My day at work

Today (and yesterday for that matter) I took care of a very sick little boy who was dying. His family is going to withdraw life support tomorrow. Most people look at this as a horrific part of my job and I won't lie, it is awful. But whether I chose to work in the NICU or not, awful things will still happen. Even to wonderful families like this one.

Because I have this job, I went to work and spent all day Saturday and Sunday helping this family through what will be their last weekend with their son/brother/grandson/nephew. This little boy has spent every day of his life since he was born hooked to machines, lying undressed in a warmer, looking more like a "patient" than a baby. Knowing what was coming on Monday, this weekend I was determined to give the family back their baby boy.

I helped him have his first cuddle with his teddy bear, wrapped him in his first non-hospital blanket and today I surprised his family by having him dressed in a very cute onesie that a coworker helped me find. So when the family came to visit, they found their little boy dressed in his first outfit (that helped to hide all the wires and tubes), laying on sheets that were not hospital sheets and sleeping with his bear. I got two tearful hugs from two tearful Grandmas in thanks for the simple kindness of dressing their grandson. That is why I do this. That is why I love my job. How many people can really say they make a difference in the lives of others? How many can say they had the opportunity to help a family through the saddest of times in hopes of being able to make it the tiniest bit more bearable? How could I not be so incredibly honored and humbled to have that job?

Today I placed a grandson in the arms of his grandmother for the first and (probably) last time. I got to watch her rock her grandson, read him a letter she wrote to him and say a painful goodbye. And I cried right along with her. Those things that I did for that little boy today were tiny in the grand scheme of things. And they certainly won't change what will happen to him tomorrow. But it was my honor and privilege to take care of this baby boy and I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. Is this the fun part of my job? No. Did my heart break for this family? Yes. Did I spend most of my day shedding tears right alongside them? Of course.

But like I said these things will happen whether I do this job or not. My hope is that by choosing to do this I get the opportunity try and make horrible situations like these a little bit . . . What? I don't know. I can't say "better" because there is nothing good about it. But if I could give these people a few sweet memories of this boy. Take pictures, create a few special moments for them to remember, a chance to say goodbye in a way that may (hopefully) give them peace. . . I don't know what else to say. My job has the highest highs and the lowest lows. But even after days like today, I'm thankful for it.

Excuse me while I go hug the crap out of Brad and Raina and tell them I love them. Then I'm going to go to bed and have a good cry before I pass out, cause I'm freaking exhausted.

~Layne

Feeling Low

So I don't tend to wake up at night with low blood sugars all that often. But for some reason this week I seem to be going for a record. Multiple times I've woken up with low sugars and last night was the worst.

Before I go into any details let me first tell you about a very strange symptom I get at night with my lows. Most diabetics I know have trouble waking up to their lows at night. I never have, which is a good thing I guess. Instead my night time lows cause this weird version of insomnia. I do have the usual waking-up-shaky-and-drenched-in-sweat kind of lows but starting right after college, I found myself randomly waking up in the middle of the night, wide-awake, for absolutely no reason, no symptoms. I obviously wasn't well-rested because I'd only been asleep 3 or 4 hours. But there I was wide awake and unable to fall back asleep no matter how hard I tried. Eventually I got the bright idea to check my blood-sugar and lo and behold it was low. No familiar low symptoms, but I was still low. So I treated, my sugar came back up and I fell back asleep. I will say it's a very annoying way to find out I'm low because even though I am aware of it, it still usually takes me a while of tossing and turning to think to test my sugar. Again, because I don't feel low.

Okay, so yesterday I had been fighting off lows most of the day, mostly because I just didn't have much of an appetite. Before bed I felt that faint "butterfly" feeling in my stomach that I get at the beginning of a low and not at all tired. So I tested and I'm 84. I thought, ok, I'm awesome. My blood sugar is on it's way down and I caught it early, I'll treat and have an otherwise restful night.

Wrong! I went to bed at 11pm and tossed and turned for an hour and a half before I gave up and tried checking my sugar again. 48?!? So I guess whatever I did to the 84 just made it angry. I get up, drink the last dregs of milk out of the carton (for the protein) and then some OJ (for the raw sugar power). I go back to bed think, "Take that!"

And it worked. . . for about 4 hours. I'm up again at 4:45am but absolutely refuse to get out of bed. I don't really know why but I'd already felt cheated out of a restful night and treating the same low for a 3rd time just seemed like admitting defeat. So I tossed and turned until my alarm went off at 6am. And of course I checked before I left the house and my blood sugar was 62.

So I had the low that wouldn't die last night and tonight I'm freakin' beat. I really hope I can get some good sleep tonight to make up for it. Has anyone else out there found themselves fighting the same low off all night long? How do you handle it? Do you get angry and hide under the covers refusing to come out? Or do you act like a mature adult and get out of bed, test and treat? Just curious. ;-)

~Layne

Intro to Vlog

So this is my first official vlog. I made it weeks (months?) ago and never actually got around to posting it. Why, you ask? Probably the same reason I hardly ever post anything. Big ideas, good intentions, bad follow-through.

No more! That's what NaBloPoMo is all about. Changing bad habits, right? Right! In some ways I guess it's good that my follow-through sucks because it means I have a bunch of draft-posts to work with all through November. Procrastination (at it's finest) finally pays off!

Anywhoooo . . . this is from way-back-when all the DOC-ers were doing the purse-diving vlog. I absolutely loved watching everyone's vlog. Maybe it's the inner voyeur in me or maybe it's because I saw so many similarities between other purse-carrying diabetics and myself. But in addition to the similarities I saw the little differences in how others do things. It put me to shame, really, because I felt like I was way less prepared than the average bear, uh, diabetic.

So, without further delay (except for the usual disclaimer about incessant rambling and please disregard the fact that I sound like I'm 12 yrs old), I present to you my first vlog. Enjoy.

~Layne

Eye doctor

In honor of National Diabetes Month, I went to the eye doctor today. That's not really true, I always go this time of year but it sounds good, right? Anyway, the appointment was not too exciting, which is always a good thing. Still no signs of retinopathy. Yay! And it's funny because I had Lasik surgery back in December of 2004 and since then every time someone checks my eyes they comment about how great they look, that they almost can't even see the scar and what a nice job the surgeon did. Personally, I pat myself on the back a little for that one because who'd a thought a diabetic could heal so well?!?

The one little downer though is that even though I had 20/15 vision right after the Lasik surgery, it has slid a little in the last 18 months or so. My left eye is now about 20/25 and my right is about 20/50. (Keep in mind before the surgery my vision was about 20/450. Yep, folks, I was legally blind without my contacts!) The right one is the one that drives me a little crazy but I'm still going fine without corrective lenses. I keep a pair of glasses in the car in case things get blurry on the road at night but I hardly ever wear them. In the long run, I'm still very happy with my vision and my eye health.

Well, that's the most exciting news from my day. Hope you had a good one!

~Layne

It's Over!

That's all I could think as I drove home today from my interview. Well, I'm using the word "think" here very loosely because at the end of a long day that started at 6am with a 2 hour drive, consisted of meeting 20 million people, asking and being asked 50 kazillion questions and walking all over the two hospitals I was a little, uh, fried . . . to say the least. So I vegged out the first 20 minutes or so of the drive.

But then I got to thinking about today's interview and I also thought back on my previous interview two weeks ago. I had so much floating around in my head, comparisons, facts, people, place. . . I thought my brain might actually ooze out of my ears and onto Interstate 4 as I drove back home. Before I went on this interview I had really thought my decision clear but today the waters became very murky. I have two great institutions to choose from. Two great Level 3 NICU's that I have to choose between. (That is, if I am lucky enough to get an offer from both. But I do have to say I think I did really well on both interviews.)

So this looming decision weighed on me. How was I going to choose? Would I make the right choice? Then I thought of the past 2 years . . . had it really been that long? December marks 2 years since I graduated, full of hope and ambition. But that two years had brought some really rough times. An fruitless job hunt in Orlando, months spent in an NP position that ended up being completely unfulfilling and infuriating, the highs and lows of interviewing at my one hope at a position in Orlando and then getting turned down and then stepping down to a RN position just to regain my sanity. When it comes to my career, the last 2 years have been emotionally and physically draining to say the least.

And then it dawned on me. . . what a wonderful problem to have. And at that second I thanked God for the opportunity to experience this problem. A choice between two Level 3 NICUs were I can persue my passion and really learn. These are exactly the kinds of places I have been looking for. Sure, it's a commute. But this is something I have been wanting (and missing out on) for so long. And I am so, SO grateful that I am finally in a place where I can work in a place that fits me. A place where I can make a difference, do what I love and learn new things about a field I am truly passionate about every day.

And that's what I thought for the rest of my ride home. It's over. The search. The stress. The greif. The uncertainty. It's over.

Thank God.
~Layne

PS: A diabetes related note: Wouldn't you freaking know that I got low twice! On each interview!! Luckily I brought snacks that I stowed in my purse to be ready for this exact situation, but seriously?!? Some days I really think having diabetes is like taking a toddler with you everywhere you go. There are those important days where you just pray it will, sit down, shut up and just behave and not embarrass you. Oh well. ;-)

Nervous Nelly

So, the above title isn't quite true. I'm not all that nervous. More like anxious. But why don't I tell you what all this is about before I start dissecting my feelings. I have an interview tomorrow with a hospital a little less than 2 hours away from my house. (I guess we'll see what the actual driving time is tomorrow, huh?) It's an all-day interview which is pretty typical in my field. And I'm excited to meet the team and see the hospital but I'm also wary becaue I'm beat from my two days in a row of sun-up to sun-down shifts and I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to arrive to my interview on time.

This is my second interview in two weeks. Since I went to the NANN conference back in September and caught up with old colleagues and brushed up on the latest research I've found myself yearning more and more to get back into the NNP role. I know, I know. I said I was happy as a nurse . . . and doubly happy with my 15 minute commute. And I am. But it's hard not to miss being in the NNP role. It's what I trained for, it's what I'm passionate about and it's why I have all these school loans, for crying out loud!

However, there is one (very big) problem with this: There are no openings in Orlando. Zero. Zilch. Nada. And it doesn't look like there will be any for at least 2 years. Maybe more. So I developed a strategy. I networked like crazy at the conference and met a few recruiters and a few hospitals, with openings in Florida, all expressing interest. My criteria was this: the hospital had to be within 2 hours of Orlando and it had to offer long shifts (long = 16 to 24 hours). I compromised with myself in order to find a job. It sucks to have to drive 2 hours to a job so I only looked at places with long shifts so that the number of times I had to drive back and forth to work would be drastically decreased. For example, I interviewed somewhere that primarily does 24-hour shifts. So I would do 3 24-hour shifts in 2 weeks, give or take. How sweet is that?!?

I also decided not to entertain any more of this Level 2 business. If I'm driving that far I would only look at Level 3 NICU's. These are the NICU's that keep the sickest babies, house more specialties, perform surgeries, etc. This is the kind of place I want to be in, where I can really learn my stuff. If the hospital was a teaching institution or in a university setting, all the better.

I narrowed the field down to the 2 strongest contenders. And that's where we are now. I've gone on one interview and tomorrow is my second. These interviews are exciting, for sure, but also nerve-wracking and exhausting. Throw in a 4 hour round trip and who knows what shape I'm going to be in tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember to post! :-)

So I should go now and prepare (aka write up my questions, print out directions, pick out an outfit, etc). Wish me luck and pray that my diabetes stays in check all day!!

TTFN!
~Layne

Can we say busy?

Okay so today ws not such a good second day for NaBloPoMo. I came to work this morning and found that my assignment was in one of my favorite rooms. The twin room is oh, so quiet, oh, so calm and really lends itself to a relaxing day at work with the babies. Which, in turn, should hve lent itself nicely to me havig pleny of time to write my daily blog post.

Today? Not so much. No one told my babies that Halloween is over. Because I had little twin girls "trick-or-treating" me all day long with the alarms, the dings, the xrays, the ultrasounds, the tubes, the wires, ventilators facing the wrong direction, monitors out of reach . . . this room, this assigment, and these poor little girls were a hot mess.

And now, near the end of my shift, so am I. Not to mention I am currently typing on a mobile laptop station that is uber-ghetto and is currently missing 3 keys with several more on the fritz. So please forgive the spelling errors. And the lack of an actual interesting post.

But hey! I posted!! Go me!

Until tomorrow,
~Layne

NaBloPoMo

So it's November and that means NaBloPoMo is officially here. I actually think I'm going to give it a shot. (No pun intended from the diabetes blogger over here.)

For those of you who don't know, NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month and it is a way for wary and/or wayward bloggers (such as myself) to jump back into blogging by committing to posting daily for the entire month of November. No weekends off, no holidays off. At least one post, every day.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I've only freakin' had 18 posts so far this year! So how in the world can I commit to 30 posts in 30 days? All true. But I'm going to do my best and hpoefully this will help to instill blogging as a new habbit of mine, so that my absences won't be so long and, uh, so frequent.

It also means I'll probably be blogging about anything and everything just to get material in. But take into consideration what November holds in store: I'm about to go on my second job interview in as many weeks, I should hear back about potential job offer(s!) within 2-3 weeks, my first Thanksgiving as "the hostess" and decorating our new house for the holidays for the first time!! All very exciting, busy and even somewhat life-changing stuff. Come to think of it, how am I going to fit in time to blog? Oh well, it should be interesting, so stay tuned!

~Layne

Pack your bags . . .

. . cause you're going on a guilt-trip. Read on. . .

Nick has had Type 1 diabetes for as long as he can remember. Now, as the holiday season approaches, this little six-year-old is hoping he'll get the one gift he's always wanted: a future free of diabetes.

"I keep tossing pennies into wishing wells and my wish is always a for a cure," says Nick.

At a time of year when most boys Nick's age are dreaming of puppies and baseball mitts and race cars, this little boy is dreaming of a cure.

This is the start of a letter I received recently from the JDRF. And every letter is like this one. In fact this one is disappointingly tame and not as tear-jerker-ish as they usually are. These things are so over the top, so transparent it's sickening. They drive me crazy!

Maybe that stuff works on other people. Maybe this is the way of every charity devoted to helping children in some fashion, whether they are "suffering" with diabetes or starving in Africa. But as someone actually living with diabetes. . . as someone who, 15 years ago, could have been the kid in the letter, it just gets to me. I can't feel sorry for these kids and I won't. I never expected anyone to feel sorry for me and if they tried I promptly assured them that I didn't need their pity. I'm not saying I was a completely well-adjusted kid with Type 1 DM but I was also a firecracker and fiercely independent. I never liked anyone thinking I was anything other than completely with-it and capable. And . . .

(Fair warning: What I'm about to say may make me a huge jack ass in some people's eyes but, oh well.)

I think the JDRF really dropped the ball with this type of advertising and fundraising strategy. Because GUESS WHAT?!? I have juvenile diabetes. And you know what else? I'm not a kid. Does that mean I'm not worth a cure? I've been living with this crap for almost 20 years, I grew up with it and I dealt with it as a kid but I grew up. Thank God. I hope every kid with diabetes gets the chance to grow up. But what happens when they do? Are we going to slap them on the back and say "congrats!" for outgrowing your childhood despite the rigors of diabetes. Oh and, by the way, no one cares about you anymore. You aren't cute and freckle-y and pre-pubescent so you aren't worth a cure. You know what? Screw you!

And that's how these stupid letters make me feel. Like the only people with diabetes who matter, who deserve a cure are the kids. Well most of us started out as kids and, here's an update: we didn't outgrow this disease. And for those with diabetes who got it in college or in adulthood, that's a whole different kinda hard. And, most days, I'm glad I didn't have to go through that particular battle. Puberty and diabetes? Yeah, that's a rough combo. But living your whole life like nothing's wrong and having a career and a family and then, Oops? Everything changes! How you eat. How you think. Every day for the rest of your life. Yeah, that definitely sucks too. At least I don't remember much of my transition from pre-diabetes to post-diabetes.

Bottom line? JDRF, please stop laying it on so thick. I will definitely keep donating and I will "walk for a cure" and do anything I can to help find a cure, because I do need a cure. But I surely don't need a guilt-trip. And to anyone else out there who thinks diabetes is just a little kid disease: Open your eyes and you'll see a whole lotta adults, even "young adults", who are already veterans of this disease. And we all need, and deserve, a cure.

Stepping off my soapbox now,
~Layne

PS: We played an awesome game today and smoked Georgia!! Go Gators!! And Happy Halloween!! Bring on the trick-or-treaters!!

Blast from the past

Okay, so a couple months ago Kerri over at Six Until Me has had a few posts where she dug up some of her old school diabetes equipment and what-have-you and reminisced about the "good old days" back in ancient diabetes times. Well, she and I started out on this diabetes road at sort of different parts of the overall timeline, so we don't exactly have the same memories of this stuff. She was diagnosed in 1986 (I think) and I was diagnosed in 1991. I know this doesn't seem too far apart but many of her memories didn't really reverb with me. For example, she remembers a time when you didn't use a meter to read your blood sugar, you just compared your strip to a color chart on the vial. I vaguely remember these types of strips being an option but by the time I was diagnosed, blood sugar meters were pretty common and that was what I was started on right away. And, unfortunately, there was no such thing as cutting the strips to make them last longer. :-) But it was funny trying to dig back in the cobwebs of my brain and remember this stuff.

Anyway, these posts have had me daydreaming about all my old diabetes acoutremonts and scrambling to find evidence of all my past relics on the web. It took a while because I couldn't for the life of me remember the old meter names. I knew I had an AccuChek as my first meter but do you know how many reincarnations of that thing there have been? Holy crap! Who can remember the exact model? But recently? SUCCESS!! I found a few pics of my old meters here. (And, btw, it was the AccuChek Easy.) So, for your enjoyment:

So even though by that time we, as diabetics, had advanced from peeing on sticks and/or comparing crusty old blood to color charts, this is not to say that these machines were very sophisticated by today's standards. No sirree. They needed lots of blood (which got all over the machine . . . or maybe I was just messy, who knows) and it seemed like it took forever to get a reading. It didn't have a countdown clock, so I couldn't tell you exactly how long it did take, but it felt like years.

And who knew how much I'd appreciate capillary action when I was learning about it in the 7th grade but DANG! Those old strips really sucked. You had to aim for that stupid little square and good luck with that when you only have the coordination of a 9-year-old and are low and shaky to boot. And there were times when you'd look at the back of the strip (the part the meter actually read) to see how much more blood you needed and none of it had passed through! It sure looked mostly full on the other side?!? WTF?

This was my next meter, the One Touch Profile. I loved this thing and thought it was the shiznit. Only 45 seconds until I get my result?? Plus a countdown clock, plus an easy circle to aim for that is nestled snugly in the meter before I apply so I don't have to mess with it and get all smear-y. And it looked so modern and cool too! Looking back, holy smokes, those strips were huge! But as a whole it was definitely a step in the right direction.I've had so many meters over the years. Any time I'd get a free offer, I'd try a new one. Why not? They always came with a few free strips so no biggy. But the next meter that I really liked, that really stuck was the One Touch Ultra. I fell in love with the strips that magically (see: capillary action) sucked in the blood and how tiny this meter was. I never needed the extra blips and buttons and I ignored newer, shinier models that cropped up as time went by. I kept this thing for years. I will say this: Yes, this meter takes a tiny amount of blood. But who can just get that tiny amount. Again, maybe I'm a big doof or maybe my calluses are the problem but I get these big ole' drops of blood and then what do I do with them?? Hmm, question for another day.
This is my current meter, the Freestyle Lite. And honestly, I love it. So many of the little problems I've had with meters over the years have been solved. First, no coding. Awesome, brilliant, why couldn't we do this sooner? Sheesh! Second, a light-up strip for testing in the dark. Again, brilliant!! Do you know how many times we've been in a movie and I made my husband whip out his cell phone and aim it at the meter in my lap?? If only we could do glow-in-the-dark syringes we'd be set!! Another small thing that I love is that if you insert the strip before the little drop of blood starts flickering on the screen, no biggey. . . just go ahead an test. Any other meter I had would give you an error message and make you start all over. I'm impatient and I do this a lot so this little thing gives me great pleasure! :-)
My only con for this meter is that the little dots on the strip where you load the blood are a little awkward. Unlike the other strips I've used, there is no landing strip where you can neatly see the blood fill up until you have enough and the positioning is awkward. But I guess no meter's perfect.

I don't know why this turned into tales from my meters past when it was really just supposed to be a couple of pics of ancient meters I'd used. Oh well. It is amazing when you think about how far diabetes technology has come in the last 15 to 20 years. Anyone else with me on these old meters? I know some of you folks had to have used one of these dinosaurs, I can't be the only one!! Please share!

Hasta la pasta,
~Layne

Semi-required Disclaimer: I am not, repeat NOT, getting paid by anyone to endorse these meters or anything diabetes related. Please do not get your panties in a wad because I discussed pros and cons of stuff that I actually use in real like in a public forum. But to anyone listening: free test strips would be welcome and appreciated! :-)