Friday, May 29, 2009

Baby fever

So I don't really know where it came from. I've never really been in too much of a hurry in life. I have always been pretty school/career focused and if I was ever impatient, it was to be done with school and find my job-for-life. (We all know how that went.) But for the things most women scramble to do (find a boyfriend, get engaged, get married, have kids), I never felt the rush.

Brad and I were together 7 years when he proposed and 8 years when we got married. And I freely admit that 7 years is a long time to wait for a ring. But considering we started so young, it didn't really bother me. I was only 23 when he popped the question and it seemed like it was happening at just the right time. Once we were married, we did get the "baby" question. Again, I wasn't in a rush. I didn't feel any real need or desire to have children any time soon. First off, I was in school and working. And adding a pregnancy and a child to the mix did not sound fun. So I knew I wanted to wait for graduation. Well, I've been out of school for a year and a half and the "baby question" is coming more and more often. I didn't really know what to tell people because the timing still didn't feel right. We weren't terribly settled in our jobs, we were living in an apartment and I had just gotten out of school and just wanted some time to "relax." (Yes, when I say "relax" I'm referring to only having a full-time job. It frickin' feels like vacation. :-)

Don't get me wrong, I love babies (it's my job for crying out loud!) and we both want kids but I guess we just weren't feeling our clocks ticking. If it happened, I would have been totally okay with it and super excited but it wasn't something I was in a rush to start planning for. I knew it would happen eventually and like with so many other things in my life, I was happy in the moment so I felt no rush for things to change.

Then April happened. "What happened" you say? I haven't got a clue. We bought our first house in November 2008 and moved in in January 2009, so it's not like having the house has up'd the maternal ante. I've had months to get used to the idea of having a real house of our own and BBQ's and decorating were the things that dominated my thoughts . . . certainly not kid's rooms and baby proofing. We've been in Orlando for a little more than a year now, so you could say we are more settled, but I just switched jobs a couple months ago and my salary decreased so in what way does that motivate me to start planning for a baby?

Brad and I first started talking about kids shortly after we were married. As a girl, I felt like I was finally allowed to bring up the subject of kids after the wedding without the fear of being called crazy. (Brad isn't all that gun-shy but talking kids before actually being married would have been pushing it.) So anyway, it was nice to have the conversation and discuss where we both stood on the issue. I knew I wanted to wait to be out of school. After that I figured we'd move, I'd get a job, maybe a year or so out we'd start trying. At the time that would have been about 2-3 years away. Brad also wanted to wait until I was out of school but wanted more time "just for us" afterwards and was thinking more like 3-5 years.

After I graduated, I was kind of surprised that my biological clock never started ticking. I had always assumed it would. Instead, I was very career-focused and happy for the break from school and the extra time with Brad. Months passed and still nothing. We bought our first house, and . . . nothing. Then last month, I started feeling restless. Restless in a different way from how I had felt in the last year. I had spent so much time worrying about my career and how it would all work itself out and now all that was gone. It was out of my control and, even if I didn't like it, there was nothing I could do about it. So I resigned to stop worrying for the meantime and enjoy the perks of a simple, uncomplicated job with a great commute. The first couple months were pretty good, definitely less stress. But in April I felt an uneasiness that I couldn't quite pinpoint.

At first, I chalked it up to the career thing, figuring that I just wasn't feeling satisfied with my new job. But that didn't feel right, it didn't settle my mind. It was so frustrating feeling restless, uneasy, unsatisfied and not knowing why!?! I mean, when you are hungry you know it's because you need to eat. When you are happy, sad, mad, whatever. . . you should know why. It was so confusing to know that I wasn't quite content with life but have no clue what was specifically bothering me. Something was missing. Something wasn't right. I was unsettled and discontent but I didn't know why. . . I didn't know what I wanted. I kept trying to tick things off in my head, running things past my brain to feel out what it was that was causing my unease. Career? No, I'm done worrying about that. Unaccomplished goals? There are places I'd love to go and things I'd love to do but I've got plenty of time for that and it just didn't feel like the right answer. Self esteem? I'm not a huge fan of my body and the way I look and there are weeks when I want to personally smash every mirror and take scissors to each pair of ill-fitting jeans in my house. But, no, nothing's changed in that arena and it wasn't what was getting to me.

Then, one day, I thought "kids?" Huh. Wouldn't it be funny if this was my subconscious' way of telling me it was time? No way. That's so dumb. It doesn't happen like that. When I want a baby, I'll just know. I won't get a weird, unsettled, unfulfilled vibe that I can't identify or describe. That's dumb. But once I started thinking about it, I couldn't stop. It felt right, it felt good. I didn't really talk to anyone about it because I didn't want them to think I was nuts. I certainly felt crazy and like this was coming out of left field, so I can't imagine how it would seem to anyone else. Brad knew I had been going through stuff and I wasn't feeling right and that I didn't know what was bringing me down. I didn't plan on telling him about my new line of thinking.

That is until one night a couple of weeks ago. We decided to go out to dinner and we ended up having a great time, sitting outside on the patio of a great restaurant on a beautiful night, sipping our drinks and chatting about everything. And, oddly, the subject of kids came up. I always joke with Brad about his "3-5 year plan" because ever since that first conversation about kids every time I've asked if he's thought anymore about it, he says that 3-5 years still sounds about right. Well, 3 years has passed since that first conversation . . . . and, well . . . you do the math. So it always seemed to me that he just wasn't ready and was trying to put it off.

Well, he shocked me when he said that he had been thinking about kids a lot lately. He's turning 29 this year and he mentioned feeling like he was getting "old." Which, of course, he's not. But I guess when you step back and think of the timeline of your life, he was starting to think that it was about now when he wanted to start planning a family. This literally brought tears to my eyes. I just always thought that kids was going to be something that I would have to tell him that I was ready for and that he would have to work himself up to the idea. Instead, here he is telling me that he's ready anytime I am and that he's excited!

Before I knew it, I blurted out everything I'd been thinking over the last few weeks but had been too self-conscious to tell him. We had a wonderful conversation and both got very excited about the prospect of this change. Then . . .

I got the bad news that I have to be on medication for 9 months that isn't good for pregnant women. So this oven is officially closed until February 2010. I was pretty bummed, to say the least. But I'm determined to use this time wisely and get as prepared as possible. Hopefully I'll be starting the pump soon and my endo and OB-GYN are aware that I want to start "trying" soon and we all have a game plan. At this point I can't wait until February. Until then I have a very loud, very emotional biological clock ticking away in my head. Unfortunately this thing doesn't come with a snooze button. :-(

Emotionally yours,
~Layne

1 comment:

  1. This post just gave me chills :) Isn't it amazing what our bodies control rather than our own minds?!!? I'll admit: I've had "baby fever" since I was five, haha! But lately, like you, it is just this urge that I want to pacify immediately!! Waiting is so hard, but it will give you lots of time for the "prep period" that we need. Oh, and when you find the snooze button, please let me know!!

    Also, thanks for the advice about insulin resistance. I don't think that's the problem (I am hoping and praying that it isn't) but it is certainly something I hadn't considered!! You always have such great suggestions and help!

    AND Happy late birthday!!! I turned 28 on May 25 :) (and no, I didn't get off of work for my birthday... everyone but me had the day off to celebrate!)

    Best,
    Suzanne

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