks she has really grown. For those who don't know, I'm pretty short, just shy of 5' 2". And my torso has always been the shortest par of me. I'm starting to wonder if that is why the belly is starting to poke out so sharply and I'm getting more and more uncomfortable (like, exponentially) the bigger she gets. That . . . or maybe I'm just being a huge wimp and need to get over it. Hmmm?

And, just because I was curious how the pics of "my view" of the belly would look if I put them side by side . . . here it is at 25 weeks.

. . and my view at 29 weeks . .

And my view today, at 34 weeks.
Holy smokes! These last 5 weeks she's been a busy lady!

That's about it for the update. The delivery date is still up in the air but it's looking like 37-ish weeks which means we only have 3 more weeks!! And then we get to meet her!!! And I did want to talk more about my trials and tribulations with my blood sugars but I just don't have it in me right now. And I also need to post pics of the nursery because it's pretty much done. All that will have to wait for the next update. Hope everyone is having a good Monday! Hopefully next time I update I'll have more info on her arrival!!

Nursery Update and Baby Gifts!!

2010-12-10T19:14:00.014-05:00

So sorry for the week long absence. I was a little burnt out from NaBloPoMo and needed the blogging break.

I also want to admit that I've been putting off posting pics of the nursery. And it's not because it's not coming along (it is) or because we don't love it (we totally DO). But, unlike the bathroom remodel, I feel so sentimental and attached to this particular project that I can't bear to show it without it being perfect. And for it to be perfect, absolutely every detail needs to be finished. And (because we are slackers) it's not.

First, it took forever to get the paint the way we wanted it. (UGH! That was a nightmare of a story that I don't even want to think about.) Then my in-laws (who offered to buy the nursery furniture for us - so SWEET!) ordered our furniture and, to save on shipping, we offered to pick it up ourselves. Unfortunately, everything fit in my SUV except the crib. ::sigh:: So we had to wait for the weekend, rent a stupid U-Haul and make a second trip to get the crib. (Mental note: next time, spring for the shipping.) And, finally, just when we thought we were almost through, we realized we hadn't ordered a mattress. (Parental brainfart #1. The first of many, I'm sure!) So, hopefully the mattress will be arriving tomorrow along with the glider (a gift from my awesome mom) and we can finish up the last of a few small projects, dress the bed, build the glider and be DONE!! Whooppee!!

I must say that the nursery has been super close to done for a while and I adore it. I walk by it and grin. Most times I really can't help but stop and stare at it. Most of the time I find myself walking in, lost in my own thoughts and looking around, imagining what it will be like to have her in it. I feel totally cheesy doing all this, much less admitting it over the internet but, seriously, I'm in love. Both Brad and I are in such love with this little girl that having such a beautiful, physical representation of her presence (besides of course the ridiculously huge belly) and a reminder of how soon she'll be here with us just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Okay, enough of that. I did also want to say how ridiculously lucky she is (and we are) to have such wonderful, generous friends and family around to welcome her. I had two (TWO?!?) baby showers and after all was said and done and the presents were piled up in her (as yet unfinished) nursery, I was shocked at how much there really was. Holy smokes! She's already spoiled!

I took pictures to document her enormous pile of loot and decided to share them with you. In addition, since I am being a bit of a Scrooge about holding on on nursery pics until it's finished, it's a bit of a sneak peak of the nursery before it's quite done . . . .

This is the first pile of stuff that we stacked/hid in the corner next to the crib. The scary part is how tall it is (it comes up to my torso) and that it's filled tetris-style with TONS of baby stuff. It includes her hamper, Diaper Champ, infant swing, bedding, Bebepod, gym, diaper bag, walker/playcenter, Boppy, crib soother, and a box full of clothes and linens (bibs, socks, onesies, outfits, crib sheets, etc)!!

This is another random pile of her outfits (that we didn't have enough hangers for), more linens, blankets, nursing covers, diapers, bath tub and bathing products. You can even see a few of the many stuffed animals she's received that we have arranged on her bookshelves, for now.

And, finally, this is her mess of a closet. It has her Pack and Play and high chair (still in the boxes), the new light kit for her fan, the toddler rail for her bed, WD-40 to get the stupid, ugly warning stickers off her nursery furniture without ruining it (GRRR . . I could strangle whoever thought those were a good idea!!), the shadowboxes that need to be painted and hung on the wall and more of her clothes that need to have their tags removed and be washed.

Looking around the room, I think of two things. First, I realize how lucky we are to have such wonderful friends and family. And, second, I see how much still needs to be done!?! Eek! I feel like a total slacker!

The good news is that it's mostly a bunch of really quick mini-projects. Wash clothes and linens, organize the closet, hang a couple more things on the wall and open up a few boxes. There is a bunch of stuff that she won't be using for a while that we can store in the closet until we need it (high chair, walker, etc). So, hopefully this weekend we will be officially finished with her nursery! I'm so excited and will feel so relieved when it's done. And, of course, I'll be sure to update once it's ready!

Guest Bath: After

2010-11-30T19:49:00.005-05:00

So today is the last day of NaBloPoMo (thank GOD!) and it seemed appropriate to finish it with another ending. I'm beyond thrilled to announce that the renovation of our guest bathroom is finally finished!! The last day of the reno was yesterday while I was at work. It was fun to know that I would come home to see the mess cleaned up and my finished bathroom!

So I thought I'd share pics of how it came out. I spent some of my time this afternoon (between my nap and doctors appointment and fixing dinner) trying to put the bathroom back together but there are a couple things that still need doing. Because I was so slammed yesterday at work (and consequently have only slept 3 hours in the last 36 hours) I'm exhausted and could only manage a perfunctory effort. So please excuse the bare walls and wrinkled shower curtain that has been crumpled up in a box with the rest of the stuff from that bathroom.

Eventually I'll manage to wash linens, hang decorations and finish up that bath but for now I'm so very happy with how it turned out. It's so much more my taste and actually feels like it belongs with the rest of the house. My decorations before for my guest bath had always been browns and tans and blues. I loved this color palette for a bathroom because it feels so relaxing and spa-like. I don't think that came through before because the ugly green tile was so loud it drowned everything else out. But with the modern vanity and fixtures plus the brown and blue accents, I think it looks wonderful! And, I'm not really sure why, but it also feel so much bigger!

Here is a reminder of where we started. Ew.

And now a tour of the new bathroom. Starting from right to left, this is what you see to your right after walking through the bathroom door, the new vanity, counter-top, mirror, light fixture, etc.

Because we were unable to go wall-to-wall with the new vanity we now have a space between it and the wall. I was worried it would look awkward but I actually really like it. It makes the room look less closed in and give us a place to tuck the unsightly trash can!

New toilet, towel rack, TP holder, wrinkled shower curtain, etc. Very exciting.

And our newly re-tiled and re-plumbed shower with new hardware. Love it!

As much as this whole process sucked, I know that it was SO worth doing it now and I'm really glad we decided to go ahead with it. Also, during this process Brad decided he wanted one more thing done. He loved the crown molding in the bathroom so much that he wanted to add it to the nursery and the master bedroom. That's the bad news. . . more mess, more men in the house, more money and more construction zone. The good news is that all of that is on a MUCH smaller scale. The guys will be back on Thursday to put up the crown molding in both rooms and said it should only take about half a day and the cost will be pretty minimal. So, no big deal.

In other exciting news, our nursery furniture has arrived and Brad's dad and brother are coming over Saturday to assemble it. (I don't think Brad really needs help but his mom liked the idea of it being a bonding thing. Cute!) So before long the nursery will be complete also! So exciting!

Slammed

2010-11-29T19:22:00.003-05:00

O. M. G.

I was planning on posting a 32 week update today. (I'm 32 weeks and 3 days as of today.) I took pics and everything. But I am so ridiculously slammed at work today, I have no time to do anything. Not even eat. Not even sit. It's ridiculous. It's been like this since before the holiday but it got really bad for my shift on Thanksgiving. I've been b!tching/venting to my poor husband and I know he's sick of it but we really need more help.

Anyhoo, this is the first free second I've had all day, so I'm posting about how busy I am so that I don't have to sit and write a real post. I'll try to post an update (as in a real update) tomorrow if I'm not passed out all day after such an intense 25 hour shift.

Wish me luck that I survive until tomorrow morning. And (more importantly) that I actually manage to make it through my dinner without getting paged to the unit or called to a delivery.

Off to eat now!

Christmas Decorations!!

2010-11-28T20:16:00.000-05:00

As I've said before, I'm a fan of seasonal decorations, so it should come as no surprise that a pretty steadfast tradition of mine is that Christmas decorations go up the weekend after Thanksgiving. Not before that and definitely not afterward! It's something I look forward to every year as the holidays approach.

We play our favorite Christmas tunes all over the house on our sounds system and go to work making our house feel merry and bright! Brad and I have our jobs that we've kind of fallen into over the years. He puts up the tree (pre-strung, thank-you-very-much, I hate stringing lights) and I put up all the household decorations (dining room table centerpiece, seasonal kitchen towels, candy bowls, and other chachkies that ~~I can only handle in my way~~ only grace our home for Christmas). By the time I'm done with that, Brad is done with the tree and it's time to trim it with our ornaments!!

This is by far my favorite part!!! My mom started another tradition with me from my very first Christmas where I get a new ornament for the tree every year. By now, I've built up a pretty good stock. Brad never did this with his family but as soon as we moved in together and had our first Christmas tree together, I started getting him an ornament each year for Christmas. I love unwrapping each year's ornament and remembering when I got it, what it signified and why it was special. Here are a few of my favorites:

This is the Christmas ornament I gave Brad this year. He is a Starbucks NUT. He loves coffee in general but really drools over Starbucks. I thought this ornament was adorable and very fitting.

This ornament is from a Hallmark series called "Puppy Love." Every year they come out with a different puppy breed doing something cute and Christmas-y. My mom started getting these for me because I've always loved dogs. The series started in 1991 and I have every one of them!

Here is another "Puppy Love" ornament. Neither of these are this year's but I think they are both super cute!

This is one of the first ornaments I got for Brad. If you can't read it, it says "3Basic Food Groups" and underneath is a platter with wine, cheese and chocolate. If you know Brad, you get why this is very appropriate.

These are little porcelain ballet slippers. My grandparents got them for me when I was 9 years old. On the bottom of each slipper my name is painted in silver along with the year I received them. These are so special to me and one of my favorite childhood ornaments.

This ornament is from our first Christmas after we were married. My mom actually gave this to us and on the silver the phrase "First Christmas Together" is engraved and the little red heart in the middle says "2006," which is the year we were married.

This ornament marks another milestone. I found this the year we bought our house. We were so in love with this house and so proud of the purchase. It's in the shape of a key with a little doorway on it and it says "New Home 2008."

And, finally, this is my very first ornament. It is a teddy bear holding a block that says "Baby's First Christmas 1982." It's plastic and old (as old as me!) but it's so special. And it makes me think of the ornament we will be getting our little girl for her first Christmas next year.

Hope everyone is enjoying the start of the holiday season as much as I am! Do you have any plans to get your decorations up? Or are they already up? Do you have any particular favorites you'd like to share?

High School Reunion: 10 years?!?

2010-11-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

So tonight is my 10-year high school reunion It's very surreal. In some ways I feel a million miles away from high school. I have graduate degree, a career, a husband, I own a home and we're starting our family. I've gone through so much since I graduated; death of a parent, all the drama of college years, marriage, graduations (3), multiple moves, buying my first (and second) homes, my first jobs in my career. . . Its hard to believe all that stuff could fit into 10 years.

But in other ways it's really hard to believe it's been a whole TEN YEARS?!?! (Well, really 10 1/2, since I graduated high school in May 2000.) My best friend is still the same one I had in high school, my high school boyfriend is now my husband and father of my child and a few years ago I moved back to my hometown and I now live within 20 minutes of my old high school and childhood home. So, in some ways, not a lot has changed.

I'm really looking forward to meeting up with everyone and catching up! It's pretty weird that I'll be pregnant at my high school reunion but fun too! It's at a lounge downtown and I'm sure people will be partying pretty late into the night. At the rate I've been going lately it will be WAY past my bedtime so I hope I don't turn into a pumpkin, or worse . . . fall asleep! ;-)

Wish me luck that I make a good impression and don't embarrass myself too much!

Baby Shower Update!

2010-11-26T20:40:00.002-05:00

So my baby shower was this past weekend and it was very surreal to realize how far I'd come in this pregnancy. I loved my shower. Great food. Great friends. Great family. I really loved every minute of it.

I know traditionally the person who is being "showered" stays out of the planning. But my best friend (Kristen) and I are both foodies, planners and hostesses to the core so the idea that I wouldn't be involved at all was pretty far-fetched. (And I'm sure that my girl Kristen will be just as involved in her own shower . . . which we've already started planning even though she's not pregnant . . . YET!!)

So we put our heads together and came up with the concept, the decorations, favors, MENU (the food is my favorite part of any party) and games. Kris kept a few surprises under wraps and definitely bore the brunt of the prepping and planning but I appreciate her keeping me in the loop because I really enjoyed being involved in the design and planning. Anyway, I wanted to share a few pics from the shower:

We had the shower in the clubhouse of my mom's complex (YAY for not sticking someone with the cleaning!) This is one of the first tables you saw when you walked in. In the back, lined up, are the prizes for the winners of the shower games. And in front were the favors that each guest received. And the "centerpiece" was the cupcake tower, which I requested rather than a cake.

Yummy cupcake tower. Chocolate cupcakes and peanut butter frosting, another special request from me because, really, who can get enough of the chocolate/peanut butter combo? Oh, and that's a strawberry whopper on top to add a touch of pink! ;-)

And these might have been my favorite thing at the shower. My best friend is an amazing artist and she created these blocks as "topper" for the cupcake tower. They are the baby's initials and I think they are so cute and unique and seriously love everything about them!

She made the initials in script and block letters and filled the rest of the sides with images of things that start with that letter. For "P" there was a purse, pacifier, pig and penguin. For "K" there was lips for kiss, a kite, kangaroo and kitten. Adorable!

This is where the thank you card envelopes were placed. Guests were asked to fill in their own address (YAY for less work for me!) and then an envelope was drawn at the end of the shower and that guest received a prize.

This was the next table guests saw as they entered the clubhouse.

An adorable basket Kristen filled for me that was also used in one of the shower games . . . as a decoy! Guests were told to pay attention to me as I walked around the room showing them the basket. Then I walked out of the room and they were asked questions about me! What was I wearing? How far along was I? How was my hair fixed? I thought this was a fun trick to play on them! ;-)

Another shower game. The very popular shower game where you can't say "baby!"

This was the guest book. Since I love little written notes, I thought it would be nice if guests jotted down a few words that I could cut out and put in a scrapbook with some ultrasound pictures, a baby shower invitation, pictures from the shower, etc.

And here are the favors! We had a few of these set up around the room kind of acting as decoration and "centerpieces."

Because I'm a huge foodie I wanted to make something people could eat/drink. So I decided on a jarred favor and since the shower was in November, I settled on hot cocoa. I designed, printed and made the tags for the favors. On one side was a "thank you" with the baby's name and due date and on the other side were instructions for how to make the cocoa.

Again, to add a splash of pink, I had an idea to make this "strawberry hot cocoa". We layered homemade cocoa mix (Alton Brown's recipe, YUM!) with Nestle Strawberry Quik and added mini-marshmallows at the top. So it really tied in well with the pink/brown/white color scheme.

And, finally, the most important part, THE FOOD! And the people, of course! From left to right, that's Jan, my mother-in-law, Kristen (best friend/shower host) and Kristen's step-mom, Donna. And next to them is all the yummy food. Kris and I had a blast designing the menu for the shower and couldn't wait to dig into the all the yummy treats we made!

And here is the menu that Kristen created that listed all the yummy food.

And one of the prettiest and yummiest treats there was this fruit bruschetta. To. Die. For!! Although the pink punch that Kris made was also amazing. It was white-cranberry juice, Diet Cherry 7-up and scoops of floating raspberry sherbet. It was fizzy and so good and even turned out this gorgeous shimmery pink color. I wish I had a pic of it!

As you can see, there wasn't really a "theme." Just coordinating colors and patterns. We tried to tie in pink/brown/white color scheme with geometric shapes (mostly stripes, squares and polka dots) in subtle, cute ways where we could without going overboard. Kris used the brown and pink polka dot ribbon we found to accent all the table cards and menus and jars around the room. And I added it to some chocolate brown cardstock to create a "placemat" of sorts for our hot cocoa favor centerpieces.

Another thing we tried to incorporate was the baby's name, especially her initials. Since we haven't decided if/when we will share her name on a public blog, I have (so far) decided to hide her name in the pics. But I did decide to show her initials so that we could share all the cute details of the shower. In case you didn't notice in the pics, they will be KAP. We used her name/initials on the favor tags, wooden blocks, and menu. Kristen also sliced up some puff pastry and decorated the top of the baked brie with "KP." How cute! It was really fun seeing her name everywhere and hearing everyone calling her by name at the shower. It made it seem so real!

~Layne

PS: Strange but true: I'm actually having another shower in a couple of weeks on December 4th. My mother-in-law and her good friends insisted on throwing me a separate shower. I don't get it but who am I to refuse?!? This little girl is already getting spoiled!

Thankful

2010-11-25T14:42:00.002-05:00

I'm in Jacksonville with my husband working this Thanksgiving but I'm still super thankful for so many wonderful things in my life:

* For my friends and family, who have known and loved and supported Brad and I for years.

* For my mom and grandmother who I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with yesterday. I love them so much.

* For Raina who, despite the barking, freak-outs and all her eccentricities, is still one of the smartest, sweetest, most cuddly dogs ever. She'll be such a good big sister!

* For Brad who, despite his crummy sense of direction and uncanny ability to drive me crazy on occasion, is still the most wonderful person I know. He has been an amazing husband and I can't wait to see him hold our daughter and be the amazing dad that I know he can't wait to be.

* And for my little girl who, after only existing for 7 months, has already made her Daddy and I fall so hard in love with her and changed our hearts, our marriage and and our lives for the better. I love you so much, pumpkin, and I can't wait to meet you face to face!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Happy (early) Thanksgiving!!

2010-11-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

Today Brad and I are spending the day with my family and we'll be making our small, potluck Thanksgiving lunch. I'm excited about cooking a fun meal and looking forward to spending some quality time with my mom and grandmother. And, in an exciting new development . . . . afterward, "Grandma" (my mom) will take "the kid" (Raina, the dog) and watch her while Brad and I head off to Jacksonville for a weird (but fun) 36 hours of work/Thanksgiving activities.

The plan: Right about the time she suggested our Thanksgiving plans, my mom offered to watch Raina so that Brad and I could take off to Jacksonville a little early. We'd stay in a hotel the first night and Brad would be able to take me to work the next morning and relax and hang out in the hotel during the day and then visit me that night for another "Thanksgiving dinner" and drive home with me the next day. It may sound strange but why not? It makes my life a lot easier and gives Brad something to do on Thanksgiving when he's other wise be sitting home alone!

I am actually really looking forward to today and my strange adventure in Jacksonville with my husband. I will get to have (another) nice dinner out with Brad the night before I work and then we'll go back to our comfy hotel (much more comfy I'm sure than our construction zone of a house) and relax for the night. And it will be so nice to get up at 6:45 am for work (instead of 5am) and have a 15 minute drive to work (instead of 2 hours) and to have my husband visit me at work for Thanksgiving "dinner" at the hospital cafeteria (YUM?) and even get to show him around the place I've worked for nearly a year that he's never actually laid eyes on! Maybe I'm a dork but this little arrangement is really going to make working on Thanksgiving a lot more fun. If I have to work on a holiday how nice is it that I can get a visit from the hubs?

And the best part? At the end of my shift, Brad will pick me up from work and DRIVE ME HOME! And if I'm beat? I can go to sleep on the way!! No worries that I'll be up all night working my tail off and have to drive 2 hours home after a rough shift! Whoopee!!!

So I'll be cooking and driving and just generally be all over the place today. Before that I wanted to wish everyone a very happy (early) Thanksgiving!

Bath Update #2

2010-11-23T20:45:00.006-05:00

Ok, so the madness is calming down. (Thank the Lord!) And the bathroom is really coming along. There were a few more snags, so we ended up having to exchange the vanity and the vanity top we had for a different size (no biggie, they have them in stock) and pick out another light fixture. We finished all that up today and even though I was pretty disappointed about the having to get a new light fixture (it was one of my favorite things we had picked for the room), I actually think the new one we picked on the fly looks great in the space.

The worst news so far is that we won't be done for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was our (perhaps unrealistic) goal to be done by then but since we are hosting an early Thanksgiving tomorrow, we couldn't have the guys working any longer. The good news is that we have a toilet for guests (yay for the return of two functioning bathrooms!!) and the vast majority of the work is done. The ugly tile is gone, the drywall is hung and painted, we have new crown molding and new shower and floor tile. Also, the new toilet and light fixture have been installed. The crew is returning Monday to put in the vanity and counter-top, hang the mirror and install the fixtures (toilet paper holder, towel bar, etc).

I can see the finish line!! Woo hoo!! Until then, here are some updated pics of the progress for your viewing pleasure:

Entrance view (hard to see everything since the door is back on the hinges).

New shower and tile with new faucet/showerhead fixtures and new paint and crown molding.

Opposite corner of the bathroom (on the other side of the toilet).

This is where the vanity is going. And you can see the new (last minute) light fixture.

New floor tile. I love that it's the large 18x18 tiles!

That's it for now! Just one more day of work left and we'll have a finished bathroom. Can't wait!!

~Layne

Thanksgiving Hosting Duties

2010-11-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

So, as I've previously mentioned, I am scheduled to work on Thanksgiving. It's kind of a bummer, I know. But that's life when you work at a hospital. The good news is that my last day of work before maternity leave is December 23rd! So I'm off the hook for Christmas and New Year's this year!! Woo Hoo!

Anyway, Brad's family (mom, dad, brother and brother's girlfriend) is actually going out of town to visit family in Louisianna this year. So the only option for us for Thanksgiving is my family, who likes to procrastinate when it comes to holidays. Ever since I found out that I was working this Thanksgiving I've been asking my mom about what our family's plans are. Usually we eat at my aunt's house but again, they like to procrastinate and I wasn't getting any info. A little over a week ago my mom called and wanted to talk about Thanksgiving. I thought she had heard about some plans for the family but she hadn't. Instead she suggested we have our own Thanksgiving Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving with just Brad and I and my mom and my grandmother.

At first, I was worried that I was being volunteered to host and cook everything a week before the big day. But my mom went on to say that it could be very low-key and we could all split the cooking. The more I thought about it the better it sounded! I asked if she minded if I hosted so that I wouldn't have to make the 1 hour commute to their house the day before I work a 24-hour shift 2 hours away. And if we could have it early in the day so that I could cook and host and clean and still be done early enough to rest and go to bed at a reasonable hour. She said that's exactly what she was thinking. Then I asked if I could plan the menu and assignments and go pretty low-key on the spread (knowing that my grandmother likes to go overboard with the cooking). Again, she agreed! So I planned a simple but yummy menu with everyone making things that they did really well but were also pretty easy. Here's what I came up with:

Dinner:

Herb Roasted Whole Chicken (me)
Green Bean Casserole (me)
Honey Yeast Dinner Rolls (me)
Fresh Sauteed Corn (my grandmother)
Mashed Potatoes (my grandmother)
Salad (my mom)

Dessert:

Blackberry Cobbler (me)

Chocolate Pound Cake (my grandmother)

I was trying to think of an alternative to a huge turkey since we are only serving 4 people and Brad suggested my roast chicken. (Not surprising since he loves it!) It's really easy and only takes a hour in the oven but tastes and looks amazing with golden brown, crispy skin and really moist meat. The green bean casserole is again a favorite of Brad's that was originally his family's recipe. Of course, over the years I've tweaked it to make it my own. It's the only green bean casserole I've ever seen that doesn't use canned soup (which I'm not a fan of) and I think that's what makes it so good. Now we can't have a holiday meal without it.

The honey yeast rolls are a phenomenal recipe that I got off a wonderful blog. Last year, I got the baking bug and started experimenting with quick breads, then no-knead yeast breads and finally traditional yeast rolls/breads. I tried these last, fearing that they'd be too hard for me. While they do require patience and planning ahead, they are easy and amazing. So soft, so sweet. . . seriously the perfect dinner roll. My grandmother and mom are in charge of the rest of the sides. Since they are traveling I wanted to go easy on them. My grandmother makes amazing fresh corn, right off the cob, really tender and sweet. (I personally think good corn is one of the best sides ever. Maybe it's a southern thing?) So I asked if she'd bring that. And we are rounding out the meal with mashed potatoes and a salad. Simple but yummy.

And for dessert, I had my heart set on making a recipe I'd be eying forever. First you have to know that I absolutely love fruit desserts; cobblers, crisps, gallettes, pies, buckles, all of them! But Brad isn't a fan. But since my mom and grandmother like them I could finally have the perfect opportunity to make a recipe I've been wanted to try for ages! Meanwhile, I can't leave Brad high and dry in the dessert department (the boy really loves his sweets!) So I'm having my grandmother bring over some of her famous pound cake. She makes it in virtually every flavor imaginable but Brad's favorite is her chocolate version with chocolate icing. She almost always has one around so I bet she won't even have to bake one fresh!

So that's my plan for Thanksgiving lunch. I'm actually really excited because I love cooking and I don't get to host and prepare meals for people (other than Brad) very often. I actually hosted Thanksgiving last year at our house with my parents and Brad's parents and prepared the majority of the food, with each family bringing one side dish. I absolutely LOVED it! This year is a little more crazy so I'm not sure that I would be up for all that but this is great! It's the perfect compromise between preparing a few favorite recipes for the holiday and going overboard at the last minute and burying myself in holiday hosting.

So those are my Thanksgiving plans! What are yours?

Stop the madness!

2010-11-21T12:29:00.004-05:00

So, I've had my house destroyed and turned upside down and inside out this week with this stupid bath remodel. No one likes their house to be a construction zone but for some reason it's getting to me even more than I thought it would. I keep telling myself it's going to look great but in the meantime me and my OCD/Type A/Neat-freak nature are going crazy. I've been off work for several days and scheduled this job so that it would happen while I was home so that I could open my house for the guys and be there if they needed anything. Unfortunately, that also means I've been completely immersed in the madness without much opportunity for escape. Not to mention all the other stuff I have going on while they guys are here and after they leave (baby shower planning, doctors appointments, wokring on the nursery, etc) and I'm running from sun-up to sun-down. My nerves are totally fried

I have men tracking through my house with dirty shoes, drywall dust settling on every surface that exists within the walls of my house, plastic tarp taped down through out the house that just seems to catch the dirt so that we can spread it everywhere, my dog is going bananas all day long and the noise is deafening!!! And every day when they leave, I have to clean up after them so my house is livable again that night, cook dinner, run any errands and help Brad with the nursery once he gets home. (Why, oh why, are we doing two home projects at the same time?!?)

I've had 5 days off from work and, today being my first day back at work, I'm almost looking forward to it. Somehow after this week, being in an ICU all day with screaming babies and cranky doctors seems almost calm and relaxing. Hmmm . . . ?

OH! And did I mention it's taking longer than they expected? In large part, due to some unforeseen complications with the plumbing and a vanity top that won't arrive until next week. . . . Meanwhile, Sunday (today) was supposed to be the last day of the job and now they are talking about needing to be here on Wednesday!?!? Uh, hello?!? I'm having Thanksgiving at my house on Wednesday (because I work on Thanksgiving day). And while I'm really not happy with not having my guest bath back by then, I could live with that part. What I can't live with a construction crew stomping through my house during the Thanksgiving festivities.

Ugh. Can I sit down and cry now? I just want my calm, peaceful house back! I feel like I'm developing a tick. And this is apparently the rambling, kvetching, annoying person who I turn into when I can't seem to regain some semblance of calm and control. Please pardon the crazy!

For your enjoyment, here are some photos of the madness:

Guest Bath (Before)

No more tile!

New Shower Tile

We moved an outlet, very exciting!

The mess in the hall. Yuck.

This is actually after they've left and "cleaned up" their stuff. I can see the bathroom coming along and so far I'm really happy with it, I'm just ready to have my house (and my sanity) back now!

Ok, rant over.

~Layne

Baby Shower!

2010-11-20T12:21:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that today is my baby shower! Me?!? I'm gonna be a mom?!? And in less than 2 months?!?! Holy cow!! I'm so excited but also very perplexed that this day has come so soon. I remember the first 2 weeks we knew we were pregnant and no one else knew. It was so exciting but it seemed that every day just dragged. And then we announced it to our families over my birthday dinner (since we knew everyone would be together), and it was a little easier from then on but the rest of the first trimester and few weeks of the second also just seemed to go so sloooow.

All of a sudden I hit the middle of my second trimester and things started picking up and before I knew it I was in my third trimester and now I'm over 31 weeks along and having my baby shower! How crazy/awesome/scary/fun/exciting is that??

I'm so excited for the shower since so much love and thought and planning has gone into it by so many people. And I know I'll have fun and love seeing everyone. I also worked hard (with my best friend who's hosting) to plan this shower and put it together so I can't wait to see the finished product.

This will be short post since it's a busy (exciting/fun) day. I'll be sure to post an update and pics of the festivities!

Happy Saturday everyone!

Christmas Cards from Shutterfly!!

2010-11-19T14:51:00.007-05:00

I love Christmas cards! They are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. They didn't used to be but a few years back (the first Christmas after Brad and I were married) I decided to make my first holiday photocard and use one of our wedding photos in it. I loved our wedding pictures and finding another way to show them off sounded awesome! They were a huge hit and from then on, I got bit by the bug and we've done holiday photocards ever since.

Photocards have always been my favorite kind of Christmas card to get and I love displaying them on the fridge or mantel or entertainment center. I love seeing everyone in the pictures, especially the young'uns as they get bigger, and the cards themselves just seem to be so much prettier than store-bought. There are so many relatives who live far away and who we never get to see and the more I thought about it, I really liked a holiday tradition that involved a specially designed photocard with a recent picture of our family that was sent to all our loved ones for Christmas. So that's what we've been doing for the last 4 Christmas's and this year would be no different!

Then I got a very pleasant surprise!!! I read in another blog about a promotion that Shutterfly is running. If you blog about your Shutterfly Christmas cards, then you get 50 Christmas cards for free! WHOOPEE!! I was super excited about this for two reasons. First, we JUST had pictures taken for this year's Christmas cards and I was itching to get to my favorite part of the process, the designing/printing stage! So this could not have come around at a more perfect time! And, second, I have used Shutterfly in the past and really like working with them!

I love designing stuff on Shutterfly. Mostly because, while I do not have an artistic bone in my body, ever since my days as editor on my high school newspaper I have really enjoyed graphic design and editing. And Shutterfly gives me lots of creative ways to do TONS of things with my favorite pictures. In fact, remember how I said that I loved our wedding pictures so much?

Well, at the time we could not afford to buy wedding albums or professional pictures of the wedding for our parents. But I knew they would love to have an album of their own of the big event. So after I got the images of our wedding photos back from the photographer, I used Photoshop and Shutterfly to create special "parent albums" for each of them from our wedding day! They both loved them!! And I loved that Shutterfly gave me the creative freedom to design my own album and upload MY designs into their photobooks. You get complete creative control! Or, if you aren't the artsy type, they have loads of great templates you can use.

And the best part is it's super cheap and they always have a bunch of deals going! For instance, right now you get free shipping for spending over $30 (which is easily 2-3 Christmas present worth of stuff) and 20-30% off of almost all of their products. You can find 200 personalized, printed Christmas cards with photos for less than $1 per card and another 600 designer cards that are around $1.50 per card!! Meanwhile you can also spend $3-4 per card (or more) in Hallmark for the mass-produced Christmas cards. No thanks!

I've already started narrowing down my favorites from Shutterfly's Christmas and holiday cards and here are a few of the top contenders for this year's card, all appealing to me for different reasons:

I love how sharp and modern and fun this one is!

Still fun but a bit more traditional.

How cute is this one for our baby girl's "first" Christmas?!?

Because I can't just pick ONE photo!

And while I was perusing their site for Christmas cards I saw some adorable birth announcements! (As if I already can't wait for January, here's another reason I'm itching for time to fly by just a little faster!!) Here are some of my favs:

Beautiful and classic!

Fun, funky and so true!

Just gorgeous!

After I get my pics uploaded I'll start designing and hopefully I'll have my Christmas card in a couple of weeks! I'll make sure you show you the finished product when all is said and done! YAY! I love the holidays!!

~Layne

PS: This is available to any blogger no matter how big or small your blog is! So if you are looking for a deal on adorable holiday photocards, check it out:

Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… sign up: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

National Prematurity Awareness Day

2010-11-18T09:03:00.002-05:00

So, as many of you know, I work in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) as a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. And, yet, somehow I missed this very important day. National Prematurity Awareness Month is November and November 17th is actually National Prematurity Awareness Day. November 17th was yesterday. Oops!

Ironically I blogged about a particularly hard day that I had at work a couple of weeks ago the day before National Prematurity Awareness Day. And on that day, I was actually working. And having another hard day. (The short story: I lost one very tiny baby right after a difficult delivery in the middle of my shift and at the end of my shift I admitted another slightly-less-tiny-but-still-incredibly-small baby who was actually doing pretty well, but born to a diabetic mom with lots of complications. Yikes. I felt really good about how well the second baby was doing as I was leaving work but it's always a hard day when you can't save a patient.)

I have TOO. MANY. OF. THESE. STORIES! Life and death stories. Sad stories. Stories about great parents who did everything right but still lose a child. I'm so sick of it. Some days this job is heartbreaking and seems so fruitless. But most days I love it. I'm helping. I'm making that baby's start in life just a bit better or, on a great day, a LOT better. I'm giving them every chance. And I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

There is a blog that I've been follow for over a year that I think really exemplifies all the ups and downs and wonderful and horrible things about what the parents of my patients experience in the NICU. It's called Three Cheers for Babies. This mom originally had a cooking blog and was also trying to get pregnant with her husband. After fertility treatments, they conceived TRIPLETS!! Can you imagine? Two girls and one boy. They were over the moon. Unfortunately, these triplets delivered 15 weeks early. Charlie and Lily had a bit of a rough time but Annaleigh was actually progress along with her respiratory support and her feedings nicely. And even though parents aren't allowed to have favorites, as a reader of this blog and someone who works in the NICU, Annaleigh was my favorite. Such a little rock star!

And then she got the disease I hate most in the NICU, Necrotizing Enterocolitis. NEC is undiscriminating. It can take a sick baby and make him a thousand times more critically ill. But it can also take a baby like Annaleigh, who is doing wonderfully and kill her in a few days. And that is just what happened to this beautiful family. Many times, especially in the babies who are doing so well, we don't catch it until it's too late. I. Hate. This. Disease.

Charlie and Lily had a rough (but fairly typical for 25 weekers) ride for the rest of their stay in the NICU. But, Thank God, today, they are happy healthy toddlers, just over 1 year old. Their mom and dad wrote a wonderful post on their blog yesterday about National Prematurity Awareness Day and, if you are at all interested, you should definitely check it out!

Diabetes isn't the only passion of mine and I couldn't let this day go by without talking about it, especially after so many of us in the DOC are moms, moms-to-be or are trying to conceive. For every expecting mom out there, but especially for all of you T1 moms and moms-to-be, I just can't emphasize enough how important prenatal care is. For your baby and for you. It's free through several government programs and available to ANY pregnant lady. So many of you already know this, but I just have to say it because good prenatal care is where it all starts. If you want to learn more about prematurity or how you can get involved or even to get tips on how to best protect you and your unborn child against premature birth, birth defects and many other things even including tips on caring for your normal, healthy newborn, please visit the March of Dimes website.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-17T12:42:00.002-05:00

I just realized since my post about the bathroom remodel that I have NO house pictures posted on here. I thought for sure I did but I looked and looked and can't find any. So when I say that my hideous bathroom has nothing in common with the look and feel of the rest of my house, you have no idea what I mean!

So I decided to post a quick tour for Wordless Wednesday. Enjoy!

The outside. Usually there is a Gator flag up but I must have taken this NOT during college football season. :-)

Our front porch/courtyard, the view from the front door.

Living Room. Right next to our front door. The window faces our courtyard.

More Living Room.

Raina, in "her" spot.

Dining Room, right off the living room, which is behind me in this shot.

More Dining Room.

Kitchen, off the dining room. (You can see it through the doorway.)

More Kitchen. The "den' is behind me in this shot, don't know why I never got a pic of it?

Back porch and patio (and Brad's beloved grill).

Master Bedroom. There is more decoration in there now but this was taken shortly after we'd moved in.

Our (messy) office.

Guest Bath. (YUCK!)

And, finally! The guest bedroom! It was blue when we moved in and it went perfectly with my guest bedroom bedding that we already had. THIS room will be the nursery! And if we'd had a boy the base color would have been perfect! (It was a little boy's room for the family who lived here before us.) But it's just as fun to start from scratch!!

Sad Update

2010-11-16T08:21:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I posted about a hard day I had at work. Well, unfortunately, that day was followed a while ago by a hard night.

Again, I can't go into too many details because of the privacy laws but the baby I spoke about in that post passed away. He had been doing pretty well for such a little preemie. But all of a sudden he took a turn and got sick very quickly (as preemies can do). He had been a relatively normal preemie and, within 36 hours, had died. It was a "super-night" at work that night (meaning I was by myself with just the attending, taking care of the practitioner team of babies and the resident's team of babies in the NICU) and it was very busy. This baby ended up being placed on the resident team and when the resident's were giving me check-out before they left, I was told that they didn't expect him to make it through the night. The family was having trouble making it in to visit and they were hoping I could try my best to keep him alive until morning so that certain family members could come in a say goodbye.

Talk about a busy, taxing, emotional night. He was a very sick little man. We did a lot for him and he just wasn't responding. His little body just couldn't win the battle that it was fighting. (I don't want to go into his specific diagnoses, again, for privacy reasons.) I was able to keep him alive during the night, though. I never heard if the family was able to make it in time to say goodbye but he died shortly after I left the next morning.

This little boy was only 5 days "older" than my little girl. Yet, he was born early and didn't make it and she is still safe and healthy and growing inside me, thank God. I don't know why this happens to some babies and not others. The field of neonatology is pretty young there is a lot that we just don't know. We don't really know definitively why some babies come early. And why some of those babies do well and others don't. We have theories, ideas, partial explanations . . . but not a whole lot of it is concrete.

That's so scary for me as the care-giver for these little ones and as a mom-to-be. Sure, we know that the more prenatal care a mother receives the better her and the baby fare, on average. We also know that healthy moms do better than moms with pre-existing conditions, on average. But there are some women who do everything right and have no risk factors and still, the worst happens. Why? It's just so scary.

I'm so grateful for the time I've had with my little girl. For the time she has had to grow up healthy inside me. For the fact that, despite my diabetes, she is doing great. Every day that I'm at work I pray that she stays put just a little longer. I pray for her to be healthy. I pray for a safe delivery for both of us.

So many babies are born healthy and full-term to moms who have had a safe, complication-free delivery. I know this happens. But I don't see it. That's not why I'm there. I'm there for the sick moms. And for the small babies. And for the deliveries that are high-risk, whether they are term or preterm. I just keep reminding myself, healthy moms deliver healthy babies every day all over the world. And I tell myself to stop worrying.

But it's still hard.

Thick and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

2010-11-15T11:52:00.001-05:00

Maybe this is cheating but I don't care. I have a cooking blog called Hold the Tomatoes that is mostly deserted but, still, it does exist. I started it because I love to cook. I love to bake. I love experimenting in the kitchen and making something yummy that other people love to eat. But as much as I really do cook in real life, I can't seem to keep up with the posting on this other blog.

Anyway, I made these chocolate chip cookies for the first time ages ago and absolutely fell in love. Brad and I swoon over these every time I make them and this has become my go-to recipe for chocolate chip cookies. I've been meaning to post them on my cooking blog but I've been a slacker. So I'm using NaBloPoMo to get my butt in gear. I posted them on my cooking blog and thought I'd share them over here too!

So here are some pics and the recipe. And, if you're interested, here's the full post.

Thick and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies
(Recipe from Baking Illustrated, page 434)

2 cups plus 2 tablespoons (10 5/8 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted and cooled until warm
1 cup packed (7 ounces) light or dark brown sugar
1/2 cup (3 1/2 ounces) granulated sugar
1 large egg plus 1 egg yolk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2-1 cups semisweet chocolate chips

1. Adjust the oven racks to the upper- and lower-middle positions and heat the oven to 325 degrees. Line 2 large baking sheets with parchment paper or spray them with nonstick cooking spray.

2. Whisk the flour, baking soda, and salt together in a medium bowl; set aside. Either by hand or with an electric mixer, mix the butter and sugars until thoroughly blended. Beat in the egg, yolk, and vanilla until combined. Add the dry ingredients and beat at low speed just until combined. Stir in the chips to taste.

3. Roll a scant 1/4 cup of the dough into a ball. (This batch should make about 18 large cookies.) Place the formed dough balls on the prepared baking sheets, spacing them 2 1/2 inches apart.

4. Bake until the cookies are light golden grown and the outer edges start to harden yet the centers are still soft and puffy, 15 to 18 minutes, rotating the baking sheets front to back and top to bottom halfway through the baking time. Cool the cookies on the sheets. Remove the cooled cookies from the baking sheets with a metal spatula.

World Diabetes Day

2010-11-14T10:46:00.004-05:00

In case you haven't noticed, November is a very diabetes-heavy month. There is D-Blog Day on November 9th, World Diabetes Day and the Big Blue Test on November 14th and November is also American Diabetes Month. Which works out for everyone in the diabetes online community (DOC) who wants to also participate in NaBloPoMo since it gives us a lot of "free" posts!

I say this every year on World Diabetes Day, but I think it's so funny that it's the anniversary of the day that I found the DOC. I started my blog in January 2008 as a New Year's resolution type thing. I had just graduated and was working in the NICU as a nurse. I was looking for my first job as a nurse practitioner and planning to move back home to central Florida. Brad had already found a job there and was staying there with his parents most of the week. I had been working part-time during school and since I was busy job-hunting, studying for my boards and trying to sell our house, I didn't see any reason to go back to full-time right away.

Well, that left me with a lot of time on my hands to contemplate this huge change that Brad and I were about to experience. New town, new place, new jobs, new careers. I was lonely and missing Brad and had a lot on my mind. So I decided to start a blog to catch all those thoughts. After 11 months of blogging (mostly kvetching), I decided to Google "diabetes blogs." I had noticed that there seemed to be all sorts of blogs devoted to all sorts of topics out there and thought it would be interesting if I could find a few young-adult bloggers who had Type 1 diabetes, like me!

As it turns out, I was Googling "diabetes blogs" on November 14th, World Diabetes Day! How crazy is that?!? And not only did I find a few blogs, I found hundreds of voices. They were saying the things that I have been saying for years, running into the same emotional issues, dealing with the "diabetes police" that I didn't even know had a name and having the same quirky thoughts and funny stories as me. I was so excited and even though I had never blogged about my diabetes before up to that point, I sat down and blogged about it the same day!

Since then, I've continued to blog about my diabetes, my job(s), my dog, my career, struggles, frustrations, ups and downs, buying our first hom e, and getting pregnant with our first child, etc. I don't blog every day (except during NaBloPoMo!) but I do blog to get my thoughts out and to chronicle Brad and my life together. I love this blog. I love that I can see where we came from and how we got here and all my thoughts along the way. It's been so rewarding even if nobody reads it but me. I've found lots of other bloggers out there blogging about diabetes, pregnancy, cooking, lifestyles, etc and it's a HUGE community. But the DOC will always have a special place in my heart. The people I've met (both online and in real life) are real, genuine, wonderful people and are the quickest to support each other when it's needed. I'm so glad to be a (small) part of this community and I love that this day, of all days, is the anniversary of the day I joined.

In other news this is the first weekend in 6 weeks (!?!?) that I haven't had to either work, host guests or be out of town. I am also trying desperately to get over the last vestiges of this stupid cold. So I have big plans. My big plans include "supervising" all the little tasks Brad will be doing to finish up the nursery before the shower (after which he will be in "furniture-building-mode"), laying on the couch and catching up on my DVR'd shows, hanging out with my husband and my dog and maybe some friends, and (maybe) if we feel very ambitious, we'll even get dressed and go out someplace for a meal. Who knows? In other words, I'm taking it easy. I hope everyone out there in the DOC and all my other bloggie friends have a wonderful, relaxing weekend!

~Layne

Guest Bath: Before

2010-11-13T10:52:00.001-05:00

So as much as I love my house, I have always hated the guest bath. Unfortunately, since it's bigger than the master bath, we are in there a lot. And I'm sure this will only get worse once the baby comes. Re-doing this bathroom has been on our "Project List" for the house since we moved in almost 2 years ago. But because we use it so much and it would be a huge hassle if it weren't available to use (not to mention the expense), we've been putting it off.

No more!

With the little girl coming, it just felt like we really needed to get this done. As Brad put it, it will never be easier to get this done than before she's here. Afterward, it will only be harder!

What do we hate about it? Well, the most obvious thing, the biggest eyesore, is the ugly green tile that lines the walls. It wraps around the entire bathroom and even extends into the tub/shower. It even has matching green porcelain fixtures (towel bar and toilet paper holder) built into the wall with it. (YUCK!) We've had people tell us it's not that bad and that we could use it to our advantage if we wanted to go with a beach theme, tropical theme, etc. For some reason, I just can't get past it. I hate it and I don't want to work with it. Plus, none of the decor in my house goes with it. It. Must. Go.

The second biggest eyesore is the vanity. It's white and the trim inside the doors are painted the same green as the tile. (Ew.) It's probably original to the house and it shows. I love drawers in a bathroom so I'm not constantly stooping to dig for my brush, hairdryer, curling iron, etc. This vanity has one drawer and it's too shallow to fit anything so I still have to store all my stuff in the cabinet under the sink. Blech. Not a fan.

So, as crazy as this may sound, we are tackling this project head on in the next week. We have a family friend who renovated my mom's entire rental property for her over the summer and did a great job. He's giving us a great deal and can be in and out in under a week. (He's even thinking it'll be more like 4 days!!) We are demo-ing the entire bathroom and getting a new vanity, toilet, floor and walls. And our walls will actually be normal drywall!! The only thing we are keeping is the tub but even it will have a new tile surround, faucet and showerhead.

I'm so glad this project is getting done soon but I'm a little nervous. I feel a little nuts for tackling this project now of all times at 31 weeks pregnant, working full time, preparing for Thanksgiving and my baby shower(s) at the same time. Bad timing on our part, huh? Oh well, I'm just glad in a couple weeks it'll be done and I'll have a pretty new bathroom! YAY!! No worries, I'll be sure to update when it's finished!!

~Layne

Unpredictable

2010-11-12T13:19:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, Kerri was asked if she could change just one thing about living with diabetes, what would it be? She struggled to answer the question and then turned around and put it back out into the DOC blogosphere. For me, the answer was pretty easy. The one thing I would change is the unpredictability about diabetes. I wish that diabetes was like what every other disease seems like (to me anyway): if you do your part and are compliant, then you can reign in the beast.

Um, no.

Instead you can count your carbs, test your sugar, bolus, etc until the cows come home and be the most compliant patient on the planet and some days diabetes will still run through your day like a wrecking ball and completely screw up your blood sugars . . . for no explainable reason. (Does it sound like I've had one of those days recently? Hmmmm?)

Most days, it's not the shots, the testing, the pump, etc that drives me crazy. If it was just a simple equation of "Do A and then B will happen" diabetes wouldn't be so hard. I feel like most folks think diabetes is all about the needles. Finger pokes are so scary. Insulin pumps are so scary. Shots are SO scary. By now I'm used to all that. I could care less about the needles. Even the annoying stuff like the constant testing and pumping and carb counting. Not fun, but it's old hat by now. If that's all diabetes was, I really feel like it would be manageable, especially psychologically manageable!

But it's when I do all that junk and I STILL can't get my sugars to behave. Then it just makes me want to sit down and cry. Because, yeah, all that stuff? It does suck. But when it works, it's really not too bad! A quick test before a meal, count my carbs and a perfect blood sugar follows? Not too shabby! But when it doesn't work . . .when I look at labels and test 15 times a day and have to troubleshoot every little thing (Is my insulin bad? Or is it my site? Or did I count my carbs wrong? Ugh! WHAT is it?) because my numbers just. Won't. Behave! Then it just seems like the burden gets so much heavier.

Is it just me? What would you all change about diabetes if you could change just one thing?

~Layne

29 week update!

2010-11-11T09:49:00.000-05:00

YAY!! I'm so happy to be here!! Earlier on in the pregnancy it felt like time was standing still, so to be 3/4 of the way done is super exciting! I'm starting to let more and more of the worry go and just enjoy being pregnant.

So, technically today I am 29 weeks and 6 days. Thanks to the cold that didn't quit, this has turned into an almost-30 week update. But the pics and the ultrasound images were taken at 29 weeks so I'm sticking with it. ;-)

As far as news goes, nothing too exciting to report. Which, as far as I'm concerned is good news. I went to 3 doctors appointments in 2 days this week. (Not. Fun.) My perinatologist is happy with how I'm doing and how the baby is growing. She's a little over 3 pounds (!?!?!) and right at the 47th percentile for weight. My OB and perinatologist have confirmed that, starting at 30 weeks I have to get weekly NST's (or non-stress tests) to monitor the baby and those will ramp up to twice weekly starting at 34 weeks.

This is a pretty easy test (just lay back while they use fetal monitors to look at the baby's baseline heart-rate and accelerations, usually they don't last more than 30 minutes) but it's a bummer how many more appointments I'll be having. Plus, these tests are not part of the pregnancy package that my OB offers, so I'll be paying for them separately. Luckily they are still covered by insurance so I think my portion will only be about $20 per test. (Still, at 20 bucks a pop, that's a total of 12 NSTs if I deliver at 38 weeks. So $240? Plus my pregnancy package, plus hospital fees, plus Endo visits and perinatology visits. This little girl is already proving to be high-maintenance! ;-)

Besides my OB and perinatologist, I also saw my Endo this week. My A1C is still 5.3 (yay!) but my blood sugars from testing and wearing my CGM for a week show that I'm spiking too high after meals (170s-180s) and going scary low (30s-40s) throughout the night. So we made some tweaks, I'm emailing the nurse practitioner with my sugars weekly and I'll go back for more labs and another office visit in a month.

Meanwhile, I'm growing like crazy! Even though, according to my OB, I've only gained 10 pounds up to this point. I'm starting to get a little more uncomfortable (mostly in the breathing department) and the battle with my upper respiratory infection didn't help that much. Otherwise I'm still feeling really good. The little girl is using my uterus as her own personal bounce house, much to my and Brad's delight, because it's just a reminder that she's doing great in there! On to belly pics!

Here is a reminder of me at 25 weeks . .

And here I am at 29 weeks! Sorry about the light, it's another night-time shot. The thing that I noticed the most about this picture is how kinda pointy my belly is starting to get. Weird, huh?

And here are some ultrasound pics from the 29 week ultrasound. She is head down and hopefully will stay that way until delivery. But because of this and how big she's getting it's harder and harder to get a good shot of her face. Here is the best 2D pic we got of her profile.

And, just for fun, here's a (pretty distorted) footprint.

This is the best 3D shot they could get of her face. It's still pretty distorted since one side of her face is pressing against the uterine and she's got her arm in front of the other side of her face. (Can you see her elbow sticking out in front of her?) But that's our girl! Look at her chubby cheeks! :-D

So that's where we are at 29 (almost 30) weeks. I can't believe how soon she'll be here. Only about 8 more weeks to go!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-10T09:10:00.001-05:00

I just realized that I promised pics of our outdoor Halloween decorations and never delivered! Last week, I was just about to bug Brad to get off his butt and take them down when I remembered! Whew! So I tried to go out and snap a few pics of our decorations to share with you. The sun was quickly setting as I was snapping away so forgive the blurriness and weird exposures. Enjoy!

Each year, we keep adding a little more to our outdoor decorations collection (much to Brad's dismay since he hates hanging them up). And this year we had some great ideas. (A hanging skeleton on the porch! Ghosts strung up in the tree next to the drive was! A big, icky spider in the web above the garage!). But since we got such a late start (Ahem! Please see: Brad likes to procrastinate!) it seems like everywhere was either sold out of the decorations we wanted or just didn't have them. It was slim pickin's this year.

So we bought a string of spider lights for the porch and that's it. The rest was stuff we already had. But next year we WILL be on the ball. I'm bound and determined (especially for the baby girl's FIRST Halloween) to have the "cool" house on the street, the ones where kids are excited to come and trick or treat!

D-Blog Day

2010-11-09T12:03:00.003-05:00

D-blog Day was started on November 9th 2005 during Diabetes Awareness Month, to help unite diabetes bloggers and create awareness about diabetes. I first participated last year. This year’s topic is "6 things you want people to know about diabetes."

But it could also be called "6 things that drive you bananas about people who don't have diabetes."

Or "They just don't friggin' get it."

Or "If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd have enough money to cure diabetes already."

Or "DAMMIT! Stop saying that to me!"

Okay, I guess that's enough. As I am so subtly trying to point out, everyone who has diabetes has to deal with the stereotypes, ignorance, untruths, etc that come right along with it. Diabetes is something that is talked a lot about in this country and I think that the average person probably thinks they are pretty well-informed about the subject. Unfortunately, the vast majority of what is out there are myths, old truths, untruths, half-truths or misconstructions. A lot of what that people think they know about diabetes either comes from truths about Type 2 diabetes (NOT Type 1, which is much less common than Type 2) or is old information about how diabetes used to be treated and managed (and when I say "old," think 1980's).

I think that because the majority of the population feel that they are armed with correct and complete knowledge about diabetes, they feel justified or obliged to ask you why you are doing something or tell you what you should be doing. Hmmm, rude? And yet it's hard to blame these folks because 1) I'm sure they think they are helping and 2) they've been fed these same lines over and over by the mass media so why shouldn't they believe that this information is accurate and thorough?

So, on to the 6 things I'd like people to know about diabetes:

Having diabetes is not the patient's fault. Are there some types of diabetes that could have been prevented? Sure. Is everyone's diabetes that way? No! Either way, is it our responsibility to judge? No! Diabetes sucks enough as it is.
Diabetes, nowadays, is not a life sentence without sweets. In the ol' days, diabetes used to mean not touching anything with sugar in it (cake, soda, candy, even fruit!) Today we know that anything with carbs in it will affect blood sugar levels in the same way. A piece of bread with 20 carbs in it will affect my blood sugar the same as a piece of pie with 20 carbs. Maybe one will act faster or slower but, in essence, it's the same. Nowadays, diabetes management is about analyzing the food that you take in and taking insulin for it. Diabetics are now their own pancreas. It's hard work but it affords us the freedom to be able to make choices about what we eat. Should we always make bad choices and justify it with extra insulin? NO! But should you really be eating pie for breakfast? I rest my case.
We all know there are complications, you don't need to tell us about your aunt/brother/cousin/grandma's issues. Every diabetic out there has been lectured ad nauseum about the risks you take when you don't control your diabetes as much as possible. Do some choose not to listen? Sure. But for the rest of us, telling us about people you know with diabetes who've had horrible things happen to them just brings us down. We're trying out best to control the beast and be optimistic at the same time, so please don't pee in our Fruit Loops by reminding us about the bad stuff. People who have cancer know that there is a chance they could die but what crazy, insensitive, jerk goes around reminding them of that? Sheesh!
There is a big psychological component to diabetes. Diabetes sucks both physically and mentally. It's a disease that follows us around every second of every day. With every action (exercise, eating, illness, etc), people with diabetes must sit and try to calculate how it will affect their blood sugars. And it gets exhausting. Add to that the pressure of maintaining good control during a pregnancy or trying to prevent complications later in life and it can feel like a lead weight on your shoulders. The guilt of a bad blood sugar, the fear of complications, etc, etc . . can do a number on any diabetic's head.
There is no easy answer. Taking care of your diabetes isn't like brushing your teeth. How would you feel if you brushed your teeth 6 times a day, flossed and rinsed and still had 3 cavities at your next dentist appointment? Sometimes, that's how diabetes is. You can do everything right and still not predict what your blood sugar will do. Will the physical activity of exercise make my blood sugar go down? Or will the stress of the heat and physical activity make it go up? The path isn't always cut and dry. Another reason why diabetes can mess with your head. Please understand that one bad blood sugar doesn't mean a diabetic is being irresponsible or doesn't know what they are doing. It just means that their diabetes is doing what diabetes does.
This is the biggest reason that I want people to know that insulin is not a cure. It doesn't fix diabetes it just puts a band-aid on it. No human being can ever be as good as a working pancreas and, as a result, complications still happen. We need a cure and we deserve a cure!
Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes are totally different animals and function by totally different rules. Look it up! This is probably my biggest pet peeve right now. I really hate having the rules and traits of Type 2 diabetes thrown back at me by someone who thinks they know diabetes. No, if I eat right, exercise and lose weight my diabetes will NOT go away. And you know what? That's true for some Type 2's also! My body doesn't make insulin. That factory shut down when I was 8 and it ain't coming back! If I killed off all your kidney cells, you wouldn't make pee anymore. No matter how healthy, athletic or great your diet is. Same kinda thing! No, having an insulin pump does NOT mean that my diabetes is "really bad." No, a random blood sugar of 200 doesn't mean I suck at managing my diabetes. There are so many differences between the types of diabetes (Type 1, Type 2, Gestational, Monogenic, LADA, etc) so please don't assume that the rules of diabetes that you are aware of apply to every diabetic out there.

The moral of the story is that there's a lot that goes into controlling diabetes, it's a shame that more people aren't aware that it isn't all black and white. We all have good and bad days and we all deserve a break. As hard as it can be to face the ignorance, I really do my best to be patient with people and explain where their knowledge is missing. Some people really want to learn. And others don't and will still think they know more than you. I just try to walk away from those. In the meantime, I feel lucky to be part of such a big wonderful online community of folks who do get it.

PS: If you want to check out some other posts from DOC-ers on D-Blog Day, check out this link!

Finally

2010-11-08T21:41:00.002-05:00

Well, it finally happened. I have somehow warded off evil spirits for nearly two years. That's right, it's been since January 2009 that I have been sick. And don't think I haven't loved every minute of it while quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sure, there have been sniffles and sneezes (especially over the last several months, all pregnancy related). And even when I thought it would progress into a full-on headcold . . . nope! Still just pregnancy snuffles, no big whoop.

Until, that is, this weekend. After my 24-hour shift (well, 25-hour shift since it was over the time change!) on Sunday morning, I headed out the door and noticed that my throat was pretty scratchy and sore. But it had been a particular cold, dry couple of days in Florida. I just figured that my throat was dry because of the weather.

But it kept getting worse and worse and today I'm feeling like roadkill. In case it's not obvious, pregnancy + tonsillitis + upper respiratory infections don't equal a good time. Add to it not being able to take any meds for relief, not getting any sleep because you are so stuffy and uncomfortable and having to go to 2 doctor's appointments, the grocery store and pick up dry cleaning . . . well, lets just say today and I did battle and I lost.

I had a great post planned for today with a 29-week update, belly pics and all! I even have new ultrasound pics of the kiddo to scan in. But I just can't do it. My wonderful husband was sweet enough to pick up dinner on his way home and carve me out a fort on the couch. And that's where I am currently: poised on the couch, slumped over, with a box of tissues and a glass of tea within reach trying to get through Dancing with the Stars without falling asleep or hacking up a lung. I'm chugging out this post during the commercial breaks just to be able to say I posted something. NaBloPoMo be damned!

I'm hoping to take it easy(er) tomorrow and be able to actually get a real post out, scan a few pics and give you folks a real update. Until then, I'm praying for a good night's sleep and a clearer head in the morning.

Signing off,
~Layne

Pregnancy is funny

2010-11-07T14:26:00.000-05:00

. . . in an embarrassing kinda way. In the last couple weeks I have noticed a pretty big change in my belly and with it my mobility, agility and (to some extent) my sanity. Let me explain . . .

First, apparently, I'm a clutz. I can't seem to hold onto anything! At first I just thought it was a serious case of "butterfingers" but I actually read in one of my weekly pregnancy emails that a woman's grasp tends to weaken and she starts losing some of her hand-eye coordination about half-away (or more) through pregnancy. Well, holy cow?!? I felt a little better knowing that it wasn't just me being clumsy. On the other hand, though, it's also kinda like a cruel joke. Because you know what gets exponentially harder when you are later in your pregnancy? Well, let me tell you . . . it's bending over . . . as in, to pick things up off the floor. The things that you dropped on the floor!

And it really doesn't help that I look like a total moron while doing it. Again, let me explain. I have loooong lost the ability to bend at the waist and squatting isn't as fun as it used to be. My solution is a half-bend/half-squat where I actually bow my knees out to make room for the belly that tucks in between them on the way down. Trust me, it's about as graceful as it sounds and is (I'm sure) pretty amusing to view.

You can stop laughing now . . . .

I'll wait . . . .

A few of the other embarrassing things that I've had to enjoy over the last few weeks (as my belly gets bigger and bigger) are:

The noises I make everytime I change positions. It's mostly getting up but occassionally when my back is hurting I'll let out a nice groan as I sit down too. And it's especially obvious in the middle of the night when I'm changing sides. I keep wondering where the 80-year-old arthritic man is until I realize that it's me making those noises!
Speaking of the middle of the night . . . Since pregnant ladies aren't allowed to sleep on their backs and (for obvious reason) can't sleep on their bellies, we are relegated to 2 positions: right-side and left-side. But, ironically, I don't roll as well as I used to and it seems like it takes an act of Parliament to re-position from one side all the way to the other side in bed. Between the grunting and groaning and the moving of the pillow and then the (clumsy/bumpy) turning of my body and then fishing for my pump tubing and arranging it so I don't get tangled . . . it's quite the ordeal. And I'm sure my poor husband is jolted squarely awake each and every time this event takes place.
Lifting my legs up to cross them has gotten harder and harder. Not suprising since my center of gravity has changed so drastically and my abdominal muscles don't have the leverage they used to. No big deal, I don't really need to cross my legs. Well, I do need to wear shoes. And to wear some shoes I need to tie them. Oh! And I also need to wear socks. And it is only when I try to put on shoes and socks that I have realized how far away my feet have gotten from me. Most days I can muddle through. But there are days when my back is killing me or (worse) when my feet and legs are particularly swollen and stiff (mostly after my long, 24-hour shifts at work) when the idea of tying my shoes or putting on socks is just So. Not. Worth. It. I have actually become one of those people who grabs their pant leg in order to hoist their leg onto their lap. That's me!?!? I have even (to my own horror) made puppy-dog eyes at Brad and asked him (pathetically) to help me off or on with my shoes and socks. It's seriously pitiful.

Those are the biggies and I'll spare you the more gory, less tasteful delights of pregancy that really shouldn't see the light of a public blog. Most days I just can't help but giggle at myself. Sure, my back hurts and I'm stiff and sore most nights, I wake up once a night (minimum) to pee and go about every hour during the day, I'm wobbly and clumsy and awkward and there are some days my ankles are indistinguishable from my calves (luckily those are still few and far between).

But it's all so ridiculous I just can't help but laugh at myself. And then she kicks me and makes my belly jump and jiggle to remind me that it's all because of her and how worth it she really is. (She could also be kicking me to let me know that I'm squishing her and to stand up straight already! Either way, still worth it!)

~Layne

Diabetes Meme

2010-11-06T10:20:00.004-04:00

That's right, folks. It's Day 6 of NaBloPoMo and I'm already resorting to memes. Well, in all fairness, I am working today and I have had this meme bookmarked for a while for a "rainy day." I really liked that it was all about diabetes and for all the DOC'ers out there, it would kinda catch them up about me and my diabetes. I also don't want to be one of THOSE women who drones on and one about their baby and their pregnancy. (Who am I kidding? I already am! Oh well!) So I figured I'd use this meme to break up some of the pregnancy talk.

Enjoy!

What type of diabetes do you have: Type 1

When were you diagnosed: July 1991

What's your current blood sugar: It was 130 this morning before I ate my cereal. I know. . . that a crappy fasting blood sugar?!? Ugh.

What kind of meter do you use: One Touch Ping (which also functions as a remote control for my pump).

How many times a day do you test your blood sugar: Before the pregnancy, about 6-8 times/day. Now it's more like 10-12. YIKES! That's a lot of strips!!

What's a "high" number for you: Anything over 150 mg/dl really gets my goat. But while I'm pregnant I'd really like to stay under 130 mg/dl.

What's do you consider "low": Anything in the 50s or lower, for sure. If my blood-sugar is in the 60s and I'm symptomatic I'll treat it, I just try to be careful so I don't over-correct.

What's your favorite low blood sugar reaction treater: Most often? OJ or a juice box. But if you really want my favorite, recently it's been Halloween candy! ;-)

Describe your dream endo: Supportive, encouraging, realistic. I want someone who will push me to have the best control possible but understand that this thing has to work in my real life and sometimes getting post-prandial exactly 2 hours after a meal just doesn't happen. Or being the perfect carb counter. The best I can do is read labels and even still I wonder if they are accurate based on some of the crazy numbers I get. I don't want someone who will expect my blood sugars to look like someone's who doesn't have diabetes but I also don't want someone who is fine with "good enough" control and feels like complications in a diabetic are inevitable. I also want someone who will listen to my gripes and be understanding that there is a heavy psychological burden with this disease. Someone who cares as much about my mental health as my A1C.

I want the right balance of MD, cheerleader, counselor and therapist! ;-) Not too much to ask right? And, while my current MD isn't all that great, his nurse practitioner who I try to see as much as possible is beyond awesome. They only MAKE me see the MD once a year and I don't really feel the need to make it more frequent!

What's your biggest diabetes achievement: Ask me in January and hopefully I'll say a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery for myself and my baby girl!

What's your biggest diabetes-related fear: Complications. I want a long, normal, healthy life. Having to deal with diabetes for the rest of it doesn't sound stellar but I'll take that any day over blindness, renal failure, amputations, death! I have had diabetes for nearly 20 years and (thank God) I'm still complication-free. I wait and I worry at every doctor's appointment, expecting the other shoe to drop.

Somehow I feel like even the tiniest complication would make me a failure. And (even more scary) like it would be the beginning of the end. I know that's ridiculous. But it really, really scares me. That a spot on my eye or the tiniest amount of protein in my urine would mean that, oh well! There goes my body! Because if I'm already showing problems in my 20s, how could I ever expect to live a long, healthy life without everything else falling apart?

Who's on your support team: My husband, my mom, my friends, my daughter (or she will be!) Basically, everyone who loves me, wants me to be healthy and has actually gone to th trouble of trying to understand my diabetes. But I have to give credit to Brad for being the one who actually helps me shoulder the burden of diabetes, mentally and physically. He gets it and he really tries to do whatever he can to support me and make things a tiny bit easier.

Do you think there will be a cure in your lifetime: I really don't know. I used to think so but my hopes are slowly fading. . .

What is a "cure" to you: Well, it's not insulin, that's for sure! And it's definitely not transplantation, because those immune suppression meds are a whole other nightmare unto themselves. A cure is something that will allow me not to have to even THINK about my blood sugar. No meds, no blood sugar testing, no shots, no Endo appointments every 3-4 months.

To me a cure can't mean that I have to keep tabs on every little thing. I can't be the ex-diabetic who needs to test my blood sugars a couple times a week and monitor my A1Cs "just in case." In the end, I'm okay with a "cure" being something that we need to make sure works. (Like transplanting cloned islet cells that can't be killed off by my wacky immune system.) I'm okay testing for the first couple weeks and then maybe a yearly Endo appointment to just keep following me to make sure that those cells are still alive and kicking and cranking out insulin. But much more than that and I feel like it would be like trading one disease for another. Or even better, one form of treatment for another. It may be nice but it's not a cure.

The most annoying thing people say to you about your diabetes is: It depends on my mood and the day of the week. Right now, the thing that's driving me crazy is everybody's inability to distinguish between Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes. They are such different animals it almost seems erroneous to give them the same name!! And, by the way, since when in medicine do we give every disease that causes the same symptoms the same name? UGH! Grrr. . .

What is the most common misconception about diabetes: See above.

If you could say one thing to your pancreas, what would it be: What have you done for me lately?

Nursery Anticipation

2010-11-05T20:26:00.002-04:00

I'm so excited about our nursery. We have everything picked out. In fact, we picked out most of what we wanted for the nursery (bedding, furniture, paint colors, etc) within a couple weeks of finding out the sex of the baby!

And yet our guest bedroom (the future nursery) has not been touched. Not for lack of motivation, either! We (especially Brad) have been itching to dive into this particular project. Brad is so excited about the nursery and has been even before we were pregnant. It was his project. Of course, he expected me to be a big part of the decision-making but when it came time to do the work, he has always talked about how much he was going to enjoy putting the nursery together. Everything from painting to building the furniture to doing the all manly things that he can do in preparation for the baby. You know, while I grow her. ;-)

And I think that's mostly because in every way, it really is his thing. Not only is there not much else can he do during his stint of the pregnancy (except for make me comfortable and help out around the house, which he has been amazing at!) . . . but also this project is perfect for him! While I love decorating and putting a room together in my head, he actually has the patience required to do the job the right way. For example, whenever we've painted a room together, I take the rolling and he does the cutting in. Why? Because I need to feel productive and like I'm blowing through a task and he actually has the patience to sit and paint the tiny, detailed areas meticulously, all the while not spilling a drop and not getting frustrated. In this way (and because he has to deal with me day in and day out), my husband has the patience of Job.

Oh! And he's also much more artistic than me. I, for one, can't draw a stick man with a ruler and he can pretty much copy whatever he sees through painting, drawing, whatever! How lucky am I?!?

And for me this is great because it means that he is not only willing but eager to let me choose anything for the nursery (paint, furniture, projects, etc) and he'd happily be up for the task! Not to say that he isn't interested in being involved in the design part of the process. Instead it's just to say that because he's so artistic and patient, that inability or unwillingness on his part wouldn't be something that narrowed our options for what we could do with the room! Even things that I was sure he'd need help with, he would insist he could do on his own!! Woo hoo!

So why on Earth haven't we even started on the nursery? Ugh. Well, since it's our only guest room we've had some trouble letting go of it. We'd still really like a room for our guests. So we've been trying to think of a way to preserve our hosting abilities (combine the office and the guestroom, get a sleeper sofa, etc). And until we figured out how (or even if) we can do this, we couldn't very well start on the nursery. (Where would we put all the guest room stuff?) But I've definitely tried to do as much as possible without keeping it from being a guest room in the meantime. We cleaned out the closet in that room, threw out a bunch of unnecessary stuff, re-organized and re-shuffled and found a home for everything in there that was non-baby . . . except for the furniture.

So finally, about a month ago, we just decided to let it go. We don't have overnight guests often (maybe a couple of times a year) and it just wasn't practical to shove a bed into our office, a room we use every day of the year. In the end, it's our home and we have to be comfortable in it and make it work for us, not guests. We may get a sofabed in the future if it seems reasonable. But part of me doesn't even want to do that because I can't think of anyone who would visit who would rather sleep on a sofabed in our den rather than have their own hotel room. I guess we'll see.

BUT my brother and sister-in-law were visiting at the end of October and it seemed like a perfect final farewell to our guestroom. I mean, what a shame to convert the room into a nursery right before we knew they were visiting. So we held out a little longer.

And this is the first weekend that we've been FREE to officially start on the nursery. It seems like everyone I know who is pregnant (online and off) whether they are due about the same time as me or not as far along, has started on their nursery. I feel like such a slacker! Plus I'm so envious of all the adorable nursery pics I'm seeing. I just can't wait to get started. I helped Brad clear out the room today and Habitat for Humanity will be picking up all of the guest room furniture from that room. I'm working tomorrow but he'll be spackling nail holes, prepping and painting while I'm out of the house. (Have I mentioned that I think he's awesome?)

I can't wait to come home Sunday morning to a cleared out, cleaned up, PINK room! We are planning on waiting for our shower to see if we get any of our nursery furniture before we go out and buy it. Until then, we'll still have a little more painting to do over the base color and some shelves and decorations to hang. Eeeeek!! It's like she's actually coming!! :-D

~Layne

PS: Sorry for the convoluted ramble. Can you tell I tend to WAY over-think things?

Big Blue Test and a good cause

2010-11-04T18:53:00.002-04:00

So this has been all over the DOC like white on rice but it's a great cause and so easy to do, you really can't help but spread the word. For those of you who don't know, November is a big diabetes month. Not only is it National Diabetes Month, but November 14th is alsoWorld Diabetes Day (and the anniversary of me stumbling upon the DOC).

And finally, also on November 14th, is the Big Blue Test. This is the second year that people in the DOC and around the world have participated in the Big Blue Test in order to come together as a community and to raise awareness about diabetes. The idea is that on November 14th at 14:00 (or 2pm for all you non-military folks), people with diabetes around the world will test their blood sugar, do 14 minutes of exercise, test again and then share their results. And it's called the Big Blue Test because the blue circle is the international symbol for diabetes.

But this year the Big Blue Test got even bigger. Not only was a swanky promotional video created for the Big Blue Test website (which includes several of the most prominent members of the DOC). But also, in order to increase awareness and online views of the video, Roche (makers of Accu-Chek diabetes products) have sponsored the production of the video and will also donate $1 for each view the video recieves, up to $75,000. This is HUGE and the money will go toward two charities supported by the International Diabetes Federation, Insulin for Life and Life for a Child. I can't imagine being diagnosed with diabetes and NOT having access to insulin. But there are so many children around to world where this is their reality. These charities not only provide ongoing clinical care and diabetes education for children with diabetes around the world but also supplies these children with the insulin they need to stay alive!

Please click on this link and watch the video. I'm not sure how Roche is logging video views (if any view from any website counts or if you need to view the video from the host page). So rather than chance it, I'm not going to embed the video in this post. Instead, go to the source at the Big Blue Test, view the video and be counted. It's less than 2 minutes long and could help save the lives of thousands of children with diabetes.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-03T19:50:00.004-04:00

I'm completley unable to post a picture without giving any description. What can I say? Being succinct is just NOT in my nature.

So to explain: I didn't post any ultrasound pics from my last scan because we just didn't get any god/clear pictures of her with that scan. The tech saw all the body parts she needed to, was able to get all her measurements and re-confirmed that she's (still) a girl! But as far as face or body pics. . . nada. Our baby girl is very uncooperative during her scans! Oh well.

BUT the time before that, at my 21 week scan, not only did we get a few great shots but I also got video! It was the first ultrasound that Brad couldn't be there for and I hated that he was missing it. So I asked the tech if she could try her best to get a few great shots of the baby for him. Instead, she offered to record a DVD of the entire ultrasound!! It was $10 but SO worth it!!

The entire video is about 24 minutes long and in it they go through most of the baby's anatomy (which was cool for me but probably not anyone else) and they went especially in-depth with her heart scan (called an Echo), again super cool for me. I wanted to add this short clip from the beginning of the ultrasound where they were able to get a great shot of her profile and face. A few times you can even see her sucking and moving her mouth!! Toward the end, you'll also see the very beginning of her Echo.

Enjoy!

Baby Shower Invitations!

2010-11-02T16:16:00.001-04:00

I had actually planned to post this a couple of weeks ago but since I had an inkling I might be doing NaBloPoMo, I decided to save it for November. Yep, stockpiling blog posts. . . that's my plan to get through NaBloPoMo. :-)

Anyway, I'm so excited to finally share this with you! Albeit, this may be a silly thing to get excited about, but life's about the little things, ya' know? My best friend and mom have been working hard to plan my baby shower. It will be right before Thanksgiving and I'll be about 31 weeks along. Even though I completely trust them to plan an awesome shower, I just can't help but want to be involved. I'm really excited about it!

One of the things I was especially excited about was the invitations. I know a girl I used to work with who was AWESOME at anything crafty, especially scrapbooking and cards. (Hi Amber!) She even has her own blog and Etsy shop! Right before I left my last job, I saw some baby shower invitations that she designed for another friend and co-worker who was throwing a baby shower for her daughter-in-law and soon-to-be grandson. They were absolutely adorable.

A few months later, I found out I was pregnant! Once we started thinking about the baby shower, I immediately thought of Amber and the adorable baby shower invitations she had made. So I asked if she would consider designing mine. Because she is so sweet and easy to work with, she not only agreed but also came up with some amazing options for me based on the details I sent her about the baby shower. Since I'm not much of a "theme" person, I decided to just focus on colors and shapes for the shower. Specifically, we picked a pink and brown color scheme and, largely, we'll be using circles and polka dots in pink and brown and white as an accent. Here are some pictures that we saved that function as our make-shift inspiration board:

After sending her a few of these pictures, I ended up falling in love with one of the designs she came up with. And after some back and forth communication and a few tweaks, I had a batch of adorable invitations to send out for my shower! I can't even explain to you how happy I was with them! Even Brad commented on how nice the invitations were. (I believe "wow, these are nicer than our wedding invitations" were the exact words out of his mouth!) You can see for yourself what a great job she did!

Because I'm so happy with these invitations and her work (and because she is a seriously sweet human being), I wanted to share these with you and give out a hardy recommendation for her Etsy shop. The process went so smoothly and so quickly. She was great with communication and her designs are all beautiful, no matter what your taste or style is. I really can't recommend her enough. For all the other expectant moms out there, if you are looking for adorable handmade invitations that are really beautiful and impressive, please consider getting in touch with Amber via her Etsy shop.

In the meantime, we sent out our invitations a couple weeks ago and the RSVPs are starting to roll in. In some ways, it's hard to believe that it's MY baby shower?!?! (What? I'm having a baby girl? I'm going to be a mom?!? How crazy! How fun and exciting!) But mostly I'm just so happy and excited. I'm really enjoying helping with the planning and I'm even doing a couple projects for the shower. (I just can't help myself!) I'll update more once I finish a few more of the projects and (hopefully) post pics of the shower . . . if I can remember to bring my camera, actually take pictures and somehow manage to not look like a beached whale by the time the shower rolls around! ;-)

~Layne

NaBloPoMo?

2010-11-01T09:36:00.000-04:00

So, it's November which means NaBloPoMO is back. I participated last year and it was pretty difficult but at the end I really felt like I accomplished something. I definitely caught the blog bug and I think it made a pretty obvious change in my blogging habits. For me, it's easy to see a change in my blogging since last year and my posts have been less infrequent. (Is that a double negative?)

For those who don't already know, NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month. The real fanatics participate throughout the year but the biggie is Novemeber and that's when most bloggers will join in. The goal is to get bloggers to sit down and write something every day for the entire month of November. This not only helps reinvigorate and inspire those who blog because they like to write, but it also it does wonders to light a fire under bloggers (like me!) who have the tendency to lose the drive to blog. It gets us back in a groove and inspires us to make blogging a habit rather than a mostly-forgotten hobby. It's a nice reminder of how fulfilling blogging can be and how big a community we are really a part of.

Now, that's all well and good. But I wasn't too sure about participating this year. Which suprised me because after NaBloPoMo 2009, I thought this would definitely be something I would be doing every year. It was a fun challenge and as hard as it was at times, I really enjoyed blogging so often. BUT. . .

This year, my November is madness. I'll be 7 months pregnant, working full time, having my baby shower AND attending my 10-year high school reunion! Not to mention Thanksgiving and the fact that starting in November I'll be seeing my OB bi-weekly, my perinatologist weekly and my Endo every 3 weeks or so!! That's about 1-2 doctors appointments per week!! HOLY SMOKES!! That's a busy month! We are even considering remodeling our bathroom within the next couple of weeks before the baby comes. (Don't say it, I know we are nuts.) PLUS, in October I went to a week-long conference (super fun but SUPER exhausting) and had relatives in town visiting for two different weekends. All this stuff makes for a pretty exciting couple of months, but I'm seriously tired and when in the world am I going to fit in blogging?!?

So I just figured, nope! No NaBloPoMo for me this year.

Then I felt bad. I had given up without even trying. So I'm in . . . kinda. I'm going to do my best to post daily during the month of November. But I'm going easy on myself. As in, I'm telling myself that if I only have time for a pic or a few sentences and that's my whole post, then fine. (There will probably be lots of Wordless Wednesdays in November!) And if I miss a day, I will definitely keep on going but I won't beat myself up about it. In short, this won't be the mad race that it was last year.

So here goes nuthin' . . .

~Layne

Good news/bad news

2010-10-25T15:12:00.001-04:00

I had an appointment with my Endo last week (and with my OB and I saw my perinatologist the week before . . . Holy crap, these doctor's appointments are really starting to get to me!) Anyway, I found out that my last A1C was 5.3. I couldn't believe it!

The honeymoon period that was my first trimester and part of my second trimester had definitely worn off. I started seeing numbers in the 200's again (such a bummer) and I wasn't having nearly as many lows. I was sure that my A1C had gone up and I was worried. So, in some ways having a 5.3 A1C staring back at me felt like a small triumph.

But in other ways, I knew it was not. Even though I'm not having a lot of lows, I do still have them several times a week and some are very, very low. I also know that just because my A1C was 5.3 doesn't mean that those 200's didn't happen. They did. And they are still bad for me and the baby. I had to remind myself that A1Cs are an average. If you take the average of 20mg/dl and 200mg/dl, you'll get 110mg/dl. And that sounds like a good blood sugar, but the truth is those numbers aren't good. So, while I'm happy that I'm having more good days than bad days and that so far the baby and I seem to be doing really great, my most recent A1C just confirms that as far as my blood sugars go, I'm doing too much bouncing all over the place. I really need find the happy medium.

But, for me, this pregnancy has been the opposite of a happy medium! (Just diabetes-wise, on every other pregnancy front I really can't complain!) My first trimester my blood sugar was in the toilet constantly. It was all I could do to stay above 70mg/dl. Literally, my averages were in the 60s every day! And I was treating constantly to keep my blood sugar up! Before I got pregnant, my total daily doses (i.e. how much insulin I get everyday from my pump) ran around 70 units. (I have a feeling this is on the high side from what I've read on other diabetes blogs but I've always been pretty insulin resistant. My carb ratio is 1:5 for crying out loud! Anyway, this is what works to keep me in control.) Well, during my first trimester, I dialed my basals WAY back and my total daily dose dropped to around 50-55 units. That's almost 25% less insulin! And I was still low all the time!

Around 17 or 18 weeks along, I started noticing that I had a few blood sugars that were creeping up. I waited it out a couple of days to make sure I wasn't making changes too hastily and sure enough, it looked like the insulin resistance was starting to kick in in earnest. So I've been dialing up my basals ever since. Last week I even had to bump up my carb ratio because my insulin just isn't working as well to cover my meals. It sucks! I'm up to a total daily dose of around 90 units! Which means I'm changing out my site and cartridge every other day! I'm blowing through insulin and supplies and it really sucks. The one consolation is that I can tell my efforts are making a difference because after a couple of weeks of playing with my settings, my numbers have finally have settled down.

But they still aren't great. I'm having a way easier time hitting my post-prandial and fasting goals and I'm seeing WAY fewer numbers above the 100's. But the 200s are still there every now and then and so are the 30s and 40s. So my Endo and I have decided that I should wear the CGM for a couple weeks before my next appointment so that we can get a clear idea of what's going on with my trends and really tackle the highs and lows.

I think the most frustrating thing about this whole mess is that I have this irksome feeling that as soon as I get everything worked out, my pregnancy will throw another curve-ball at me and my numbers will get wacky again! I'm starting to feel like I'm chasing my tail. THIS is the time in my life when I want my control to be better than EVER, because it's not just for me it's also for my child! There's more pressure than ever. And, ironically, THIS is also the exact time when it's so hard to get good control because my hormones are throwing my blood sugars all over the place.

I think overall I am really happy with the way I've handled my diabetes during this pregnancy. And I'm ecstatic that my little girl is doing so well!! She's right on target in the 48th percentile in weight gain (50% is average and closer to 90% is too big and closer to 10% is too small), no heart problems, kidneys are working great, diaphragm is intact, she's just perfect in every way. (Okay, I may be biased.) My husband tells me constantly that he's so impressed with how well I'm taking care of myself and our child. It's a huge relief to me to know that he sees how hard I'm trying. I'm working so hard to stay on top of things and at the same time, trying NOT to beat myself up when things aren't perfect. But I'm almost 7 months into this and the constant state of vigilance and worry is starting to wear me out.

I don't really know what my point is or if I really have one. I guess I just needed to vent. Hopefully, happier and less-intense topics will be forth-coming. :-)

~Layne

Hard day at work

2010-10-10T16:26:00.005-04:00

So last night at work, at about 1 o'clock in the morning, I went to the delivery (and resuscitation) of a 26 week old baby. He was exactly 5 days farther along than my little girl. And he did not do well. And it was difficult.

I knew that it was bound to happen. As my pregnancy progressed toward the point where my baby was viable I knew that it was only time until I attended the delivery of or took care of a patient that was the same gestational age as my baby. And that just that in and of itself would be hard. It was.

We got him stabilized and we'll see where it goes from here. But it started how it always starts with extremely premature babies. It will be a few days before we know how his brain is affected from the delivery and resuscitation. It will be several hours before we know how/if his kidneys are working. He will be unable to "eat" for several days to weeks and until then we will deliver protein, fats, electrolyte and the rest of his nutrition via IV fluids. When he is fed, it will be through a feeding tube inserted in his mouth that goes to his stomach because he is too little to know how to eat by mouth (that will come later). And he already has several issues pretty typical of a baby delivered this early (extreme hypotension, respiratory distress requiring a ventilator, etc).

Like I said, this is all pretty typical of babies delivered at this gestational age. And they are all a waiting game to see 'just how bad" it will be. I hate to say it like that, but for these babies it seems to be that we expect the worst and hope for the best. Rather than be hopeful in the beginning and simply brace for the worst. We try to be realistic with parents but most can not take much in at this point. This usually has come as a huge shock and they are mourning the loss of their "normal, healthy" baby. Some are realistic, some are very anxious, some refuse to accept the truth of the reality that their premature baby has been born into. And they are all finding their way through a world they know nothing about.

Except me. I know. And I can't decide if that makes it less scary or infinitely more so.

Last night, I resuscitated this baby. I took him back to the NICU and placed umbilical lines into a very small umbilical cord with even smaller blood vessels. I prayed, for his sake, that they went in smoothly and were in proper position so that we had the access that this baby will so desperately need in the coming days and weeks. They did. (Score!) I looked at his xrays, wrote orders for medications, made changes to his IV fluids and followed his labs.

And the whole time I thought of my daughter. I willed her to stay put. To grow and get stronger. I want so desperately for things to go right for her. And it's not that all of the babies that I take care of don't deserve this. Unfortunately, some babies just don't get it. But how could I not want the best for my daughter? How could I do what I do every day and not wish and hope with all my heart that she doesn't have to be put through that? Isn't that what makes a parent? Wanting the best for your child?

So even though I knew last night would eventually come, it was still hard. It made me think thoughts I've been trying to suppress for a long time. It put my worst fears for my child right in front of my face. And this morning I couldn't wait to go home, with my child still healthy in my belly and get some sleep.

~Layne

Random Updates (plus 25 week belly pics)

2010-10-06T14:56:00.007-04:00

I love fall. Mostly because it signals the start of the holidays and I'm a holiday freak. I pretty much love any reason to decorate the house and get excited! I start with Halloween, then fade into Thanksgiving and then go ALL OUT for Christmas. It's seriously my favorite time of year, the holidays.

The other reason I love it is because I live in Florida. Florida, where summer doesn't mean light breezy days in the sunlight. Oh, no. Instead it means miserable oppressive heat (we're talking 95-105 degrees FARENHEIT!) and sticky, gross humidity for at least 5 months (May thru September), maybe more. But THIS year, the weather gods have been kind. It seems as though someone knew that it was October and no longer appropriate for the heat to be stifling. Instead for the last week or two I've been waking up to *gasp* 70 degree mornings, even a few 60-degree mornings!! And even during the peak of the day it hasn't really been much above the mid-80's. I even broke out some light sweaters! (Completely unnecessary but I'll take any excuse to sub-out the summer wardrobe for a bit since it's getting pretty tired.)

Anyway, I took the liberty of decorating the house on the early side this year, to my husband's horror. He thinks I'm a bit silly when it comes to the holiday decorating and festivities. BUT he also always goes on and on about how great the house looks (and feels) after I'm done with it. I even decorate with seasonal smells and I busted out the pumpkin candle and the "Autumn" scented wall-diffuser. YUM! I think mostly the reason he's not a fan is because he doesn't love his part of the job, which entails climbing up on a ladder in the garage to get the decorations down and then going back up on the ladder to hang them outside the house (I usually take care of the inside decorations myself). He even had to drill another hole in our concrete house (not an easy job!) for a new decoration I found. Since he really hates his part, he refused to do it before October. So this weekend we'll finally get our outdoor decorations up.

Here are a few pics of the indoor decorations, I'll post yard pics once everything is set up!

Our Halloween "Welcome" sign! ;-)

My favorite part of any holiday decorations, the dining room set-up. Still need place settings, though.

Since we don't have a fireplace, our entertainment center serves as our "mantel" and holds some holiday greetings and decorations!

Fall-themed kitchen towels, not very exciting.

My pumpkin candle that smells SOOOO yummy!

In other, random updates, I went to see the Ophthalmologist again for my second trimester eye exam. And I passed again with flying colors, well, normal retinal blood vessels anyway. Whew! My nurse also mentioned on my way out that she was also a Type 1. Wait?!? What?!? Of course I tried to fire up a conversation and ask her some questions but I didn't get too much out of her. I have a feeling she's one of those "my-diabetes-isn't-a-big-deal-and-I-don't-like-to-talk-about-it" types. Obviously so unlike those of us in the DOC who crave fellow diabetic company and conversation. Oh, well. I gave up (a little bummed) and moved on.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant today and so happy to be so far along! The swelling has started in earnest, but only in my feet and only after being on them all day. I hate the way it looks and it's not very comfortable but at least it always seems to go away with a night's rest with my feet propped up. Also, I got the go-ahead from my OB for foot massages from the hubby, so YAY! (FYI: certain places on the ankle and calf have been known to induce labor if stimulated so I felt the need to ask before we did it.) I'm tired off and on but not too bad. Other than that, just sore and achy, mostly in my lower back. Again, not too bad.

But she is moving like a MANIAC!! I love it! And you can even can see her kick and jump and squirm from the outside now! She even kicked the OB's Doppler as he was trying to listen to her heartbeat. At first she was just squirming and messing up his signal and then at the end she kicked it and made that whole side of my belly jump and poke out! The OB actually jumped a little and raised his eyebrows and said "I guess I'm done now!" She's so feisty, I love it!

And finally, here is a belly update:

Again, this is me from today at exactly 25 weeks. I promise I wear different outfits, I just decided to stick with this one for consistency and comparison's sake. Although I have found some cute maternity outfits so maybe I should post a few pics of those!

And this is what I see when I look down. Well, not really because I see more boobs, but you get the idea. And I still don't have problems seeing my toes, I just need to lean over just a tad. (To be honest, I had to do that before the pregnancy anyways, thanks to the boobage. Sorry, TMI.)

That's about it. Hope everyone has had a good week and is enjoying the change in seasons as much as I am!

~Layne

PS: Since it's finally cool enough (relatively speaking) for some good ol' fashioned comfort food, I posted a recipe for a really hearty spaghetti sauce. We had it earlier this week and it was awesome! But I don't know that any pasta qualifies as diabetes-friendly so I didn't consider it a D-Feast Friday recipe. The full post is here if you wanna take a peek.

Invisible Illness

2010-09-18T16:36:00.005-04:00

I saw this meme going around last year and never did it. It's a little unique and pays homage to the fact that it is National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. Mouthful, huh?

Invisible Illness Week is just about raising awareness for chronic illnesses that aren't outwardly apparent and creating a community of folks who "get it." Sounds like a good thing to me! As a diabetic, I look normal and (most of the time) I am normal. But, really, I'm not like everybody else. As a general rule, I like having control over who knows about my diabetes and what they know. But that doesn't mean that there aren't disadvantages to having a disease that no one can see.

I don't do meme's often but I think this one is interesting and asks questions that I either don't get asked often or that I have never even thought of the answer to. Enjoy!

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 diabetes. Or juvenile diabetes. Or "the 'betes." Whichever you prefer.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1991.

3. But I had symptoms since: I don't remember really well, but I want to say that I only had symptoms for a couple of months before I was diagnosed.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: everything! Diabetes affects every single aspect of your life. I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old so I don't remember much about NOT being diabetic. (Still not sure if that's a blessing or a curse.) But interestingly enough I definitely remember all the education I was given and how my family life changed. We started to have to weigh food, count food exchanges (can you say old-school?), learn to give shots, use glucometers, and develop a whole new routine. It was definitely a huge adjustment, not just for me, but for my whole family too.

5. Most people assume: That all diabetes is the same. It's NOT!! Type 1 and Type 2 are so different! Look it up!

6. The hardest part about mornings are: that I have to PEE like a maniac!! But that usually has more to do with the little one I'm hostin g than my diabetes. :-)

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Bones. Is that medical? Or just gory? Either way, great show.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my insulin pump? That's not really true because I really don't mind the old-fashioned injections. My blood sugar meter? Sure, I love being able to test and within 5 seconds have my blood sugars. But if I'm really being honest about what gadget I couldn't live without, it would have to be my DVR. ;-)

9. The hardest part about nights are: making sure that my blood sugar is just right before I go to sleep. I hate the idea that I could be heading up or down and not know it right as I'm going to bed. Because that's several hours of unmonitored blood sugars taking a toll on my baby and my body. But it's just so difficult to make sure you are hitting blood sugar nirvana right before you hit the sack.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. Right now I'm only taking prenatal vitamins (1 pill). But I have a feeling that's not what this question is driving at. As far as medications and care routines, I take insulin all day by using an insulin pump. I test my blood sugar 10-12 times a day and count carbohydrates to determine how much insulin to take.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: don't believe that they are practical for diabetics. Sure, eating right and exercise are great for everyone and will certainly improve your health and diabetes control. However, there is (currently) no cure for my diabetes and there is nothing I can do to stop taking insulin. No charms, no extracts or vitamins, and no snake oil.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible. Having a disease sucks any way you slice it but I suppose there are advantages to being able to control who knows what, when they know it and how much they know. (By the way, I don't really like the term "illness." It makes it sound like I'm sick and since I'm taking care of myself, I'm actually pretty healthy. I'll stick to "disease" if I have to call it anything.)

13. Regarding working and career: I don't really feel like my diabetes affects my work. I have a very demanding career and schedule but I think that I do as well with it as anyone else. Sure, there are times when I need to excuse myself to test or correct a low or high. But I really feel like someone with diabetes can do anything.

14. People would be surprised to know: that unlike most diabetics, I'm not a big fan of the CGM (continuous glucose monitor). As far as I'm concerned, they are uncomfortable, cumbersome, inaccurate and overall just a royal PITA.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that it doesn't feel new. It feels like something I've had forever and probably will continue to have forever. And forever can seem like a long time when you know that diabetes will be with you the whole way. Especially when some days I just want a break! But it sure beats the alternative. . . .

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: nothing, really. I know a lot of people diagnosed around the time I was grew up scared and always aware of their limits but I remember the people around me always telling me that I could do anything anyone else could do as long as I took care of myself. The scariest thing for me was always what could happen if I didn't control my blood sugars. In nursing school, I saw plenty examples of what uncontrolled diabetes could do to a body after decades. That's enough motivation to keep me on track! And being in good control makes me feel empowered, it makes me feel like I am the one controlling the disease and not the other way around.

17. The commercials about my illness: have nothing to do with me. They are usually targeting Type 2 diabetics. Plus, they make the stuff I go through every day seem like this huge deal. I remember when meters came out that used way less blood and all the commercials talked about was how you could avoid "painful finger-pricks" and test using your arm instead. Well, having had diabetes for 15 years at that point, I was pretty used to the finger-pricks and the idea of my being scared of them or "relieved" that I could use my arm instead seemed a little ridiculous.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: who knows? I can't even really remember not having diabetes. But I do remember about a year after I was diagnosed getting my first case of diabetes burnout. So I know that at some point I could remember a time in my life when diabetes wasn't clouding the picture and that it must have been a pretty sweet gig.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: my freedom. Sure, I can technically do whatever I want, but it sucks knowing that most things could be 1000x easier if I wasn't dragging this disease around with me. For example, trying on new clothes without having to wrangle a pump, eating Halloween candy without having to bust out a calculator and at the same time juggling my guilt, doing any kind of exercise without having to SWAG my basal rates into something that might keep me from going low, and traveling without having to pack a separate bag with back-up supplies (and back-ups for my back-ups) and then having to go through stupid airport security without my metal pancreas setting off any alarms. . . ya know, just to give a few examples!

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Well, I've had it almost my whole life (or at least the part I can remember) so I've picked up and dropped several hobbies over the years but that was mostly a function of growing up rather than having diabetes. But the one that stuck and was primarily related to diabetes is blogging!

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: eat whatever the hell I wanted (carbs be damned!) and not have to do the math in my head!!

22. My illness has taught me: that I am stronger and tougher than I ever thought I could be. . . and even on the days when I feel defeated I'm still probably tougher than most.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Just one thing? Here's a list of the most annoying things that the diabetes police come up with:

"Are you allowed to eat that?"
"My friend/co-worker/uncle/cousin had diabetes and lost an arm/died/didn't take care of themselves/went blind, etc."
"If you are on a pump, your diabetes must be really bad."
"Are you low?" or "Test your blood sugar!" (said by a friend/family member/::cough:: husband if I'm acting funny or even in a bad mood . . . which, by the way, I'm allowed to be without actually having an off blood sugar!)
"I don't know how you do that. I hate needles. I could never give myself a shot!"
"Aah! I hate needles/blood!" (said by someone nearby when I'm about to test my blood sugar or give myself a shot. Guess what? My syringes and I aren't exactly friends but I have to do this to live so, if you don't like it, pipe down and don't look!)

24. But I love it when people: ask me questions! And not just ask me questions but act like they believe me and are actually interested in learning something. So many people look at you like you're looney-tunes if you say that you can eat whatever you want as long as you count carbs and bolus. The media has hyped diabetes up to be this one-dimensional disease that when you try to tell people the truths and intricacies about it, so many continue to think they know more than you.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I don't really have one. I use the DOC, my family, my friends and my husband to help me get through the tough stuff. I will say that knowing what a big difference my tight control has made (no complications, a healthy pregnancy thus far, etc) also helps me get through the tough days knowing that I'm just taking one more step toward a long, healthy, happy life.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: that despite everything that you are taught there will be days when you do everything right and your blood sugars still don't behave. You will get mad (and if I'm honest, I believe you have a right to) but try to remember that it doesn't mean you failed, it just means diabetes sucks! (And I'd like to have someone remind me of this every now and then, too!)

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that most days it doesn't really feel like I'm "living with an illness." It just feels like life.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: take absolute and total care of me. When I was little, I remember my grandmother and grandfather taking care of me on days when I couldn't go to school. They held my hair while I barfed, let me sleep but woke me up when it was time to test my sugar again, tried to get me to eat something, stroked my hair as I laid my head on their laps, shared vigils with my mom in my hospital room so I would never be alone. And now, my husband is completely awesome when I don't feel well. From being an occasional gofer and grabbing my supplies, to drawing up the occasional injection, to looking up the carbs for me, he seems more than happy to help me carry this load.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I have diabetes? And I'm too lazy to write a "real" post? Not sure what you're looking for here.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like maybe you will take the time to re-post this meme with your own answers!

Belly and Baby Update: 21 weeks

2010-09-14T17:43:00.003-04:00

This week we went for a fetal Echocardiogram. It's basically an ultrasound of the baby's heart. They look at the structure and function of the heart and make sure that it's growing and developing like it should.

In IDM's (or medical speak for "infants of diabetic mothers"), there is an increased risk of congenital heart defects. This is definitely something I know a lot about from working in the NICU and have seen frequently. The most common congenital heart problem in IDMs isn't actually a defect but is congenital cardiomyopathy. It's where the muscles in the walls of the heart grow bigger than they should. And unlike most muscles, as the heart muscle gets bigger it stops functioning properly. Most IDMs grow out of this after birth and the biggest concern is that it doesn't cause the baby too many problems before he/she can grow out of it.

In a nutshell, this is what I've been most worried about during this pregnancy. Of course, I want her to grow appropriately (not get too big) prior to delivery and I want her blood sugars to be okay when she first comes out. But these issues are, for the most part, transient and won't create long-term issues in an infant. Congenital heart defects are horrible and don't let kids be kids. They require surgeries and ventilators and could in some cases be fatal. Even though IDMs have a greater risk of this happening to them, the overall risk is still pretty small, especially in mom's who are well-controlled. But, as a parent, I'm finding that no matter how small the risk, I still worry about my little girl.

So I'm relieved, happy . . well, ecstatic to report we had the Echo yesterday and her heart, just like the rest of her, is PERFECT!!! We also got another glimpse at her face and the tech was so awesome she even flipped on the 3D machine and let us get a peak at her face in 3D. She didn't cooperate much but it was still awesome!

Here are some pics from our ultrasound and an update on the belly:

This is an updated profile shot. It's so weird because I always hear moms gush about their kids ultrasounds and they just all look the same to me. But, seriously, I love her to death and everytime I see her I think that blurry, black and white, barely distinguishable image gets cuter and CUTER!

This is her being a little shy. The ultrasound tech grabbed the 3D wand and tried to get some 3D images of her face and she kept turning away (facing my spine) and putting her hands up over her face. But I still think it's precious!

And this is the only 3D shot we managed to get of her face. Not the greatest but still adorable!

Okay, this was the last belly image I shared at 15 weeks or so.

Here it is at 18 weeks. Not a great shot. It was night and for some reason I got a wild hair and grabbed my camera. The light was horrible but, oh well, you get the picture.

And here we are yesterday at 21 weeks and 3 days. Holy moly! I'm getting HUGE!

That's it for now. . . other than to say I'm loving every minute of this and can't wait to meet her this winter!

~Layne

JDRF: Advocacy or Abandonment?

2010-09-13T10:18:00.000-04:00

I read this guest post over at Kerri's blog today and it really got me fired up. I have so much to say on this topic. It's really bothered me for a while but I never really spoke out. Today that ends. I'm fired up, so it's on!

The post over on SUM is basically about how Type 1 diabetes is characterized as a child's disease. The face of the disease is a child's face. If you are a child with diabetes, for the most part, you are given pity, support, understanding, tolerance, etc. A slew of things that (for good or bad) seem to be reserved for children alone. Because as an adult with diabetes people seem to assume it's your fault. That you are too fat, eat too poorly or don't exercise enough and that if you took better care of yourself you probably wouldn't have diabetes anymore. For some (but not all) people with Type 2 diabetes this may be true. So as adults with Type 1 we are stuck in between two worlds that we don't fit into. And we are squarely unwelcome in both! We aren't cute, innocent, blameless children and we definitely aren't in the same boat with adult Type 2's. So where do we fit in?

The JDRF is supposed to be the organization that supports us. It's "the leading charitable funder and advocate of type 1 diabetes research worldwide," according to it's website. The "juvenile" in Juvenile Diabetes is really meant to describe the type (as in Type 1) not the fact that it's only for kids. Because guess what!?! I was diagnosed with "juvenile" diabetes when I was in elementary school. It's been almost 20 years and I'm no longer a child but I'm still diabetic! It's so frustrating to go from feeling like you had all this support as a kid but 20 years later no one cares anymore. And in some ways it's ironic because there are a whole slew of new issues to deal with as an adult (relationships, jobs, insurance, pregnancies, etc) that you still need support with and now. . . nothing!

Why did I become "unsupportable?" It's not like they never wanted me. I was a great sob story when I was 8 years old! But, for those of us lucky enough, we grew up! Which I would think is what all JDRF members and parents and advocates want! So why do they abandon us in their reach-out efforts? Do parents of children with Type 1 feel like we'll steal their kids' spotlight? Would they want the advocacy and reach-out efforts for their kid mercilessly dropped once they reach the age of 18?

I lied a little bit a few paragraphs ago. I said I never really spoke out about this issue but that's not entirely true. Last year, I posted about the guilt-trip letters I receive in the mail from the JDRF begging for money. The difference there was that I was just ranting angrily. I didn't really know why I was mad I just knew that I was! But the recent advocacy for adult Type 1's has made me realize what is needed for our community and why the letters, fundraising efforts and overall attitudes of those in the JDRF and the media and public in general make me crazy.

It's because they make me feel like I'm not worthy of a cure anymore. Or like I'm not worth supporting. Or advocating for. They make me feel like, now that I'm not a kid with a chronic illness anymore, my problems have gone away. But, in some ways, they are just starting as diabetics enter adulthood. I worry constantly about the financial strain that my disease would take on my family if I ever lost my insurance or if Brad or I ever lost our jobs. I worry about my unborn baby and the impact that every bloodsugar has on her health. There are all new considerations for adults with this disease and everyone of us with it (adults, kids, Type 1's, and Type 2's alike), we all deserve a cure. And we all deserve for the whole truth to be out there. At the very least, we deserve a realistic view of diabetes from our own advocacy group! And this is where JDRF has dropped the ball.

Those ridiculous letters that they send out begging. . . sorry, campaigning for money just turn me off. The are so overdramatic and sensational that I can't help but get annoyed. As a kid, I didn't really like them because I felt like they begged for people's pity. I didn't want anyone's pity, I just wanted a cure. As an adult, I feel like they isolate a huge part of the population who deals with this disease. Rather than focusing on diabetes as a disease that will follow us throughout our lives, it focuses on how sad it is that Tommy doesn't get to eat cake at his best friend's birthday party! Dude! That's the least of all of our worries!

This type of fundraising does nothing to raise awareness of the truths of diabetes. It has very little to do with me and my diabetes and what I go through on a day to day basis. It makes me feel like they are using the real kids with diabetes in the stories to gain sympathy and money and at the same time they are devaluing and dismissing the adults with Type 1 out there. And after reading them, I just get angry and disgusted and throw them away!

I feel like these letters have nothing to do with me and are trying to make me feel sorry for something that I experienced. Not only do I know what that kid went through (I was that kid!) but I know what every child with diabetes will go through. The JDRF, the media at large and the general public are not doing anyone any favors by only presenting half-truths. They aren't tugging on my heartstrings because I was the kid in those letters and never wanted the pity and sympathy that they are desperately trying to evoke. Plus, it's insulting and patronizing to send letters like that to ME, let alone to the general public!

I think Scott definitely has the right idea with his efforts to pull JDRF into the fold when it comes to raising awareness for and supporting adult issues with diabetes. I definitely will be following his efforts and giving all the support I can!

~Layne

Did I just? I think I did . .

2010-09-10T11:32:00.000-04:00

So, when I was exactly 16 weeks pregnant (August 6th) something strange and wonderful and exciting happened! Brad and I woke up early that day, thanks to my inability to sleep as of late. We were hanging out on the couch and he had his arm draped over my belly with his elbow just below my belly button. I felt a small twitching right where his elbow was, like maybe a muscle in his arm was twitching. I asked him if it was and he said no. So I had him move his arm and I still felt it! I felt like it was just below the surface! I have no idea but I think it was the baby! And when he put his arm back on my belly it started going faster . . . I think this kiddo is already in love with her father!

For the rest of the day I waited for it to happen again, but nothing. Until Raina crawled on my lap that night. Again I started feeling some twitching right where she was leaning on my belly. Eventually she got up and left and the twitching kept on going for another few minutes!! I felt like if it was the kiddo, we had established that she likes her father and her dog but she's not really into performing for her mother! ;-)

So, over the next few weeks it turns out some of the movement I felt early on really was her movement and others were who-knows-what. But now I'm 21 weeks along (yay for being half way through!!) and I'm definitely feeling her kicks and tumbles. It's awesome. I never felt the swishy, water-y movement that my mom and a couple of my friends say they felt. Mine start out feeling like muscle twitches and have escalated to feeling like tiny pokes. And occasionally I can tell that she's actually rolling because I can feel the tumble! But they all come from my lower abdomen, near my pelvic bone. It seems like I can feel them the best when I'm sitting up and especially when I lean forward. Which kinda makes me feel bad because I always imagine that it's because I'm squishing her! :-)

When the movement first started (at 16 weeks), I would go days in between feeling anything. It's gotten more and more frequent but still I will go hours without necessarily noticing movement. At first, I think it was because the movement was so light that I really needed to be sitting still to notice it. But now she is moving more and more and I've noticed a bit of a pattern. They say most babies move more in the evening and she is no exception to that rule. She doesn't move a whole lot in the morning when I first get up. It usually starts a couple hours later. But her most active time is in the evening between dinner and bedtime. So, she is a night-owl like her momma!

I have been trying and trying and TRYING to get Brad to feel her but no such luck so far. I know that he COULD because I can feel her with my hands. But this little thing is very uncooperative. She'll start moving and just when I think she's going to keep it up, I grab his hand and put it on my belly. And then she stops. If I could just time it to where he was touching her right when she landed a nice kick I really think he'd feel her! I've also tried to listen to her heartbeat with my stethoscope. (No! I'm not crazy! Supposedly you can hear a fetal heartbeat with a stethoscope at around 20 weeks.) But I've had no luck. I asked my doctor if she'd ever tried and she said that she did try on herself when she was pregnant but was never able to hear anything that early. She said give it another shot around 24 weeks.

Brad is so excited about this little girl. And that's almost the best part about this whole thing, seeing how happy he is. He's never been around babies and has always been a little awkward around kids but it doesn't seem to matter. He is excited about everything to do with this baby! The room, the name, everything! The other night we had dinner with his parents at their house and he asked about some of his childhood books. My mom had just given me my old childhood books and we were going through them and I was so excited to read them to the little girl when she came! And I think that got him excited too because he asked his mom if he could have some of his old books for her library.

The whole time we were driving home that night, all he could talk about was how he was excited about getting his books for her, especially the Dr. Seuss books. He said he couldn't wait to read her "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" for her first Christmas! And he was just grinning the whole time!

Sorry, this post was just kind of a ramble. I felt like I hadn't updated in a while and there were so many things that had been running through my mind. In other news, the blood sugars have definitely been changing over the last few weeks and the belly has too. I plan on writing posts about both soon!

~Layne

Reason #4389

2010-08-25T10:44:00.002-04:00

. . that I am married to the sweetest guy anyone could ask for. (The bashful should hide their eyes because I'm about to gush!)

These are my Mother's Day flowers. We found out I was pregnant 3 days after Mother's Day this year and on his way home from work that day, Brad picked these up to wish me a Happy Mother's Day! I wasn't even thinking about it!

I love him so much. He's a keeper! ;-)

~Layne

Magic?

2010-08-23T08:47:00.001-04:00

Several weeks ago Kerri over at Six Until Me had a post talking about meter accuracy and she linked to a Magic 8 Ball site. This was just a neat little website where you type in a question and the simulated Magic 8 Ball shows you your answer. I was amused, so I decided to play.

I was pregnant, so I wanted to ask the Magic 8 Ball something about the baby or the pregnancy. The worry-wart in me wanted to ask something like "Is the baby healthy?" or "Will the baby be ok?" But the realist in me knew that it would upset me if the stupid thing gave me "bad news" and that I should ask a more benign question where I didn't care what the answer was.

And this is what I asked:

Bizarre, huh? At this point, Brad and I had both talked about it and we were both feeling "girl" but also knew that we were full of it and, in reality, we had no clue. But when I got this answer, I immediately snapped a screenshot and sent the pic to Brad. We got a laugh out of it and 6 weeks later it turns out the Magic 8 Ball was right!!

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction! ;-)

~Layne

It's a . . .

2010-08-19T16:49:00.008-04:00

GIRL!!!!

As you can see, all signs point to girl! I don't know why but we have always just felt like it was a girl and even thought we tried not to, we called the baby she forever before we really knew. At first, I thought it was just me and that, since I'm a girl, it was just that I identified female and assumed I was carrying a female. But when I asked Brad, he always said he felt like the baby was a girl too!

I don't put much stock in "the feeling." Maybe we knew (but I doubt it), or maybe we both just thought a little girl would be fun. Either way, that's just what we got and we COULD NOT be more happy and excited!! I asked Brad if he was ok with being surrounded by girls (me, Raina and now the little one). He just grinned back at me and said "There are worse things." He's so cute! I think secretly he's hoping for a little daddy's girl.

This other photo is her profile. This is the first time we've really seen her face on ultrasound. Technically, we've seen the front of her face but on ultrasound (from the front) a face just looks like a skeleton. So getting to see her profile was so exciting! It felt like we finally got a peek of who was hanging out in there! Adorable!

We have both thought it was a good idea to hold off on a lot of decisions until we found out the gender. Why talk about names and color schemes or shop for furniture, bedding, and clothes when 50% of what you are discussing won't even be relevant once you know the gender? And more importantly, why not make it easy on ourselves and eliminate half the choices right off the bat?!? I'm not going to say we didn't toss around a few names here and there but, for the most part, we've left that for later. Well, later is NOW and Brad is really excited about picking out stuff for the nursery and I'm ready to get down to business about a name!

Lots of things to think about and talk about! Hopefully we'll be able to agree and make a decision!

So excited!

2010-08-15T18:45:00.004-04:00

So I may have denied being baby crazy. But now that I'm officially knocked up I can't deny being super excited about this baby! Specifically Brad and I have been dying to know the sex of the baby. At first, I wasn't too keen on finding out the gender. Because I'm around births and babies all the time, I figured that anything I could do to make this experience exciting and different from what I see all the time at work would probably be the way to go.

Well, first of all, I can say that this is already such a wonderful, fun, scary, exciting time for us that I really don't need to torture myself to make it that much more interesting. But the bigger problem came when Brad wanted to find out. One of the things he's most excited about is the nursery . . . painting, decorating, building furniture, etc. I'm assuming becuase, for the most part, it's the only real and tangible thing he can do during the pregnancy. And he feels like he can't get started until we know the gender. I suggested we go with neutrals like yellows and greens and we'd be set no matter what the gender was. Well, that idea was shot down. Specifically, his reaction was a matter-of-fact, "That's so lame!"

So, since the poor guy has so few other decisions he can make during this whole process, I decided to give in and find out the gender. (You wouldn't believe how appalled most people were at the idea that we wouldn't find out before the birth!) And ever since we made this decision I have grown more and more antsy to know what my baby is!! And now I can't imagine not knowing. I have become so impatient, in fact, that I called last week to move up my original ultrasound appointment by a week and a half becuase I just couldn't wait any longer!!

So we will be finding out very soon and we can't wait! I'll keep you posted!

~Layne

Shameful

2010-08-05T11:12:00.001-04:00

After re-reading my last post and some of the comments I got, I felt kinda bad. Sometimes even thought something my bother me a little, I will vent or complain about it in a way where I think I'm being funny and light-hearted but others just kinda think I'm being a downer. And I get that. Especially when it's the written word and you can't see me smile and laugh and poke fun at myself for being whiny.

But this pregnancy is one subject that I NEVER want to be perceived as complaining about. Or ungrateful for. Or unhappy about in any way. First, because I feel that, despite a couple bumps early on, I am beyond grateful for how easy this pregnancy has been on me. Especially when it comes to symptoms. I have known friends and family members who have had very uncomfortable or complicated pregnancies. And I truly feel blessed not only that the baby is doing so well but that I have been feeling pretty great too.

Probably the worst thing I can truly complain about is the constant worry and wonder. (I can't feel the baby so how do I know she's ok? Is she doing well? Growing? How is her heart developing? Her lungs? Her brain? Did that one bad blood sugar hurt her? Is she getting everything she needs? Should I be doing more? Should I be doing less?) But I think those thoughts just come with the territory of being a soon-to-be-parent, especially when you have a job like mine!!

But most importantly, I don't want to seem grumpy or cranky about this pregnancy because when I say that I (WE!) are deliriously happy and unstoppably in love with this child it's a gross understatement. And I think that's the reason I'm so anxious to feel her kick, see her grow in my belly, hear her heartbeat, feel pregnant, look pregnant, etc. From the moment we found out we were expecting, it has seemed to me that I had loved this little baby for a long while already. And as the days, weeks and now months have passed, it's crazy to me that I'm still are so early in the pregnancy! How is she not here yet? How is it we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl? How can it be that she is only/already 4 inches long?!? Some days it still doesn't even feel real.

Anyway, just wanted to put those thoughts out there. Hope they make sense.

~Layne

PS: No, we don't know the sex yet. Only a few weeks left, though! I'm referring to the baby as "her" because I hate saying "it" and I'm sick of playing the pronoun game (he/she). Plus, we kinda have a feeling . . . . just sayin'.

Of course, if a little boy pops out, the poor thing will be scarred for life that his mother called him a girl on the internet. ;-)

This is depressing. . .

2010-08-03T16:14:00.003-04:00

Let me start by saying that I'm not one of those women who ever understood why pregnant women insist that they are or look fat. I don't get it. It is so obvious that pregnant women are PREGNANT and not FAT. Those two things look completely different. I figured it was just hard for women to grow out of their clothes and (later on) swell in various places and that it just was overall hard to be that much bigger than you are used to being. So they called themselves fat.

But I couldn't WAIT to look pregnant. First, I'm not the thinnest girl on the planet and to finally have an excuse NOT to suck in my belly sounded glorious. And second, I think pregnant women are the cutest thing ever!

But! I was not prepared for this. For the first 7 or 8 weeks or so, I battled with some serious bloat. I definitely didn't look pregnant but my jeans were pretty snug and I knew it was more bowel than baby. Still, not much different than a period would be so I didn't really worry about it. Then around week 12 or 13, Brad and I both started to notice a change. Hooray! The first signs of a tiny baby belly. But I knew it was too small for anyone but me and him to notice. Me, because it's my body. And him, well, because he's my husband and he knows my body pretty well. ;-) Sorry, TMI.

But by week 14 or 15, I thought for sure people would start noticing. I even stopped sucking in because I was sure it was obvious that my new-found belly was all baby! (Am I the only girl out there who makes sure to always be "sucking in" a little just to make sure that any potential muffin-top or tummy roll remains at bay??) And I was sure those close to me, who were used to seeing me pretty regularly, could tell. I was sure they'd notice the change and say something. But no, nothing. I was a little disappointed because I was so excited to think that I might be showing! I made the mistake of telling Brad this. And then he made the mistake of being "helpful." Thinking that it would be genius to quietly ask friends and family if they could tell. He did this thinking, bless his heart, that they just weren't paying attention. That maybe if he pointed it out they would finally notice.

Instead, I have had 3 people tell me that I, in fact, DO NOT look pregnant. My own mother even asked today if I had gained any weight yet. Wha?!?

Why is this depressing, you ask? Because I've outgrown my pre-pregnancy jeans (well, I suppose I can button them but it ain't pretty!) Because my tops no longer reach down quite as far as they used to. And because I definitely have a noticeable pooch. And why do they all think this is how I normally look?!?

Yes, it is seriously depressing that everyone thinks this is my normal. And to answer my mother's question, NO! I haven't gained weight. In fact, I lost 5 pounds in the first trimester and have only gained 1 pound back! Proving that this pooch, here? It's all baby!

So I leave it up to you to judge. Please be kind. But, also, be honest. Here goes nuthin':
This is from back in January. I had just started the pump and would be going off birth control in a couple of weeks! Little did I know, I would be pregnant within 3 months!
Here, I was 7 weeks pregnant. Holy bloat, Batman! My waist? She's a-gone.
And this was today, at 15 weeks and 4 days. For the love of everything that is good and holy, how is this not a change?!?

So, for me, I will be so stinking happy when this belly finally comes into it's own. When it enters a building before I do. When it is so ridiculously obvious that I'm pregnant, that not to notice would mean you are in serious need of corrective lenses. Then, and only then, will I stop whining that I look fat. ::sigh::

Crankily yours,
~Layne

A1C Update!

2010-07-29T10:48:00.003-04:00

I had my labs drawn last week and they included an A1C. I was kinda nervous to get the result because, for once, it's more than just MY health on the line here. Pre-pregnancy I generally hung around the mid-6's. When I was on the stressed side, that number might climb to the high 6's and a couple years back (when I was dealing with the job from hell) I even spiked up to 7.1.

(Sidenote: I'm not saying this to brag or to invite criticism. Everyone's A1C is different and I just want to establish my personal baseline. I am proud of the control that I have but have no desire to judge or be judged by others. /rant.)

I have never had my A1C start with the magical number 5. It's been a personal goal of mine, especially since starting to buckle down for a pregnancy. But, alas, it has eluded me. The best I could do pre-pregnancy was very low 6's and my last A1C before conceiving was 6.1.

But this week, I got a call from my endo's nurse. She knew I had labs drawn and I had asked if she could call when she got the results. So she called while I was at work and told me that my A1C was 5.8!?! She was shocked and said that was amazing. I was super happy. Although I must admit, with all the lows I've been having not only can I not claim all the credit but I was also a little surprised it wasn't lower. (More on those lows later!)

I've never had an A1C that started with a 5. For me, that's a huge accomplishment. One that I would have preferred happen pre-pregnancy but I'll take what I can get! I know all these lows aren't great for me but it's the highs that really hurt the baby. So I'm so happy that s/he is safe and sound in there for now. Now, the pressure's on to keep it up for the duration of the pregnancy!! I know any week now this wave of insulin sensitivity I've been riding for weeks will drop and the resistance that you hear about in pregnancy will kick in. So I've been checking my blood sugar like a fiend to stay on top of everything. Not much time for celebrating!

But for a little while, at least, I'm going to bask in the glow of my pretty numbers. They make me happy and keep my baby safe. The big D doesn't give us much to be happy about and I'll take whatever I can get! So I'm not too proud to say that I'll be taking some time to pat myself on the back for a job well done. ;-)

~Layne

Eye Doc

2010-07-15T10:47:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I visited my Ophthalmologist. This is my LEAST favorite doctor's appointment of the year. Yes, even worse than the OB/GYN. Not because I don't like people touching my eyes. I know that's a pretty common thing for most people but I've never been particularly squeamish about my eyes. (On the other hand, my husband won't let me near HIS eyes with a 10-foot pole, but that's another post!)

Nope. For me, I hate the Ophtho becuase it's bound to be the longest doctor's appointment of the year. (And I see a lot of doctors!) I'll say it again, I'm the most impatient person on the planet. And, for some reason, those stupid retinopathy exams take FOREVER! The waiting rooms are the most crowded of any doctor I go to, it takes forever to get called back and then once you are actually in a room, they take a quick look at you, dilate your eyes and send you right back out to wait again!! Grrr. This is my kryptonite. . . .

I always bring a book (because I'm always reading something and because I hate sitting in a waiting room bored with nothing to do) but have you ever noticed that when you get your eyes dilated you lose your nearsightedness? As in the ability to read?!? So when the nurse comes to get me for the last part of the exam, I've heard more than one make a comment that goes something like "wow, are you actually trying to read?" Yes, I am the only doofus in that dark room, with their eyes dilated, that is trying their damnedest to read a book. Because I don't have the patience of a 3-year-old and therefore do not know how to just sit down, put my hands in my lap, relax and wait until I'm called for.

Now that I'm done kvetching about going to the doctor, I must say that I have good news! Once again, I feel very lucky to report that the Ophthamologist says my eyes look not just good, but great! I kept asking as he was doing the exam, "do they look ok?" And he would reply "they look great!" I wasn't expecting much more than a "fine" or a "good" but he kept repeating how great my eyes looked! Maybe it's silly of me, but I consider that a small triumph! But because I'm pregnant he does want to see me once a trimester (or every 3 months) instead of the normal once a year.

This was one appointment I was worried about and actually scheduled a little early this year because I wanted to be proactive. I have read and heard of ladies with diabetes who either had retinopathy or developed a little bit during pregnancy who were not given the option of giving birth vaginally. This is something that is very important to me. There are a lot of things during pregnancy and delivery that is out of anyone's hands (including mine), but I didn't want to go into the whole thing with only one option. So the news from this appointment comes as a big relief. I just pray that my eyes continue to stay healthy during the pregnancy!

Other than that, no big news on the pregnancy front except that as of tomorrow I'm officially in my 2nd trimester! I'll be 13 weeks and I'm feeling a lot better overall. My two biggest symptoms seem to still be headaches and tiredness, but hopefully that will pass soon. I also told a bunch of people at work yesterday and they were so sweet and SUPER supportive. My boss was also so sweet and kept saying don't worry about anything, whatever is best for me and the baby is what we'll do. Seriously, I love my job!

~Layne

Expecting

2010-07-07T11:46:00.003-04:00

So the big news is out of the bag. Yes, we are pregnant. Well, I'm pregnant and Brad's just waiting. That post was written right after Brad left for work the day we found out. I was so unbelievably happy and excited and scared. All of a sudden my world was this little pea-sized cluster of cells growing inside me. It was everything to me and the day before I didn't even know about it. I wanted to write what I was thinking. I wanted to remember that morning.

But I knew I couldn't post it. So I waited. (And it's been SO HARD to keep my mouth shut! I wanted to tell you guys SO bad!) And officially today is 11 weeks and 5 days. I would have posted on week 10 but we were out of town and I wanted to be around when it went out into cyber space!

It hasn't been all roses and sunshine. There were a couple of scary weeks where we had some bleeding and cramping. It all turned out okay and the bleeding stopped but I had 2 ultrasounds early on just to be sure everything was ok. (This ultrasound image is from about 3 weeks ago and I love looking at it. I can't believe how much he/she is growing!)

Some days it still doesn't feel real. I'm waiting for it to really hit me. Of course, it's too early to feel the baby and I'm not really showing, so some days it feels like it's all in my head. In fact, for the past several weeks I've been feeling more bloated than baby (ah, the joys of pregnancy). I'm just now starting to grow for real an be uncomfortable in my normal jeans (that's a bummer) and I'll have to buy some new clothes soon. Luckily I wear scrubs to work and they are forgiving so those will last me a little while yet.

I want to thank everyone for all your support and congratulations. This is such a happy, exciting and SCARY time for us. It's hard not to think of all the scary things that can happen (especially considering what I do for a living!!) but I'm doing my best to let that go and concentrate on the happy things. It's so nice to know that I have places to go and people to ask all my diabetes/pregnancy/motherhood-related questions.

And Brad has been an absolute blessing throughout all of this. In fact, the more he takes care of me the more I'm convinced that he's going to make an amazing dad. Seeing him with our child is one of the things I'm most looking forward to.

~Layne

The day I knew about you . . .

2010-07-05T09:08:00.001-04:00

May 12th:

Today I found out I was pregnant. I'm not going to say I knew. I was hoping, but I didn't know. Each month I was hoping that was the month. And each month I was too impatient to wait until I missed my period to test. And each month the test came back negative. I even tested a few days ago (May 8) thinking that maybe I'd find out I was pregnant right before Mother's Day and what a great story that would have been. Nope, negative.

So I was expecting my period. I had all the signs I normally had. And I had even started feeling crampy the day before. As soon as I felt that familiar soreness, I knew that my period was around the corner. With my period, I'm like clockwork. It always comes overnight to greet me the morning of the 27th day. So this morning when I stirred and felt nothing, I had an inkling.

I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn't. My mind was racing. I slipped out of bed, grabbed the test and took them into the guest bathroom so I wouldn't wake up Brad. I already felt silly enough (this is the 6th test I've taken in 4 months) and he already thinks I'm obsessed! First, I double-checked to make sure that I really didn't have my period. Nope, nothing. So I peed on the stick in the dark. And I waited the requisite 2 minutes. (Okay, 1 minute and 40 seconds . . . sue me!) The whole time I was thinking this was just going to be another negative. So far I was only "late" by 5 minutes! What were the chances?

But after 1 minute and 40 seconds, when I couldn't wait any longer, I picked up the stick. And even in the almost-dark, I could see the second line. Fainter than the first, but it was still there. I considered, for a split-second, not telling Brad. Trying to hide it for a couple of days so I could plan a surprise announcement. But I cracked. Have I mentioned I'm the most impatient person on the planet? I ran into the bedroom and threw open the blinds. He asked if I was crazy as I yanked on him to sit up in bed. And I showed him the test. He took it and asked if I was sure? But it's so light? I told him I was sure.

We were two idiots, we couldn't stop smiling and I had tears streaming down my face. I just kept saying "Oh my God" and "This is so weird." We hugged over and over again. We spent all morning freaking out, and Brad ended up being a little late out the door for work. He kept saying he didn't want to leave. I kept fretting over a few high blood sugars that I'd had in the last couple of days. We discussed when we could tell people. We wanted to tell everyone that very second but knew it would be more prudent to wait. And we even talked about not getting our hopes up too much in case the worst happened. We settled on 10 weeks, we could announce it once I was 10 weeks. And then Brad promptly started whining that he wanted to tell people. ;-)

So for 10 weeks, it's just the three of us. Brad, me and the little one. And we couldn't be happier.

~Layne

Bad site

2010-06-24T09:31:00.006-04:00

Ok, so I don't have time for an in-depth, thought-provoking post this week because . . . I'm in Cleveland, Ohio! For my brother's wedding! I'm so excited to be here for him. Since I'm in Florida and he's in Ohio, we don't get to see each other much (couple times a year) so not only am I super stoked to just be spending time with him, it's that much better that it's on such a happy occasion!

Plus, today happens to be Brad and my anniversary. Four years married today! Make that four great years. So we are taking it easy today and just having fun together. We're visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame during the day. Tonight we'll be going to an uber fancy dinner at a restaurant that is built into the side of a cliff that overlooks Lake Erie. (It's actually a recommendation from Adam, my bro, and it's where he proposed to Lacey, my future sis-in-law. It looked too cool to pass up!)

After today, we will officially be in wedding mode for the rest of the weekend. So I won't have any time to post. But I'll be seeing you next week when I'm back in sunny Florida! And I'll have some exciting news to share!

So, I'll leave you with a quick (gross) pic that exemplifies why two things drive me crazy: 1) pump sites on my back and 2) trying clothes on. I took it last week after a grissly find on my part. (Squeamish beware: blood ahead!)

I was in a store the other day trying clothes on and that meant that my site was taking a mega-beating. Pants on. Pants off. Shirt on. Shirt off. Up. Down. Wiggle. Etc. . . I usually disconnect my pump because, knowing me, I'm bound to rip it off. I tend to get tangled in my tubing (embarrassingly easily) and if I'm not careful before I rip my jeans off, my pump and site go with them!! But even when I disconnect, the site itself still inevitably gets snagged, bumped and generally beaten. My site being in the back tends to make it worse since I can't see it or avoid it easily.

Anyway, after going to the store and trying a bunch of clothes on, I ran some more errands and came home. I could tell that I was high (had to pee, felt dehydrated and just generally yucky). I tested and sure enough, I was high. So my rervoir was close to empty so I just decided to do a whole set change. As soon as I felt my site (which was in my flank) I could tell it was wet. Ah HA!! I figured it was leaking insulin. NOPE! It was blood. Ewwwww!

I ripped it out and changed everything, which I was planning to do anyway, but it sucked that I probably would have noticed the bad site hours earlier if it had been in the front. AND it probably only happened because I roughed myself up in the fitting room.

Am I the only diabetic girl uncoordinated enough to not be able to try on clothes without inflicting personal damage? ::sigh::

~Layne