So excited!

So I may have denied being baby crazy. But now that I'm officially knocked up I can't deny being super excited about this baby! Specifically Brad and I have been dying to know the sex of the baby. At first, I wasn't too keen on finding out the gender. Because I'm around births and babies all the time, I figured that anything I could do to make this experience exciting and different from what I see all the time at work would probably be the way to go.

Well, first of all, I can say that this is already such a wonderful, fun, scary, exciting time for us that I really don't need to torture myself to make it that much more interesting. But the bigger problem came when Brad wanted to find out. One of the things he's most excited about is the nursery . . . painting, decorating, building furniture, etc. I'm assuming becuase, for the most part, it's the only real and tangible thing he can do during the pregnancy. And he feels like he can't get started until we know the gender. I suggested we go with neutrals like yellows and greens and we'd be set no matter what the gender was. Well, that idea was shot down. Specifically, his reaction was a matter-of-fact, "That's so lame!"

So, since the poor guy has so few other decisions he can make during this whole process, I decided to give in and find out the gender. (You wouldn't believe how appalled most people were at the idea that we wouldn't find out before the birth!) And ever since we made this decision I have grown more and more antsy to know what my baby is!! And now I can't imagine not knowing. I have become so impatient, in fact, that I called last week to move up my original ultrasound appointment by a week and a half becuase I just couldn't wait any longer!!

So we will be finding out very soon and we can't wait! I'll keep you posted!

~Layne

Shameful

After re-reading my last post and some of the comments I got, I felt kinda bad. Sometimes even thought something my bother me a little, I will vent or complain about it in a way where I think I'm being funny and light-hearted but others just kinda think I'm being a downer. And I get that. Especially when it's the written word and you can't see me smile and laugh and poke fun at myself for being whiny.

But this pregnancy is one subject that I NEVER want to be perceived as complaining about. Or ungrateful for. Or unhappy about in any way. First, because I feel that, despite a couple bumps early on, I am beyond grateful for how easy this pregnancy has been on me. Especially when it comes to symptoms. I have known friends and family members who have had very uncomfortable or complicated pregnancies. And I truly feel blessed not only that the baby is doing so well but that I have been feeling pretty great too.

Probably the worst thing I can truly complain about is the constant worry and wonder. (I can't feel the baby so how do I know she's ok? Is she doing well? Growing? How is her heart developing? Her lungs? Her brain? Did that one bad blood sugar hurt her? Is she getting everything she needs? Should I be doing more? Should I be doing less?) But I think those thoughts just come with the territory of being a soon-to-be-parent, especially when you have a job like mine!!

But most importantly, I don't want to seem grumpy or cranky about this pregnancy because when I say that I (WE!) are deliriously happy and unstoppably in love with this child it's a gross understatement. And I think that's the reason I'm so anxious to feel her kick, see her grow in my belly, hear her heartbeat, feel pregnant, look pregnant, etc. From the moment we found out we were expecting, it has seemed to me that I had loved this little baby for a long while already. And as the days, weeks and now months have passed, it's crazy to me that I'm still are so early in the pregnancy! How is she not here yet? How is it we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl? How can it be that she is only/already 4 inches long?!? Some days it still doesn't even feel real.

Anyway, just wanted to put those thoughts out there. Hope they make sense.

~Layne

PS: No, we don't know the sex yet. Only a few weeks left, though! I'm referring to the baby as "her" because I hate saying "it" and I'm sick of playing the pronoun game (he/she). Plus, we kinda have a feeling . . . . just sayin'.

Of course, if a little boy pops out, the poor thing will be scarred for life that his mother called him a girl on the internet. ;-)

This is depressing. . .

Let me start by saying that I'm not one of those women who ever understood why pregnant women insist that they are or look fat. I don't get it. It is so obvious that pregnant women are PREGNANT and not FAT. Those two things look completely different. I figured it was just hard for women to grow out of their clothes and (later on) swell in various places and that it just was overall hard to be that much bigger than you are used to being. So they called themselves fat.

But I couldn't WAIT to look pregnant. First, I'm not the thinnest girl on the planet and to finally have an excuse NOT to suck in my belly sounded glorious. And second, I think pregnant women are the cutest thing ever!

But! I was not prepared for this. For the first 7 or 8 weeks or so, I battled with some serious bloat. I definitely didn't look pregnant but my jeans were pretty snug and I knew it was more bowel than baby. Still, not much different than a period would be so I didn't really worry about it. Then around week 12 or 13, Brad and I both started to notice a change. Hooray! The first signs of a tiny baby belly. But I knew it was too small for anyone but me and him to notice. Me, because it's my body. And him, well, because he's my husband and he knows my body pretty well. ;-) Sorry, TMI.

But by week 14 or 15, I thought for sure people would start noticing. I even stopped sucking in because I was sure it was obvious that my new-found belly was all baby! (Am I the only girl out there who makes sure to always be "sucking in" a little just to make sure that any potential muffin-top or tummy roll remains at bay??) And I was sure those close to me, who were used to seeing me pretty regularly, could tell. I was sure they'd notice the change and say something. But no, nothing. I was a little disappointed because I was so excited to think that I might be showing! I made the mistake of telling Brad this. And then he made the mistake of being "helpful." Thinking that it would be genius to quietly ask friends and family if they could tell. He did this thinking, bless his heart, that they just weren't paying attention. That maybe if he pointed it out they would finally notice.

Instead, I have had 3 people tell me that I, in fact, DO NOT look pregnant. My own mother even asked today if I had gained any weight yet. Wha?!?

Why is this depressing, you ask? Because I've outgrown my pre-pregnancy jeans (well, I suppose I can button them but it ain't pretty!) Because my tops no longer reach down quite as far as they used to. And because I definitely have a noticeable pooch. And why do they all think this is how I normally look?!?

Yes, it is seriously depressing that everyone thinks this is my normal. And to answer my mother's question, NO! I haven't gained weight. In fact, I lost 5 pounds in the first trimester and have only gained 1 pound back! Proving that this pooch, here? It's all baby!

So I leave it up to you to judge. Please be kind. But, also, be honest. Here goes nuthin':
This is from back in January. I had just started the pump and would be going off birth control in a couple of weeks! Little did I know, I would be pregnant within 3 months!
Here, I was 7 weeks pregnant. Holy bloat, Batman! My waist? She's a-gone.
And this was today, at 15 weeks and 4 days. For the love of everything that is good and holy, how is this not a change?!?

So, for me, I will be so stinking happy when this belly finally comes into it's own. When it enters a building before I do. When it is so ridiculously obvious that I'm pregnant, that not to notice would mean you are in serious need of corrective lenses. Then, and only then, will I stop whining that I look fat. ::sigh::

Crankily yours,
~Layne

A1C Update!

I had my labs drawn last week and they included an A1C. I was kinda nervous to get the result because, for once, it's more than just MY health on the line here. Pre-pregnancy I generally hung around the mid-6's. When I was on the stressed side, that number might climb to the high 6's and a couple years back (when I was dealing with the job from hell) I even spiked up to 7.1.

(Sidenote: I'm not saying this to brag or to invite criticism. Everyone's A1C is different and I just want to establish my personal baseline. I am proud of the control that I have but have no desire to judge or be judged by others. /rant.)

I have never had my A1C start with the magical number 5. It's been a personal goal of mine, especially since starting to buckle down for a pregnancy. But, alas, it has eluded me. The best I could do pre-pregnancy was very low 6's and my last A1C before conceiving was 6.1.

But this week, I got a call from my endo's nurse. She knew I had labs drawn and I had asked if she could call when she got the results. So she called while I was at work and told me that my A1C was 5.8!?! She was shocked and said that was amazing. I was super happy. Although I must admit, with all the lows I've been having not only can I not claim all the credit but I was also a little surprised it wasn't lower. (More on those lows later!)

I've never had an A1C that started with a 5. For me, that's a huge accomplishment. One that I would have preferred happen pre-pregnancy but I'll take what I can get! I know all these lows aren't great for me but it's the highs that really hurt the baby. So I'm so happy that s/he is safe and sound in there for now. Now, the pressure's on to keep it up for the duration of the pregnancy!! I know any week now this wave of insulin sensitivity I've been riding for weeks will drop and the resistance that you hear about in pregnancy will kick in. So I've been checking my blood sugar like a fiend to stay on top of everything. Not much time for celebrating!

But for a little while, at least, I'm going to bask in the glow of my pretty numbers. They make me happy and keep my baby safe. The big D doesn't give us much to be happy about and I'll take whatever I can get! So I'm not too proud to say that I'll be taking some time to pat myself on the back for a job well done. ;-)

~Layne

Eye Doc

So yesterday I visited my Ophthalmologist. This is my LEAST favorite doctor's appointment of the year. Yes, even worse than the OB/GYN. Not because I don't like people touching my eyes. I know that's a pretty common thing for most people but I've never been particularly squeamish about my eyes. (On the other hand, my husband won't let me near HIS eyes with a 10-foot pole, but that's another post!)

Nope. For me, I hate the Ophtho becuase it's bound to be the longest doctor's appointment of the year. (And I see a lot of doctors!) I'll say it again, I'm the most impatient person on the planet. And, for some reason, those stupid retinopathy exams take FOREVER! The waiting rooms are the most crowded of any doctor I go to, it takes forever to get called back and then once you are actually in a room, they take a quick look at you, dilate your eyes and send you right back out to wait again!! Grrr. This is my kryptonite. . . .

I always bring a book (because I'm always reading something and because I hate sitting in a waiting room bored with nothing to do) but have you ever noticed that when you get your eyes dilated you lose your nearsightedness? As in the ability to read?!? So when the nurse comes to get me for the last part of the exam, I've heard more than one make a comment that goes something like "wow, are you actually trying to read?" Yes, I am the only doofus in that dark room, with their eyes dilated, that is trying their damnedest to read a book. Because I don't have the patience of a 3-year-old and therefore do not know how to just sit down, put my hands in my lap, relax and wait until I'm called for.

Now that I'm done kvetching about going to the doctor, I must say that I have good news! Once again, I feel very lucky to report that the Ophthamologist says my eyes look not just good, but great! I kept asking as he was doing the exam, "do they look ok?" And he would reply "they look great!" I wasn't expecting much more than a "fine" or a "good" but he kept repeating how great my eyes looked! Maybe it's silly of me, but I consider that a small triumph! But because I'm pregnant he does want to see me once a trimester (or every 3 months) instead of the normal once a year.

This was one appointment I was worried about and actually scheduled a little early this year because I wanted to be proactive. I have read and heard of ladies with diabetes who either had retinopathy or developed a little bit during pregnancy who were not given the option of giving birth vaginally. This is something that is very important to me. There are a lot of things during pregnancy and delivery that is out of anyone's hands (including mine), but I didn't want to go into the whole thing with only one option. So the news from this appointment comes as a big relief. I just pray that my eyes continue to stay healthy during the pregnancy!

Other than that, no big news on the pregnancy front except that as of tomorrow I'm officially in my 2nd trimester! I'll be 13 weeks and I'm feeling a lot better overall. My two biggest symptoms seem to still be headaches and tiredness, but hopefully that will pass soon. I also told a bunch of people at work yesterday and they were so sweet and SUPER supportive. My boss was also so sweet and kept saying don't worry about anything, whatever is best for me and the baby is what we'll do. Seriously, I love my job!

~Layne

Expecting

So the big news is out of the bag. Yes, we are pregnant. Well, I'm pregnant and Brad's just waiting. That post was written right after Brad left for work the day we found out. I was so unbelievably happy and excited and scared. All of a sudden my world was this little pea-sized cluster of cells growing inside me. It was everything to me and the day before I didn't even know about it. I wanted to write what I was thinking. I wanted to remember that morning.

But I knew I couldn't post it. So I waited. (And it's been SO HARD to keep my mouth shut! I wanted to tell you guys SO bad!) And officially today is 11 weeks and 5 days. I would have posted on week 10 but we were out of town and I wanted to be around when it went out into cyber space!

It hasn't been all roses and sunshine. There were a couple of scary weeks where we had some bleeding and cramping. It all turned out okay and the bleeding stopped but I had 2 ultrasounds early on just to be sure everything was ok. (This ultrasound image is from about 3 weeks ago and I love looking at it. I can't believe how much he/she is growing!)

Some days it still doesn't feel real. I'm waiting for it to really hit me. Of course, it's too early to feel the baby and I'm not really showing, so some days it feels like it's all in my head. In fact, for the past several weeks I've been feeling more bloated than baby (ah, the joys of pregnancy). I'm just now starting to grow for real an be uncomfortable in my normal jeans (that's a bummer) and I'll have to buy some new clothes soon. Luckily I wear scrubs to work and they are forgiving so those will last me a little while yet.

I want to thank everyone for all your support and congratulations. This is such a happy, exciting and SCARY time for us. It's hard not to think of all the scary things that can happen (especially considering what I do for a living!!) but I'm doing my best to let that go and concentrate on the happy things. It's so nice to know that I have places to go and people to ask all my diabetes/pregnancy/motherhood-related questions.

And Brad has been an absolute blessing throughout all of this. In fact, the more he takes care of me the more I'm convinced that he's going to make an amazing dad. Seeing him with our child is one of the things I'm most looking forward to.

~Layne

The day I knew about you . . .

May 12th:

Today I found out I was pregnant. I'm not going to say I knew. I was hoping, but I didn't know. Each month I was hoping that was the month. And each month I was too impatient to wait until I missed my period to test. And each month the test came back negative. I even tested a few days ago (May 8) thinking that maybe I'd find out I was pregnant right before Mother's Day and what a great story that would have been. Nope, negative.

So I was expecting my period. I had all the signs I normally had. And I had even started feeling crampy the day before. As soon as I felt that familiar soreness, I knew that my period was around the corner. With my period, I'm like clockwork. It always comes overnight to greet me the morning of the 27th day. So this morning when I stirred and felt nothing, I had an inkling.

I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn't. My mind was racing. I slipped out of bed, grabbed the test and took them into the guest bathroom so I wouldn't wake up Brad. I already felt silly enough (this is the 6th test I've taken in 4 months) and he already thinks I'm obsessed! First, I double-checked to make sure that I really didn't have my period. Nope, nothing. So I peed on the stick in the dark. And I waited the requisite 2 minutes. (Okay, 1 minute and 40 seconds . . . sue me!) The whole time I was thinking this was just going to be another negative. So far I was only "late" by 5 minutes! What were the chances?

But after 1 minute and 40 seconds, when I couldn't wait any longer, I picked up the stick. And even in the almost-dark, I could see the second line. Fainter than the first, but it was still there. I considered, for a split-second, not telling Brad. Trying to hide it for a couple of days so I could plan a surprise announcement. But I cracked. Have I mentioned I'm the most impatient person on the planet? I ran into the bedroom and threw open the blinds. He asked if I was crazy as I yanked on him to sit up in bed. And I showed him the test. He took it and asked if I was sure? But it's so light? I told him I was sure.

We were two idiots, we couldn't stop smiling and I had tears streaming down my face. I just kept saying "Oh my God" and "This is so weird." We hugged over and over again. We spent all morning freaking out, and Brad ended up being a little late out the door for work. He kept saying he didn't want to leave. I kept fretting over a few high blood sugars that I'd had in the last couple of days. We discussed when we could tell people. We wanted to tell everyone that very second but knew it would be more prudent to wait. And we even talked about not getting our hopes up too much in case the worst happened. We settled on 10 weeks, we could announce it once I was 10 weeks. And then Brad promptly started whining that he wanted to tell people. ;-)

So for 10 weeks, it's just the three of us. Brad, me and the little one. And we couldn't be happier.

~Layne

Bad site

Ok, so I don't have time for an in-depth, thought-provoking post this week because . . . I'm in Cleveland, Ohio! For my brother's wedding! I'm so excited to be here for him. Since I'm in Florida and he's in Ohio, we don't get to see each other much (couple times a year) so not only am I super stoked to just be spending time with him, it's that much better that it's on such a happy occasion!

Plus, today happens to be Brad and my anniversary. Four years married today! Make that four great years. So we are taking it easy today and just having fun together. We're visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame during the day. Tonight we'll be going to an uber fancy dinner at a restaurant that is built into the side of a cliff that overlooks Lake Erie. (It's actually a recommendation from Adam, my bro, and it's where he proposed to Lacey, my future sis-in-law. It looked too cool to pass up!)

After today, we will officially be in wedding mode for the rest of the weekend. So I won't have any time to post. But I'll be seeing you next week when I'm back in sunny Florida! And I'll have some exciting news to share!

So, I'll leave you with a quick (gross) pic that exemplifies why two things drive me crazy: 1) pump sites on my back and 2) trying clothes on. I took it last week after a grissly find on my part. (Squeamish beware: blood ahead!)

I was in a store the other day trying clothes on and that meant that my site was taking a mega-beating. Pants on. Pants off. Shirt on. Shirt off. Up. Down. Wiggle. Etc. . . I usually disconnect my pump because, knowing me, I'm bound to rip it off. I tend to get tangled in my tubing (embarrassingly easily) and if I'm not careful before I rip my jeans off, my pump and site go with them!! But even when I disconnect, the site itself still inevitably gets snagged, bumped and generally beaten. My site being in the back tends to make it worse since I can't see it or avoid it easily.

Anyway, after going to the store and trying a bunch of clothes on, I ran some more errands and came home. I could tell that I was high (had to pee, felt dehydrated and just generally yucky). I tested and sure enough, I was high. So my rervoir was close to empty so I just decided to do a whole set change. As soon as I felt my site (which was in my flank) I could tell it was wet. Ah HA!! I figured it was leaking insulin. NOPE! It was blood. Ewwwww!

I ripped it out and changed everything, which I was planning to do anyway, but it sucked that I probably would have noticed the bad site hours earlier if it had been in the front. AND it probably only happened because I roughed myself up in the fitting room.

Am I the only diabetic girl uncoordinated enough to not be able to try on clothes without inflicting personal damage? ::sigh::

~Layne

Human with "upgrades"

Since I've been on the pump I've been in relatively close contact with my Endo nurse practitioner, Julie. We exchange emails at least a couple times a month. I send her my latest blood sugars and we talk about patterns and trends and (if we need to) do some tweaking.

My blood sugars have been pretty good overall except when I'm at work. I have a very unusual work schedule and it pretty much guarantees unpredictable blood sugars. Because I don't have a "normal" schedule it's been relatively difficult for Julie and I to find patterns in my blood sugars. So she asked if I'd be interested in wearing a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) so that we can get a better picture. And I was game. I've never really thought that a CGM was for me but I was interested to see what all the fuss was about. Plus it was a nice (free!) way to trial a CGM if I ever was considering getting one!

When I went to my next appointment I was told that a Dexcom rep had been trying to convince the office to trial one of their CGMs and I was going to be the guinea pig. Fine by me! Since I'm on the Animas Ping, I wouldn't be able to wear the MiniMed CGM anyway and I was hoping to trial the Dexcom since (if I were to get one) that would be the CGM I would pick.

I have to admit it was better than what I was expecting. I feel like I've heard tons of stories of it being a royal pain, constantly needing to be calibrated, always alarming, never being accurate, being finicky about when and where you can place a sensor . . . yada, yada, yada. I was nervous that it would be annoying, cumbersome and barely helpful. But really it wasn't bad.

I wore it for a week and was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to use and calibrate. I still tested my blood sugar often but it was nice to see trends and to catch the highs and lows before they really became issues. I really appreciated the data it gave me at night, when I would otherwise sleep through bad numbers and never know about them! The first couple of days I thought the alarms would drive me nuts, especially at night. But once I tweaked the settings, they got much better. For example, I'm pretty aware of my lows and don't really need to be BEEEEP'd at if my blood sugar is 70 or 80. So I just turned the low alarm off. (No matter what the Dexcom will alarm if you go below 55 mg/dl.)

I ended up pulling it on the 6th day. (Dexcom sensors can technically last 7 days but most people say that they get more like 10 days out of them.) It's a fairly large site, especially compared to my pump site, and it was getting uncomfortable (itchy, red, etc). Plus, I was getting annoyed that it was taking up valuable real estate on my abdomen.

The Dexcom rep was awesome and gave me the software disc and cableso that I could download my numbers to my computer without having to wait for my next appointment to go over the data. So I was able to download my numbers immediately and took them to Julie a couple of days later. I really like the format of the Dexcom software and how it shows you your data and I ended up getting some great information from wearing it. After the trial, I was seriously considering getting one, if for no other reason than a possible future pregnancy. I mean, as tight as I'd like my numbers to be, a CGM would be invaluable, especially at night when I go 8 hours in a row without testing.

So anyway, that's the overview on my Dexcom trial. I definitely came out on the other side with my mind changed. I still don't think that CGMs are all wonderful and sunshine and rainbows or that they are for me all the time. But I can definitely see their value now, where before they seemed a little worthless and overhyped.

But there was one more aspect of my experience that I haven't gone over. The robot factor. It's something I've heard people talk about in the DOC for a while. How, with a pump or CGM or both, they can start feeling mechanical and robot-like. So this last bit is the story of my husband's reaction to that idea.

So the first night I have the CGM sensor in place, I'm laying in bed showing Brad all my new gadgets. I've explained what a CGM is and what all the pieces do and I started telling him how I've heard other DOC-ers complain that they feel robotic wearing all this stuff. I go on to say that I never really identified with that feeling until I looked down and saw my belly covered in pump sites and sensors. So told him that I did kinda feel like a robot.

"You'd really be more of a cyborg," was his response.

::blink::blink::

And with this question I knew I was getting myself in trouble: "What's the difference?"

He was grinning at this point and he told me, "Well, a robot is all machine. But a cyborg is like a human with upgrades!"

Thanks, honey, I love you too.

~Layne

Slacker

Ok, so since D-Blog week I've been a total bum about updating. I've still been reading my blogroll like a fiend and commenting but I just haven't had the energy to finish a post! We've been pretty busy lately and life's been crazy and I've been sick and, oh yeah! In the middle of all that I turned another year older.

Ugh.

That's right folks, I'm 28. Just kissing 30. Thirty? 3. 0. Wow. Weird. I feel like I need to keep saying it so that I'll be used to it by the time it actually happens. On a brighter note, Brad will, in 19 days, actually BE 30! Holy freakin' crap, I'm married to an old man! ;-) And nothing makes me feel younger than reminding him of his impending doom. Daily.

Alright, I have a couple of unfinished posts backlogged . . . (I told you, I'm such a total slacker) . . so I'll be working on those and trying to post more. A couple of fun new things I wanted to post about on the diabetes front (because even when they are medical, new gadgets are fun, dammit!) Maybe I'll even post again today!

Or maybe tomorrow.

~Layne