The first month with Kate seems like such a whirlwind. I remember when it was happening it seemed like time was passing so slowly. Long days and even longer nights. Those first few weeks I remember just staring at Kate. All. The. Time. I would sit down to eat and take a glance at her and before I knew it I had been gazing at her for several minutes. Or I would be holding her in front of the TV, catching up on a few shows and when my eyes would drift down to her face, I found myself completely unable to look away. I studied her features. Looked over her little hands, her knees, her face. I looked for similarities between Kate and I and Kate and Brad. I wondered who she looked like. I found myself getting choked up as I looked at her.
In fact, that whole first month, Brad caught me teary-eyed more times than I'd like to admit. My mom even asked if I had the "baby blues" because normally I'm not a crier. Even throughout the pregnancy I remained pretty level-headed. I would have to say that during my pregnancy I was even happier than normal. Now I'm sure that post-partum hormones played their role in my teariness, but mostly I just felt so overwhelmed with love for this little creature. When I looked at her I saw so many gorgeous things about her. This may sound odd, but over the years I've seen LOTS of babies and, absent-mindedly, I found myself categorizing them. The fair ones, the round-faced ones, the ones with pretty almond-shaped eyes, the not-so-cute ones, the ones with pretty hair, and the ones with cute little noses, etc. I always wondered what Brad and my baby would look like one day and I found myself drawn to the babies that had features similar to the ones I imagined our baby would have. Dark hair, round face, small nose, almond-shaped eyes. I always thought those babies were the cutest, probably because it was so easy to imagine that is how my baby would look. Of course, I had no idea what my baby would one day look like and I always said that no matter what he/she looked like I'd love her more than anything.
But now that she was here and as I looked at her for hours upon hours those first weeks, I realized that everything I'd ever asked for in a child was right here in this little girl. Since I was a little girl, I'd always wanted a daughter and here she was. A dark-haired, brown-eyed girl and here she was. The pretty, bright, almond-shaped eyes. The mass of straight, dark hair. The gorgeous, pouty lips. The tiny, petite nose. All the features I'd found so pretty in this baby or that baby, they were all here in this one little package that was my daughter. All the attributes I'd ever wished for in a baby . . . in my baby . . . had all come together in a beautiful, healthy, little girl. How did I get so lucky? And I was not just lucky because my daughter was a beauty but also because she was the picture of health. I see so many babies with bad hearts, bad lungs, even bad blood sugars. But I had been blessed with a perfect baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, and everything about her functioned just like it should. How in the world could I not get teary thinking of what a blessing I had been given? These were not sad tears. Not baby blues tears. Not tears of depression. These tears that flowed freely down my cheeks were tears of wonder and awe. Tears of the joy that I couldn't contain.
3 days ago