Friday, May 29, 2009

Baby fever

So I don't really know where it came from. I've never really been in too much of a hurry in life. I have always been pretty school/career focused and if I was ever impatient, it was to be done with school and find my job-for-life. (We all know how that went.) But for the things most women scramble to do (find a boyfriend, get engaged, get married, have kids), I never felt the rush.

Brad and I were together 7 years when he proposed and 8 years when we got married. And I freely admit that 7 years is a long time to wait for a ring. But considering we started so young, it didn't really bother me. I was only 23 when he popped the question and it seemed like it was happening at just the right time. Once we were married, we did get the "baby" question. Again, I wasn't in a rush. I didn't feel any real need or desire to have children any time soon. First off, I was in school and working. And adding a pregnancy and a child to the mix did not sound fun. So I knew I wanted to wait for graduation. Well, I've been out of school for a year and a half and the "baby question" is coming more and more often. I didn't really know what to tell people because the timing still didn't feel right. We weren't terribly settled in our jobs, we were living in an apartment and I had just gotten out of school and just wanted some time to "relax." (Yes, when I say "relax" I'm referring to only having a full-time job. It frickin' feels like vacation. :-)

Don't get me wrong, I love babies (it's my job for crying out loud!) and we both want kids but I guess we just weren't feeling our clocks ticking. If it happened, I would have been totally okay with it and super excited but it wasn't something I was in a rush to start planning for. I knew it would happen eventually and like with so many other things in my life, I was happy in the moment so I felt no rush for things to change.

Then April happened. "What happened" you say? I haven't got a clue. We bought our first house in November 2008 and moved in in January 2009, so it's not like having the house has up'd the maternal ante. I've had months to get used to the idea of having a real house of our own and BBQ's and decorating were the things that dominated my thoughts . . . certainly not kid's rooms and baby proofing. We've been in Orlando for a little more than a year now, so you could say we are more settled, but I just switched jobs a couple months ago and my salary decreased so in what way does that motivate me to start planning for a baby?

Brad and I first started talking about kids shortly after we were married. As a girl, I felt like I was finally allowed to bring up the subject of kids after the wedding without the fear of being called crazy. (Brad isn't all that gun-shy but talking kids before actually being married would have been pushing it.) So anyway, it was nice to have the conversation and discuss where we both stood on the issue. I knew I wanted to wait to be out of school. After that I figured we'd move, I'd get a job, maybe a year or so out we'd start trying. At the time that would have been about 2-3 years away. Brad also wanted to wait until I was out of school but wanted more time "just for us" afterwards and was thinking more like 3-5 years.

After I graduated, I was kind of surprised that my biological clock never started ticking. I had always assumed it would. Instead, I was very career-focused and happy for the break from school and the extra time with Brad. Months passed and still nothing. We bought our first house, and . . . nothing. Then last month, I started feeling restless. Restless in a different way from how I had felt in the last year. I had spent so much time worrying about my career and how it would all work itself out and now all that was gone. It was out of my control and, even if I didn't like it, there was nothing I could do about it. So I resigned to stop worrying for the meantime and enjoy the perks of a simple, uncomplicated job with a great commute. The first couple months were pretty good, definitely less stress. But in April I felt an uneasiness that I couldn't quite pinpoint.

At first, I chalked it up to the career thing, figuring that I just wasn't feeling satisfied with my new job. But that didn't feel right, it didn't settle my mind. It was so frustrating feeling restless, uneasy, unsatisfied and not knowing why!?! I mean, when you are hungry you know it's because you need to eat. When you are happy, sad, mad, whatever. . . you should know why. It was so confusing to know that I wasn't quite content with life but have no clue what was specifically bothering me. Something was missing. Something wasn't right. I was unsettled and discontent but I didn't know why. . . I didn't know what I wanted. I kept trying to tick things off in my head, running things past my brain to feel out what it was that was causing my unease. Career? No, I'm done worrying about that. Unaccomplished goals? There are places I'd love to go and things I'd love to do but I've got plenty of time for that and it just didn't feel like the right answer. Self esteem? I'm not a huge fan of my body and the way I look and there are weeks when I want to personally smash every mirror and take scissors to each pair of ill-fitting jeans in my house. But, no, nothing's changed in that arena and it wasn't what was getting to me.

Then, one day, I thought "kids?" Huh. Wouldn't it be funny if this was my subconscious' way of telling me it was time? No way. That's so dumb. It doesn't happen like that. When I want a baby, I'll just know. I won't get a weird, unsettled, unfulfilled vibe that I can't identify or describe. That's dumb. But once I started thinking about it, I couldn't stop. It felt right, it felt good. I didn't really talk to anyone about it because I didn't want them to think I was nuts. I certainly felt crazy and like this was coming out of left field, so I can't imagine how it would seem to anyone else. Brad knew I had been going through stuff and I wasn't feeling right and that I didn't know what was bringing me down. I didn't plan on telling him about my new line of thinking.

That is until one night a couple of weeks ago. We decided to go out to dinner and we ended up having a great time, sitting outside on the patio of a great restaurant on a beautiful night, sipping our drinks and chatting about everything. And, oddly, the subject of kids came up. I always joke with Brad about his "3-5 year plan" because ever since that first conversation about kids every time I've asked if he's thought anymore about it, he says that 3-5 years still sounds about right. Well, 3 years has passed since that first conversation . . . . and, well . . . you do the math. So it always seemed to me that he just wasn't ready and was trying to put it off.

Well, he shocked me when he said that he had been thinking about kids a lot lately. He's turning 29 this year and he mentioned feeling like he was getting "old." Which, of course, he's not. But I guess when you step back and think of the timeline of your life, he was starting to think that it was about now when he wanted to start planning a family. This literally brought tears to my eyes. I just always thought that kids was going to be something that I would have to tell him that I was ready for and that he would have to work himself up to the idea. Instead, here he is telling me that he's ready anytime I am and that he's excited!

Before I knew it, I blurted out everything I'd been thinking over the last few weeks but had been too self-conscious to tell him. We had a wonderful conversation and both got very excited about the prospect of this change. Then . . .

I got the bad news that I have to be on medication for 9 months that isn't good for pregnant women. So this oven is officially closed until February 2010. I was pretty bummed, to say the least. But I'm determined to use this time wisely and get as prepared as possible. Hopefully I'll be starting the pump soon and my endo and OB-GYN are aware that I want to start "trying" soon and we all have a game plan. At this point I can't wait until February. Until then I have a very loud, very emotional biological clock ticking away in my head. Unfortunately this thing doesn't come with a snooze button. :-(

Emotionally yours,
~Layne

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Happy 27th!!

Okay, so I'm such a little kid when it comes to birthdays. I just love them. I remember everyone's birthday and I just can't let one pass without celebrating a little. And today is my birthday!! For some reason 27 just feels like a big jump from 26. I know, I know. . . I'm not old but I can't really say I'm mid-20s anymore. Now I'm "late-20s" and that's just weird.

But, no worries! I'm in now way less excited about today. I have a wonderfully sweet husband, great dog, and awesome family and friends to make this day great. I'm stoked. So I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and an especially great Sunday, May 24th!! I know I will!!

Love to all,
~Layne

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Update

Since my last post re: the Omnipod, I had another appointment to see the endo where we officially decided that we would go ahead and try the Omnipod. He says he's normally not a "pump-pusher" (his words, not mine) especially when his patients are in relatively good control, which I guess he feels I am. But there was an exception to that rule. And that is when his lady patients are looking to get pregnant. This is such a balancing act for diabetic women that he prefers they have the fine tuned control that a pump can provide. And since pregnancy is a subject that Brad and I are talking more and more about lately (Eeeeee!! Excited!!), my endo and I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and start with the pump. So now I'm dealing with pump reps, letters of medical necessity and insurance issues. Fun times . . . note the sarcasm.

I actually got a call from the Omnipod rep asking if I could provide blood-sugar logs showing multiple highs or lows. I didn't exactly tell her that I don't keep logs (bad diabetic!) since I could easily download my sugars. But I did tell her that I didn't think she'd see that many wacky numbers, I have spurts of badness but usually my sugars are pretty okay. Then I asked her if it would be a problem getting approved. My last A1C was 6.7. I guess that means I'm not a great candidate for changing my routine. I explained that the switch was mainly due to the fact that I was planning to try to get pregnant soon and thought the pump could help me tighten my control. She said that I should definitely ask my MD to include that reasoning in the letter of medical necessity.

I'm a little frustrated because I feel like I might be punished for being in "good control." I sure don't feel like I'm in good control! I don't think any of us should be judged by our numbers, so please don't think I'm trying to insult anyone whose A1C is higher than mine . . . but this disease sucks and it's scary and the complications are unimaginably horrendous. I'm thankful that my numbers are better now than when I was a kid (more like 7's and 8's) but if I'm not mistaken 6.7 is still above "normal" and for my health and for my child's health when I'm pregnant this is not acceptable. Plus, if I'm in such great control why do I still get high and low a few times a week? Because I'm not perfect, that's why! And if there is anything I can do to improve my control, to tighten my numbers and to get rid of the peaks and valleys, I'm going to do it, damn it! Why is that a bad thing? Why do insurance companies believe that this type of expense is frivolous or wasteful? If getting a pump means that have all my fingers and toes and my eyesight and my kidneys 50 years from now, I guarantee that I will have saved them hundreds of thousands of dollars. And, uh, I'd be a tad happy about that too, ya know? Keeping all my parts is kinda my goal in this thing here. Sheesh. Anyhoo, rant over. Just cross your fingers for me that I get approved.

Moving on . . . I'm expecting the transition to the pump to be a little weird. I'm sure my numbers will have a mind of their own while I try to transition from MDI's (multiple daily injections) to a new routine that includes a basal rate rather than Lantus to carry me through the day. Honestly, I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. I am so comfortable with my routine. It's easy and I feel like I know what to expect. And diabetes can be a real bummer when it starts throwing curve-balls at you. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I will hate the pump. I think I will like going to an adjustable basal rate. My numbers do different things at different times of day so it will be nice to be able fine tune based on my own rhythm. But my inner realist is telling me that it may take a while to get everything just right with this new routine. Plus, it's a foreign object dangling off my body and between that and the tape issue, I'm sure I'll get annoyed from time to time while I get used to the change. Until then, frustration (read: highs and lows) and diabetes melt-downs are sure to ensue. (Poor Brad. Baby, I'm sorry in advance.) But if it means lower A1Cs and overall better control, it's worth it for me . . . and for a potential little one later on. ;-)

Finally, at my last endo appointment I got the opportunity to sit down with his new nurse practitioner, Julie. For all who know me IRL, you know I'm a big fan of practitioners (doesn't hurt that I am one!) So I love dealing with practitioners and I'm all about supporting "the cause." If you've never made an appointment with a nurse practitioner and there's one in an office you go to (any specialty), give them a shot. Trust me. On one of those occasions when you need to be seen sooner rather than later and your regular doc is booked up, ask for the "NP." You'll be surprised with not only how easily and quickly you can be seen, but also how much time you get to spend with her/him. And more often than not, the folks I've talked to who see NP's love them. I've heard from so many people that, at first, they were nervous or annoyed about being forced to see an NP, but that once they did they realised how friendly, knowledgeable and easy to talk to they are. And they can spend so much more time with patients because they don't have to see as many. I can't speak for every single NP out there but ask around, I'm sure you'll hear rave reviews!! Anyway, true to form Julie was awesome. I love her and I'm so glad she came to this practice, where she is absolutely an asset. Easy to talk to, knowledgeable, great listener, and values my input. We just clicked. All things that are so necessary for me from my endo.

I guess that's all. Again, I rambled but that's how I roll.

~Layne